(Closed) Is my marriage already doomed? :(

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
1495 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

annabanana25 :  I am really sorry to read all this Bee and I really think it’s time for a heart to heart with your husband. What he is doing is VERY wrong and conisdered emotional abuse, a grown up does not behave this way and if he refuses to communicate his issues with you, how does he expect this marriage to work?

Post # 3
Member
1005 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

Sorry you are going through this bee. I wouldn’t tell him that I snooped yet, I’d sit down and have a talk and try to get his side of things. I would maybe even say that I’ve been feeling things haven’t been the same and want to know if he’s feeling the same too, anything to try and get him talking.

I would also suggest counseling and therapy…there may be issues communicating, and the both of you just need to find out how to be happy with each other again. 

The snap chat stuff..ugh…this is why I hate social media. Maybe try to put that on the back burner until you guys work through some other things? If he shuts down and completely won’t talk to you..that’s a larger problem.

Post # 4
Member
7814 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I think you have to come clean about the snooping. I don’t see how you can possibly go forward without revealing that you saw all those horrible things he wrote. Would take some insane self control and masterful acting. 

I would just come right out with it. “Honey, I’ve been feeling distance from you so I did something bad – I looked through your phone. I am sorry I did that, but I found some things that I cannot unsee and I think we should talk about them. Do you really feel so miserable in our marriage? Can you help me understand what I’ve done to make you feel that way? Are you open to counseling?” etc.

You could also just leave him and get the marriage annuled. I might take that option if I were you. The horrible things he wrote about you constitute enough of a betrayal to justify ending it on their own IMO, but when you add in the shady snap chats…just no. But at the same time, you’re married, so maybe you want to try to fix it, I dunno. 

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I think at the minimum you guys will need marital counseling to get through this.

Post # 5
Member
13 posts
Newbee

I think I would start about having a talk with him about the distance. A heart to heart about how you feel. Don’t mention that you snooped through his phone, just tell him how you’ve been feeling about his actions lately. Maybe he’ll open up about why he’s been acting like this. 

If he refuses to talk, or says that he thinks things have been fine and doesn’t know what you’re talking about, I’d bring up that you snooped through his phone. If he blows up, becomes more secretive, etc. Then I think you might have to make a decision about the marriage. 

I think the key is to talk to him calmly, have a heartfelt conversation so he doesn’t feel like you’re attacking him.

Post # 6
Member
5956 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

Agree with PP, tell him you snooped, and ask him what’s up. Suggest counseling. I hope he hasn’t completely checked out. I swear when a guy doesn’t want sex, I feel like that’s a big indicator that something fishy could be going on.

I wonder how many relationships have been killed by the internet. It’s just too easy to be shady nowadays.

Post # 7
Member
1624 posts
Bumble bee

Well you definitely need to confront him about your concerns with your marriage and find out if he is willing to work on your relationship. Honestly, things look pretty bad from what you have written, but I don’t know if you are truly doomed or not.

You say you’ve been together for over 7 years, but it doesn’t sound like you really had a solid foundation before you got married. Couples who are overly demonstrative with affection (if you are nauseating people with your actions- this is never good) are usually over compensating for some weakness in the relationship, or are kind of immature.

Post # 8
Member
1883 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Absolutely do not pretend you don’t know any of this. He ran up high credit card debt and did not disclose this to you, and HE is the one who is losing loyalty and affection? I don’t think he knows what loyalty means. Do you really want to continue living this way and giving your all to someone who is badmouthing you to friends and isn’t sure he even wants you? Seems like he is showing you a pattern of dishonesty that he hid from you prior to marriage.

In your place, I would be sitting him down and letting him know that you know everything, and that you two need to see a marriage counselor immediately if he would like to stay married to you. You must stay calm and not allow him to deflect by starting a fight and putting you on the defensive – I think the fighting might just be his way of getting you to back down from the real issues. You cannot back down – the rest of your life is on the line here.

Post # 11
Member
227 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Oh no I think he is checking out of the relationship. If it was me I would not tell him about the snooping!!! That will be a match to fuel at this point.

I would sit him down and say you have sensed him distancing himself from you recently and that you are so sad he feels that way. That you love him but maybe a breAK would be good for him to figure out his feelings. Be the perfect wife, understanding, sad but do not pressure him or get emotional.

Then I would stay with a friend, hotel, parents for a week and leave him to it. I’d go out, dress up, be fabulous on fb, instag ram having an amazing time. 

I think he’ll come running back. I sense he love’s you but Is feeling a bit trapped by the marriage and commitment. I think you need to tread extremely carefully as one wrong move like telling him you snooped will give him the excuse he is looking for to leave. However faced with the reality of loosing you may change his mind!

You know the saying if you love something let it go. 

Post # 12
Member
159 posts
Blushing bee

Looking through someone’s phone is wrong BUT I feel like you really had little choice. You knew something was not right. You tried to talk to him but he gave nothing back. At least now you know. So don’t feel bad about it and don’t let him make you the bad guy. 

While I would love to say something encouraging I really can’t. Your husband is being unfair and disrespectful to you. “Ride the wave and see what happens”? – that’s not the attitude you should have to a loved person.  

Personally I would get annulment/divorce as such behaviour would be a deal breaker. But if you want to fight for your marriage the only reasonable option is to come clean about snooping and throw the ball in his court. Ask him if he wants to make things better. If he wants to make this marriage work he has to make a great effort now. 

 

Post # 13
Member
1254 posts
Bumble bee

annabanana25 :  I feel for you bee. I can only imagine what it felt like to read those messages. You need to have a talk with you’re husband. In the end he’s emotionally cheating. He needs to come clean and tell you the truth. Seeing those messages to his friends, makes me wonder. Maybe more happened at his bachelor party than he wants to tell you.

Post # 14
Member
454 posts
Helper bee

I’m sorry you’re going through this. Have you both had other partners in the past? From your description, it sounds like maybe he has grown to be a different person throughout your relationship, and didn’t know how to break up with you or show that side of him?

I think you need to have a heart to heart. Snooping or not, you knew that something is going on with him. THIS is the ultumatum you need to propose. Tell him that you can see that he is unhappy, and you feel it between you every day. You can’t ignore it, and he can’t either. Because you’re married, you need to sit down and figure this out as a team. If he’s invested, you can work on it together. If he’s checked out, then he’s really lacking in the maturity department to let it go this far and just resign to “riding the wave” and “staying positive.” ANY marriage requires more than that.

Post # 15
Member
7814 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

ladyfreya :  I think this kind of game-playing might work for a high school relationship, but this is not the stuff that saves a marriage. Her husband has told multiple friends that he’s miserable in his marriage, regrets getting married, sometimes HATES his wife, and you’re suggesting she fix it by going out on the town and posting some hot Instagram selfies?

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