(Closed) Is my marriage already doomed? :(

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
147 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I am not a therapist, nor do I have the credentials  to be but I do have a bachelors degree in Human Development and Family Studies which covers a lot of this type of stuff. Marriage is a huge lifestyle change. A lot of times (both men and women) get a little depressed after the wedding. It’s a hard adjustment for a lot of people which leads to some out of character behavior. It doesn’t make it right, or any less hurtful but it happens a lot. I think you would benefit from counseling, if you can get him to do it. Personally, I would also tell him about what you found. Calmly. Tell him this behavior cannot continue and you want to work on it with him and get to te root of the problem to get back to how you two were before

Post # 32
Member
139 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I think you could go to counseling. You could try to forgive and move on.

Me? I would never be able to trust him fully again. He is dishonest and has involved outside people into your marriage w/o consulting you first or at all. He is withholding affections and really any type of relationship.

I’m sorry bee. I’d be devastated too. I’d do right by me and serve him with papers.

Post # 33
Member
96 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 2016 - Sacred Heart Catholic Church

I don’t really have anything to add to the already great advice.  I just wanted to give you a virtual hug.  My fiancé cheated on me early in our relationship, but he has come a long way in talking and open/ honest communication.  If your husband really wants to make this work, he and you will have to do the same.  It sucks and a lot of emotions and heartache will come when you guys first start this.  If you do work through this, it will make you stronger.  If you ever need anyone to listen, just send me a message. I hope everything works out in a way where you will feel some peace.  

Post # 34
Member
1232 posts
Bumble bee

wow. where to start….. I don’t think i have anything more to add than what has already been noted by the previous posters. I am sorry bee that you are going through this.

I would be devastated if my Fiance shared all those negative comments about me to someone else, let alone many others. I also wouldn’t want someone who hated me sometimes and was ‘just trying to stay positive.’ In your first year of marriage? Really?

I often think that couples counseling is a good idea… but this time I don’t. For me personally, I don’t know if I could ever come back from this; and I wouldn’t be able to trust what he says becasue clearly he is keeping alot from you despite you flat out asking what is going on. So…. I would pack my bags and move on. It sounds like maybe HE is depressed, or has second thoughts about marriage as a whole… or is having some kind of crisis related to his future, but that’s his doing.  You might have put 7 years into this, but don’t put in one more day. You deserve better, bee.

Post # 35
Member
1489 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Honestly, based on what you’ve said I would sit him down and have a major CTJ talk. Do it calmly.     Say that you’ve noticed that there has been distance between you two since you’ve gotten married, and even before that, but you chalked it up to the wedding stress and you thought it would go away after you got married. Then you got married, and it didn’t go away. And you chalked it up to the stress of the move and the new job and the new place.  But it still didn’t get better, it got worse. And you’ve tried talking to him about it but he just dismisses your concerns.  Which has hurt you greatly, as in the past you both have had good communication.   And then you found the messages to his friends on his phone, about how he feels that he only got married because you forced him to, and that he is miserable, and he hates you most times, and that he is just riding this out and he thinks it will fail.  And then you found his snapchats with other girls.  Andthen the hurt over him dismissing your concerns just was eclipsed by the hurt of him literally dismissing YOU. 

And then lay his options out.  

-Either he goes to marriage counseling with you and together you two really work to fix not just your marriage, but your relationship.  And also on rebuilding the trust you have in each other.  Because you think your relationship is worth saving.  

-Or you two get a divorce/annullment.  Because the marriage is doomed if one partner has already checked out and isn’t working towards their relationship anymore.  You alone cannot sustain the marriage and your relationship. 

 

And stick with whatever option is taken.   It takes a lot of strength to stick with a hard decision.  Its hard to mean it, but you have to be strong.  Its gonna hurt and hurt bad.  But right now he is not the person you thought you were marrying, and he is doing you and your relationship such a massive disservice by the way he is acting, the things he is saying to his friends, and then starting up relationships with other women.   You can want to fix it. but if he is unwilling, then you’ll have to either let him go, or go yourself.  

 

 

Post # 36
Member
3683 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I think you’ll be wasting your time and effort trying to save this marriage.  His heart isn’t in it.  Either move or throw him out and file for annulment or divorce.  

Post # 37
Member
391 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

I’m so sorry bee, but I can’t add any perspective that other bees haven’t. I’m not sure how much of an ultimatum you really gave him, but this should serve as a warning to these other bees on here begging and pressuring their men for a ring. I’ve learned from experience and from others that men will ask you when THEY want to. Deadlines and threats are not the way they prefer to operate and we have to be prepared to show them what they will lose by walking away. 

I hope you and your husband can work it out, but from the information that you have given, it seems that unless you both are willing to move forward, put in hard work, and have complete transparency, your marriage may be heading towards the end. Good luck to you both and I hope everything will work out for you both. 🙂

Post # 38
Member
403 posts
Helper bee

annabanana25 :  Please confirm that the snapchats are his. They are easily manipulated by others to make it look like mebody else has written it. You need to “lay your cards out on the table”  as they say.A marriage can survive just about anything but dishonesty. If he can’t be honest, it may be time for an annullment. Don’t get anymore involved with a guy who lies. It’ll be much harder if kids are involved.

Post # 39
Member
403 posts
Helper bee

labellamerci :  You’ll pay big bux for somebody to tell your husband to be honest. An adult male should be able to act like one, including being honest. If he can’t, it may be time to leave.

Post # 41
Member
2766 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

PeachSnapple :  this was the wisest most levelheaded advice on this thread OP. Plz read and re-read!

Post # 42
Member
139 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

crackerjax :  What?

I was stating that bee could take the advice of others to go to counseling. “Big Bucks” Sure.

I also stated she could get a lawyer and serve him divorce papers. “Big Bucks” Sure.

I have no clue what crap you were trying to stir. I’m not having any part of it.

Presented with the evidence bee has given, I’d walk. Save me “Big Bucks” both emotionally and literally when it comes to dragging on this sad marriage to it’s inevitable demise.

Post # 43
Member
403 posts
Helper bee

labellamerci :  I don’t think you read the post or understood it . Counselling costs big bux. All they’re going to do is tell him to be honest.  she needs to get out of the situation. Period.

Post # 44
Member
230 posts
Helper bee

I think his problem is inability at conflict management. He is horribly inadequate at dealing with conflict. Counselling can improve this or even self-reflection, self-awareness, and self-improvement. He fails at conflict in terms of dealing with his emotions internally and then externally against you. Then he seeks apparently comfort from another woman to deal with the pain and loneliness. He needs to grow up and behave like an adult. He is like a child trapped in an adult’s body.

Post # 45
Member
139 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

crackerjax :  I think it’s you that needs to check their reading comprehension…

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