Post # 1
Member
148 posts
Blushing bee
So I’m finally marrying the man I love. We have been together for 8.5 years at this point and made a mutual decision to tie the knot on our next anniversary. We have been having so much fun figuring out how we should do it, where and all. Everything felt like it was falling into place. Our anniversary is June 13, this upcoming year our favorite cruise ship will be in our favorite port(Grand Cayman) on our anniversary! My cousin did her vow renewal there a few years back and we loved the photos and the officiant and all, well she is available. So I talked to my mom and let her know that this was what we wanted to do. This all felt so great and we both wanted our moms there to celebrate with us.
Everything was going well, mom was helping me plan we were talking every day about it and all. I told her we were waiting on telling FHs mom because she is excitable (to put it kindly) and likes to be involved .I love her and she is so happy for us she wants to help in all ways(especially $$$) she is gifting us half of her anniversary jacket from her late husband. When she told us we cried and are so grateful, she paid our cruise deposit and that is when my mom lost her shit. I obviously want them both involved but my mom has been having fits every time wedding stuff is brought up. I ended up asking my best friend to be my maid of honor to come along and be a buffer between the parents but my mom has since refused to go and is blaming me and states I am ruining our relationship by “putting his mom first” simply because I have invited her along with all the things. I asked my mom to go dress shopping, then later my friend asked in a group with both moms when we could go look at dresses and that we could make a girls day of it, get manis and pedsis too. My mom messaged me directly that she doesnt do those things and that I should only go dress shopping with her. It ended up being a bigger fight and its dragged on for months. She wont just have a conversation with me without ending up in a fight about the wedding. She refuses to go now claiming her anxiety wont let her cruise(she used to go 3-4 times a year and is the reason my FH and I love cruising, and part of why we decided to do it that way, something she likes too) she is now telling me she never wanted to go and when I point out we were making all the plans and I was telling her about everything each step of the way she claims she “never thought I would go through with it” and I “never wanted to get married before so why do I now?”
Another bit of backstory: my sister got married on my FH and my 7th anniversary behind everyone’s backs at the courthouse alone, when it was brought us that that was our anniversary and we didnt like that because we wanted to get married on that date in a few years she stated it was “the only Tuesday available” but refused to think of a different date to do a reception and now they cant afford one anyway with two kids, it was big drama too. so my mom thinks we should “pick another date” because “it doesnt matter, it’s just a number on the calendar”
I’m mildly crushed that she is acting this way instead of being even remotely excited for us or acting like she cares that we are finally doing this. Part of me just knows my family will always be dramatic for the sake of it and the longer I’m out of it all the more I see it and the more relaxed in ve become, but part of me it a little hurt that she wont move past her own shit to be there for her youngest daughter. Halp
Post # 2
Member
8263 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
Yeah, your mom sounds like crazy town. I probably wouldn’t pick the exact same date as a sibling, that is kind of weird to me. And any day that you get married will be special regardless.
Post # 3
Member
148 posts
Blushing bee
jellybellynelly : yeah, it was our date we had in mind already (as it’s our anniversary) FH and I have talked about it extensively. We wanted to keep the date because he sees the “wedding date” as starting over if we pick a different day. Hes right imo, we spent years cultivating our relationship and neither of us want a wedding ceremony to “change” what we have. So we are putting our own feelings in front for this one.
He is more bitter about them getting married on our anniversary at this point than I am. I talked to my sister about it, she gets why we were hurt and claims not to remember that it was our anniversary, even though we had talked about it.
She wants to “share” our reception and I’m putting a hard no on that one
Post # 4
Member
2353 posts
Buzzing bee
sinsyddy : Your mother is being ridiculous, is she unable to help financially? Sounds like there is some jealousy since your Future Mother-In-Law is helping you guys out quite a bit financially. I understand why you would be hurt by her behavior, it’s immature.
Do you really think she won’t go, or is she just throwing a fit right now?
I do think you were out of line to get mad at your sister for getting married on your dating anniversary, you don’t get to reserve June 13th just because it’s your anniversary.
ETA I just saw your update, why would you share your reception with your sister? She’ll have gotten married a couple years before you guys have your wedding, so her day has come and gone.
Post # 5
Member
2999 posts
Sugar bee
She is being ridiculous. Sorry – I have no advice to give…
Post # 6
Member
669 posts
Busy bee
We would like to get married on our 10 year anniversary. That’s a Tuesday though and we want a Saturday, so we are hoping for the weekend before. So I totally get that sentiment. It isn’t SUPER important to me, but I would be sad too in your position.
Your mum’s behaviour is not ok. She should be thrilled for you, and also thrilled that you are welcoming people to get involved. I don’t get on with my future Mother-In-Law very well and it crushes my mum, she so wishes I had a good relationship with her. Your mum needs some perspective and should be putting your feelings in all this first. Is she jealous about how much your Mother-In-Law is able to help you? If she is, that’s silly too. She should be pleased for you.
Post # 7
Member
1963 posts
Buzzing bee
“Mom, you can not act like an adult then I have nothing else to tell you. You will no longer have to worry about dress shopping or your anxiety, because you will not be invited to share in your daughters wedding. Let me know what you decided.”
But I’m a bitch.
Post # 8
Member
9893 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
I’d stop offering any information besides the time and location. She can be like any other guest if she wants to throw a hissy fit about it. If she doesn’t come, that’s on her.
I would also have the wedding on the date of your choosing. No one is going to care that your sister had the same date. It literally means nothing to anyone but yourselves. Again if she doesn’t want to come because of the date, that’s on her. If she can’t afford a reception for herself she may not even come due to finances anyway.
Definitely a hard No on the sharing a reception bit.
Sorry your family is being so selfish. This isn’t about them.
Post # 9
Member
13783 posts
Honey Beekeeper
I guess I’ll give an outlying perspective.
Personally, I think your mother deserves some consideration, here, but then again I’m not a fan of the current trend in entourage shopping. If she sees this as an “experience” why not just go with her separately, or on a first trip? Compromise.
As for the shared anniversary, if it were me I couldn’t have cared less. You’re going to spend your life celebrating your anniversary with your husband and she will spend hers with her husband celebrating hers. Who cares?
I never knew that getting married on your dating anniversary was such a big deal for some people before joining this site, either. In real life I don’t know a single person who did this or cared. Your wedding anniversary becomes special in its own right.
Your mother does sound frustrating in the way she started out enthusiastic about planning, and in the way she reacts and behaves. I get that part. But the realities of a destination wedding are often much different than the fantasy. I’m generally against the concept as a burden and imposition on others. I’d take her at her word there.
No sharing the reception.
Post # 10
Member
2052 posts
Buzzing bee
Bee I’m so sorry you don’t have the mother you need but mom’s busy being a master manipulator right now.
I’m under the impression that your mother uses “dramatics” to get her way regularly. If that is the case, just know that she’s doing it again and its pure manipulation to again….get her way and make things about her. This is “N” behavior bee and you need to disengage.
The means you don’t play the game. Set boundaries with repercussions if those boundaries are violated. That means to go ahead and plan your wedding as you want. Let her know that you’d love for her to be involved but if not you’ll go ahead with your planning and wedding without her. Then ENFORCE THAT! Don’t cave to the hysterics, just either hang up the phone or walk away, whatever the case is and you consistently do that!
If her bad behavior escalates….go limited contact.
I get it bee, you love your mom and it hurts that she can’t simply love and support you but the reality is she’ll never be that kind of mom and you need to treat things accordingly.
Drop the resentment as far as your sister is concerned…its irrelevant and unnecessary drama. You are not singularly entitled to that date. She got married before she even knew there was a wedding on the horizon for you and why would she remember that its your anniversary date? You’re making that about you bee when she had her own agenda. She married in secret for a reason….to avoid the drama and everybody else’s agendas. Your judgement of her doesn’t make you look good at all. Stop letting your mother’s ridiculousness rub off on you.
Post # 11
Member
716 posts
Busy bee
Your mom is crazy. I would continue to do plan the wedding on the anniversary date you already planned. Call your mom’s bluff, send her the invites, and see whether she’ll come or not.
What I think is important step: make invites ASAP and send to people early so they’ll receive them and RSVP before your sister. Seeing she might not have enough money to plan a wedding, that might curb her ‘belated’ reception and call her bluff as well.
If needs be, tell your mom and sister to change her reception date because “it doesnt matter, it’s just a number on the calendar” .
Post # 12
Member
411 posts
Helper bee
First off, you should choose to marry on any date you want. Dates are important for some people. Your sister decided on that day knowing your feelings so – oh well you’re sharing the date, and she cannot share your reception. If she didn’t want to be celebrating her anniversary on your wedding day, she shouldn’t have picked that date.
With regard to your mother, she’s ridiculous! After everything that has happened I’d probably just tell her if she can’t be happy and productive that she just shouldn’t come. I’d call her bluff. But only you’d know if that would work. But honestly, if she keeps it up, you may really not want her there.
Post # 13
Member
148 posts
Blushing bee
I obviously left out that I dont care now about my sister having the same date, I was hurt by it because the way it all came out. She told me on my birthday AFTER dragging the family out to do a “surprise engagement” on the day we were supposed to have my birthday lunch when they had been married over a month at that point.
It was all unnecessary drama, they were going to keep it under wraps for 3 years(after knowing that was the date we were going to get married, because that had been a conversation between my sister FH and I a few months before they got married)
Again, this is secondary to the mama drama because my sister and I have moved past that, it was just a point to the dramatics my family is known for at this point