(Closed) Is my husband or the girl out of line?

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 107
Member
124 posts
Blushing bee

bobsgirl2007:  OP, I am sorry you are going through this, but he is cheating on you. 

You are too nice to let him come home. I would be changing locks already and throwing all his shit to the curb.

Post # 108
Member
1262 posts
Bumble bee

I feel the same as PPs. Taking a drunk coworker (or mentee?) home does not take 2 hours. Did he update you during those 2 hours? If not, I would assume he cheated. I’m sorry. 

And he left you at home sick to go drinking with her? Not ok.

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by  mangosandcats.
Post # 109
Member
4492 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’d back up from automatically assuming he cheat. Not every guy cheats with every emotionally vulnerable girl he’s alone with. However, this could easily cross into emotional cheating because she’s relying on him for emotional support and to take care of her. The best way to fix that is to make sure he never spends one-on-one time with her. He also needs to put you first.

However, he DID screw up big time. He should not be out that late, he should not need to get the girl home (call her an UBER or a cab), and he should be in touch with you – and stick to the “home by” time he gave you. If he can’t correct those issues, then it does not bode well for the marriage. He’s acting like a single college guy when he goes out drinking like that.

I’ve been in a situation where a recently broken up female coworker began leaning on Darling Husband for support and he would stay late at work to talk with her, while I was waiting at home (luckily, he had another guy friend with him). Both of us wives shut that down – Darling Husband really seemed clueless, but once he knew I wasn’t okay with it, he never did it again. Your Darling Husband needs to respect your feelings on this – but you need to make them clear first. Tell him that you are NOT okay with him spending time outside of work with her – he gave you the chance originally, and you turned it down. Now is the time to fix that mistake.

 

Post # 111
Member
9729 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

I didn’t comb through the updates but we’ve figured out they are probably banging by now, right?

 

Post # 112
Member
4663 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

Where do they like to go drink? You should show up there and watch them. See what happens.

And he came home after 4am from her place? What do you think went on there? I’m sure you know. 

Post # 113
Member
4698 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

At first I was confused as to why he was out all night drinking and then driving.. But then you clarify he takes the train. So to get her home, he thought it was a better idea to ride a train with her instead of sticking her in a cab and going home to his wife?

Nope, nope, nope.

 

Post # 114
Member
2640 posts
Sugar bee

Heads would be rolling, don’t tolerate the disrespect. 

Post # 115
Member
6397 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

I don’t understand how whether the Darling Husband or the woman is out of line is even a question. Your Darling Husband took vows and has a responsibility to you. As much as women like blaming the other woman, it is the man who is crossing boundaries and disrespecting you.

I agree that this entire situation is out of line. You are more generous than I would be if you are even considering counseling. He’s gone far enough into left field here to be OUT.

Post # 118
Member
2342 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

I don’t know how you’re so confident nothing happened… even his introducing her to you isn’t out of the ordinary.

I know two separate couples where this happened and the husband got them to meet to give that false sense of “oh you met her, nothing to worry about”. They were shagging (in both cases) for months and often ‘working late’, ‘out socialising’ etc etc

Post # 120
Member
4492 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

bobsgirl2007:  I don’t know your Darling Husband, so I don’t know if he can change his behavior or how he might do that. Counseling works well for some couples. 

When I said, “Now is the time the fix that,” I meant that you need to tell him CLEARLY (and calmly) that you actually are NOT okay with him socializing with her outside of work (which you didn’t tell him before when he gave you chance to.)

It’s not on you to fix the relationship. He’s in error here. However, it is on you to communicate where your boundaries are so there is no misunderstandings that he can hide behind – because it sounds like if you don’t specifically say “no,” he’ll keep doing whatever he wants.

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