(Closed) Is my reaction reasonable or do I need to get a grip?

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1129 posts
Bumble bee

I think calm discussion is in order.  You cannot change what has happened, nor did he do this TO you, he just did it, period.   What you can do at this point is tell him your feelings in plain simple English – that you feel he should not to discuss any more aspects of [insert here] with [insert here].

You got yourself into this by doing the whole “assume he knows the boundaries” thing that so many of us women do (myself included).  Can’t blame a guy for crossing an invisible line, no matter how obvious that line was to you after all of your counseling, etc.

Post # 4
Member
1854 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

Well, right now I think you should support your Fiance through what he’s feeling. Like you said, it’s too late now, he answered his father’s question. You feel like you shouldn’t have to explain to him not to tell about budget and I understand that and while I agree, I can also say that us women tend to take these things for granted, but men don’t. If there is something, anything very important to you, you have to tell him exactly what you expect – they can’t guess!

But do come up with a strong game plan together: what to tell / not tell in the future; what reason to give for not telling, etc.

Good luck!

Post # 5
Member
4765 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2011 - Vintage Villas

I would wait until you have calmed down a little, and then tell your fiance that in the future, you think it’d be best if you don’t discuss specifics about how much you’re spending with anyone (don’t just single out his parents as people not to discuss it with). Tell him that you’re uncomfortable having people know what you’re spending, and you’d rather leave it between the two of you! 

Post # 6
Member
2767 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

Just make sure you talk to your fiance and tell him that this is what you expect in the future.  Maybe he just didn’t realize that financial issues like that were meant to be kept between you two.  Just make sure he knows that for the future you’d like those matters kept private.

Post # 7
Member
950 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I think @christalynn nailed it on the head…using the “that you feel he should not to discuss any more aspects of [insert here] with [insert here]” line will clearly demonstrate your concerns to him without (hopefully) making him feel any more guilty.  If your Fiance asks how he should do that, suggest that he just be a little vague (not lie or ignore), just not give any details…or if asked a pointed question, suggest that he tell them you (both) have it under control & will take care of it.

Post # 8
Member
6572 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2010

i understand where you’re coming from, since you’re fi is having issues with his parents it is a different situation for you. but that does seem like a normal question that someone would discuss with their parents during the wedding planning process. if it is something that you wouldn’t want him to talk about, i would discuss the specifics with him.

Post # 9
Member
940 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

You sound like you’re in the mental health profession. 🙂 “Enmeshed” isn’t a word I hear much outside of work!

But on a serious note… I don’t think your reaction is unreasonable. I also don’t think you should say anything to your future in-laws, given that the conversation took place with your fiance and his father, and it’s an opportunity for your fiance to have a “healing moment” with his dad, or, in the absence of that, a moment of growth and learning for himself.

However, I would recommend having a chat with your fiance. Given that he seems a bit fragile at the moment, maybe just a very simple, very gentle reminder that it would probably be best that you two collectively not share financial wedding information with other people, especially his parents.

Good luck.

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