Is my partner over his ex(s) – help!!!

posted 5 months ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
3946 posts
Honey bee

 Ugh. Get rid of him now. Drunkenly pulling down his pants to show an ex his tattoo is enough on its own.

Post # 17
Member
104 posts
Blushing bee

You have to close a door to open a new door. He has unresolved issues from the past. This isn’t about you but you can’t have a good relationship when he is living so much in the past (whether good or bad). You don’t want to be his therapist, consolation prize or rebound relationship. I would take a break from him for at least 3 months and then reevaluate. If he can get past his past, then reconsider it. He doens’t seem to be able to do that right now. The more you invest, the more you willl get hurt. 

Post # 18
Member
2820 posts
Sugar bee

whattodonow13 :  ‘I had a life before you, you know’ 🙄

Everyone had a life before everyone, that doesn’t mean you dredge up the past when it’s both irrelevant and hurtful. 

I had an ex like this.. it was almost like he liked to collect his exes. He’d sort of keep the emotional drama going which each of us to make himself feel important – rather than just let it go and move on. I

It’s not even specific to you or one specific ex. It’s a pattern of behaviour that he clearly seems to enjoy. 

Post # 19
Member
824 posts
Busy bee

wolfeyes : +1  Your posts are spot on. ‘lolling about in the drama of it all’ and ‘collecting exes’ 

OP- ewww, gross, he’s using his exes to GROOM you. Beyond manipulative. He references them constantly!  Either positively ‘you need to dress at least as nice as she did‘ to make you feel you need to compete with them. Or negatively ‘you don’t try and tell me what to eat like she did’ to condition you on what *not* to do. 

What you really, truly need to be asking yourself OP is why you’ve put up with all this bullshit and nonsense as long as you have. Why have you set the bar so low in the treatment you’ll accept? These are the real questions sweetie, you need to ditch this dude and set the bar much higher. 

Post # 20
Member
1236 posts
Bumble bee

Pulling down his pants to show his ex his tattoo…what a classy guy…

OP you can do better.

 

Post # 21
Member
2868 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

whattodonow13 :   I would stay away from people who wallow in the past. They will keep you there as well. He needs to learn how to move on.

Post # 22
Member
743 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

whattodonow13 :  This is all gross and too much. I had to stop reading. Just stop with this guy, he’s a mess. The fact that he brought up a second ex is a problem. Healthy people do not do this.

Post # 23
Member
673 posts
Busy bee

whattodonow13 :  

To me this sounds like a person with attachment and emotional stability issues, who uses each girlfriend to soothe his own hurt and feelings of emptiness. The way he bounces from one girlfriend to the other and dwells on the past, while insisting that you be fine with it, tells me this. 

His excessive talking about his exes and his willingness to connect with them still is a problem, and what makes it worse is that he doesn’t see it as a problem and has no intention of changing. Him crying about his ex while telling you that he loves you does not spell emotional health to me. Unfortunately he is using you as a crutch so that he doesn’t have to be alone and battle his inner “regrets and mistakes” on his own. He has you to be his therapist.

This is selfish behaviour on his part, and it’s not attractive. It doesn’t have your best interests at heart.

In my dating past, I dated two separated (but not divorced) men at different times. They both talked about their ex-wives incessantly, even though I never asked or expressed any interest. They would insist that I had to “support” them – which I suppose was code for let them spew about their exes whenever they felt like it, regardless of how it made me feel. I eventually realised I was being used.

A relationship should be about the two of you, and you shouldn’t have to feel that you always battling the demons of the past or fending off exes. A good partner won’t make you feel this way.

Post # 25
Member
530 posts
Busy bee

whattodonow13 :  Walk away bee & don’t put yourself through this any longer. You can do better! 

Post # 26
Member
10597 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

whattodonow13 :  

Bee, you’re being gaslit like crazy.  As long as you stay with this guy, you will keep feeling more insecure, more off balance, and more crazy.

He’s not the issue.  What’s important is discovering what drew you to someone like this.  What is it about the dynamic that feels familiar?  Unpleasant, perhaps, but familiar, nonetheless.

It’s important that you dig deep and find out what has made this kind of crappy relationship ok for you. Otherwise, you run the risk of going right into another shitty relationship.

Post # 27
Member
10597 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

wolfeyes :  

Yup.  Some of them collect harems.  To them, there is no such thing as an “ex”.

It correlates nicely with being on the higher end of the narcissism spectrum.

Post # 28
Member
228 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2029

whattodonow13 :  Don’t let him bring you down!  I’ve learned that when it comes down to exes, you have give an utlimatum.  Either they get rid of their ex, ex’s stuff etc or you leave.  Way too many experiences of guys being attached to their pasts.

Post # 30
Member
1506 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

Drunkenly pilling doen your pants to show an ex *anything* is not ok.

 

I’m not sure if he’s over his exes or not, but more than anything it doesn’t sound like he is into you. I was in a nearly 12 year relationship before my husband, and I *rarely* talk about that or any ex. An ex is an ex for a reason. Likewise, I know verrrrrry little about my husband’s exes. Like. I know there were 3. I know at least 2/3 cheated on him. I know one was a vet tech (came up because we have a special needs dog and there’s just a lot of things he *knows* to do). And that’s about it. The daily/weekly/monthly comparisons should not be happening. Period. 

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