Post # 1
First of all forgive the fact that my right parentheses button stopped working yesterday so I will use asterisks instead*, please bare with me.
Last night at thanksgiving dinner she had place cards for our assigned seating *which btw when it came to my wedding she said she didn’t understand the point of assigned seating, but I realize that’s a little different*, where each plate had a small printed out prayer. Except mine, mine didn’t have one. The smallest child, 3 years old even had one. At first I thought maybe it’s because they are printed in spanish *that’s Mother-In-Law primary language* and she didn’t want me to feel uncomfortable, until I took a closer look- yep, it’s printed in english just below where it’s printed in spanish. Maybe you’re wondering if it’s out of respect for different religious beliefs I may have- nope. I was raised Christian/Catholic and was married a month ago in a Catholic church which she attended. *And didn’t get us a wedding gift.*
I wonder if some of her other behaviors are her passive aggressive way of quietly not accepting me. Crying inconsolably when Darling Husband moved his things out of the house *he was freaking thirty for f***s sake*, Insisting that she do all the decorating in DH’s daughters room when we got our new house, turning up her nose at my attempts at mexican food.
I don’t want to portray her as a mean or rude person, she definetly is not that. She is very reserved, loving, and religious woman. I guess sometimes I just feel she has a quiet way of “giving me the finger” haha.
Just a couple of days ago my 11 yr old step daughter *who lives with us* made honor roll and was very excited when she got home from school. She wanted to call her grandma to share the news I told her she should! I asked what happened, “I bet she is proud of you huh!” and step daughter said “I don’t know I think so, grandma just said that it’s because since I’ve moved with you and dad I probably don’t have very many friends like I did in my old neighborhood so I am focusing more on school now” I know, not the worst thing to say but I did feel like it belittled step daughters and mines credit for working really hard toward getting her back on track in school.
I’m having a cranky day, plus I tend to be a defensive person since I come from a very judmental family myself. And believe me this is not a roadblock in my life or anything just throwing this out there for the bees to tell me how they would read into this. Nothing? Or yes, she’s definetly harboring some feeling toward me?
Post # 3
Definitely sounds rude, but maybe she doesn’t notice this happening and you are over-thinking it? I’d bring it up to your husband and see what he says, especially the part about his daughter. That’s so sad to take away from the accomplishments of the girl!
Post # 4
I think it’s probably a combination of things, cultural misunderstandings and a lot changes she probably hasn’t gotten fully on board with.
I think she needs a little time to adjust. I’m guessing if your Fi lived at home with his daughter that she probably had a big hand in raising his daughter and she probably misses her and it’s a hard adjustment.
That being said at a certain point she has to get over it, if she becomes overbearing and rude and starts doing blatantly rude/mean things you guys need to have boundaries for her.
In the meantime I would be the bigger person and ignore the passive aggressive slights as long as they stay to a limit. Eventually its going to make her look bad to the rest of the family and your Fi, and you can only be patient for so long so don’t let her get away with it for ever.
Post # 5
@RedWine13: I want to think she doesn’t notice either, think the highest of her actions rather than lowest, but some of these things how could she NOT notice? Putting cards at 32 peoples place settings including children but not at her sons new wifes? Going to a wedding usually obligates you to bring/send a gift unless of course you can’t afford it of course, but for your only sons wedding, no gift seems odd to me.
Post # 6
@TwoCityBride: That is exactly what I am doing. I’m treating her as if these questionable gestures don’t happen and doing everything a Mother-In-Law would hope for. Often times when I bake I bake an extra to be sent to her, I drive my step daughter to her whenever she decides she wants her which isn’t far but isn’t exactly close, about thirty to forty minutes, because she doesn’t drive. Always asking her if she needs anything to call me/let me know because I’m happy to help etc. I did do something that I consider bold last night though, and that was to to speak out loud the reason I wasn’t saying a prayer. When it came my turn at the table my SILs were waiting for me to read mine and instead of feeling bad/embarrased I let that fall on her- I said “I would, but I guess I didn’t get one!” hmph.
Post # 7
@punkin83: Not to be negative, but… I think it sounds like she’s excluding your on purpose. What she said to your stepdaughter was rude and unnecessary, also. Even if she wanted to express that to YOU, but wasn’t appropriate to say to the child.
In my experience, Latin men tend to be really close to their mothers and families in general. Living at home till 30 is totally normal, as is living with your parents after you get married. That may be why she’s having a hard time letting go. Has your husband spoken to her about your feeling excluded/left-out? She needs to grasp that you are his priority now, and that if she’s not treating YOU well, you won’t be coming around, and neither will he. None of this needs to be aggressive, but he should make it clear.
I also think you should go out of your way to make an effort to bond with her- both on your own and with your husband. If she feels more included, she may make an effort to include you more.