(Closed) Is my husband right? (Re: Labor and Delivery)

posted 7 years ago in Babies
Post # 3
Member
2313 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Trust me, you’re going to want your mom there. I had my mom and FH in the room (and Future Mother-In-Law and FSIL) and my mom would hold my hand and help me through contractions while FH rubbed my lower back, which was the only thing that made me feel better. It’s also good to have a woman in there who’s been through childbirth before because they have a much better sense of how to help you through the pain than a man does. A man can offer support, but my mom was the one who knew to tell me to switch positions, or try this or that to alleviate the pain. It really helped.

I think if you want your mom there, your needs really trump his. Childbirth is hard to get through and I know he wants like a ‘special bonding moment’ between the two of you, but honestly, if you think you want her help/presence/support, you should have it. 

Post # 4
Member
2547 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

My fiance was the same way. In the end, I went with just my fiance. It meant so much to him, and once I started having contractions, I kind if knew, less would be more in the delivery room anyways. I never regretted it. He was SO good, and the intimacy between us during those 18 hours were so intense, and remarkable, and I just don’t think it would have been the same had another person been there to lean on.

Also, I called my mom right after I had him, but it was 12:00 in the morning by the time I called her, after everything had been said and done, and they did all the checks on the baby, as he was running a high fever, the last thing I would have wanted was visitors after 18 1/2 hrs of labour.

Everyone’s different though, but that’s just my point of view, from my personal experience. Goodluck!

Oh and I just wanted to add, I really doubted my fiances capabilities going into this, but I put all my trust into him, and it really worked out well. He surpassed what I wanted and needed, and turned out to be amazing. I actually fell in love with him all over again mid labour.

Post # 5
Member
10366 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

It is his child, not your mom’s. I think he is right to want the initial bonding time to be just you guys. Your parents have the rest of their lives to get to know your child. You can’t give your husband those first precious moments without them barging in??

(also, the fact that you vent/ask them advice before your husband is a real problem. Expect that to grow into a larger issue over time. You and your husband are a new family now – you should treat it as such!)

Post # 6
Member
918 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I’m really taken aback by a few points in your post and agree with crayfish: that this could definitely turn into a bigger probelm over time.  I hope I’m not crossing any lines (and I realize this isn’t what you were looking for advice on) but some things I think you may want to address with your husband are:

  • “I know he gets annoyed when I go to my parents for advice or to vent instead of going to him” – a) that you go to them instead of him in the first place and b) that you know it annoys him and yet still do it
  • “Husband just told me this weekend he wants it to be just him and me in the delivery room and doesn’t want any visitors right away-like immediately after the birth. I balked right away”
  • “my needs trump his” – I completely understand you’re the one giving birth, but I’m of the mindset that you should never be trying to prove that your needs trump those of your DH’s
  • “I mean, I can’t see him being that good in the L&D room honestly”

 

Beyond all that, I really think you should at least try and respect his wishes.  Let your Mom know ahead of time, but also let him know that if it becomes too much and you think your Mom could help (seeing as she’s given birth before) you’ll want her to come in.  But at least give him the chance to be able to share that moment with just the two of you.

Again, I’m really sorry if I crossed a line with the first part of my post, I just feel like those are as big of issues, if not bigger, than the one you’re actually posting about.

Post # 7
Member
5778 posts
Bee Keeper

Some men are good at giving comfort and strength and some are not. Lots of them fall asleep during the labor and some are there holding your hand and doing whatever they can throughout. No way of knowing which kind of help he’ll be until you’re in the midst of it all, and depending on how long the labor lasts, he may be happy to have some help. It sounds like you WANT your Mom there, and they will not be just barging in. Big difference.

Since he has no real idea what to expect, he’s probably just thinking out loud.(I was in labor for 27 hours, so needed more than one person to be there!) I think if you really want her there, you should have her there.

I’ve also been given a headsup about both of my Sils…they both faint at the sight of needles and blood. Guess I’ll be needed when the time comes. 🙂

Post # 8
Member
5153 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2010

I was pretty sure I would want my mom & my husband in the room but once I was ready to push I wanted it to be just me & my husband! I think it worked out well to have my Mother-In-Law & mom there while I was waiting but left when the time came. I wouldn’t have wanted them in there! I’m so glad it was just my husband & I….we got to enjoy those first precious moments alone with our baby girl 🙂 But everyone is different, you may end up wanting your mom.

Post # 9
Member
1855 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I think this also depends on how you anticipate labor going: are you prepared or are you freaking out?  Is your mother going to be a calming influence that you need or will she be telling you you’re doing it wrong?  I was very at ease with the labor process (Read “The Best Birth, it’s a majorly calming/helpful book) and was even watching “Anchorman” and Monty Python at 8cm.  I didn’t need my mother there, so it was fine that it was just my son’s father.  If I had been scared/anxious/unsure/etc, then a calming influence would have been just the thing I needed (would not have gotten that from my ex).  Weigh the pros and cons – the potential damage to the relationship with your man if you do invite mom to the delivery room vs. your own birthing experience.  Also, your DH’s opinion may change as you get closer to D-day, so you don’t have to set the decision in stone.

Post # 10
Member
2538 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Have him read a lot about what you’re going through in labor so that he can prepare for what he needs to do. I wanted a doula when I delvered Moose, but my husband really wanted it to be him, so we went with just him. I can honestly tell you it was the best decision as it brought us closer together than anything else possibly could. Leave your mom out. This is something that the two of you started and need to finish. Plus, I agree with @crayfish: and @Navy_Wife:

Post # 12
Member
438 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I wouldn’t say it’s a right vs. wrong answer to it.  It’s about how you feel and what you need.  I know a lot of couples have their mother until the pushing starts, and finish the delivery with just the husband.  Plus, this is the start of your family together, and I think that should be shared with just you, your husband and your new baby.  You’ll have loads of time to have your mom help out afterwards. 

Post # 13
Member
11325 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

@Tatum: no advice on the you going to them for advice or whatever bc that situation sounds somewhat complicated, but regarding the birth… I am 100% with you. I actually had this exact discussion with my husband (although we’re not even pregnant lol). He said the same thing as your husband… he wants it to be just the 2 of us for labor and delivery and would rather my mom not be there. I feel the same way you do– it is a LONG process and I want more than one person there. Specifically a person that has been through this (twice) before. I think the job is big enough for two and I think it’ll make me feel better to have my mom there. I’m not wanting to invite the whole world but when you’re going through probably the hardest thing in your entire life, it isn’t too much to ask IMO to want to have the TWO people you’re closest to there to support you. And quite frankly, I’m the one doing it. So yes, my opinion gets 51% in that matter. 

Post # 14
Member
539 posts
Busy bee

@Tatum: I say respect your husbands wishes…have your parents in the lobby, then your husband can walk out and announce the birth of your child…then allow guests into the room.

Post # 15
Member
11325 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

wow i have to say i’m really surprised how many people are taking her husband’s side on this. What if her husband was the one posting saying “I really want to be alone with my wife during delivery but she wants her mom… am I wrong?” 

Wouldn’t we all be telling him to be a little more compassionate and recognize how hard this is going to be for his wife and suggesting he be the one to compromise? 

Post # 16
Member
2018 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I think if his objection is that strong, then you should concede this point.  He’s your husband  and even though you are the one giving birth, it’s his baby and his experience too.

Your mom can be right there in the waiting room and she can come in soon after to see you and the baby.  I think that is a fair compromise. 

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