(Closed) Is my SO bisexual or dealing with unresolved childhood abuse?

posted 6 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 2
1316 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015


With the info you provided, no i dont think so.

Post # 3
641 posts
Busy bee



Lots of straight people have fantasies about having threesomes, sometimes involving people of the same sex as they are.

It’s possible that your SO is bi. It’s possible that your SO is dealing with unresolved abuse. But having a fantasy about a threesome with you and another guy isn’t evidence of either of those things.

Whether or not this would be a good idea to pursue is an entirely different question.

Post # 4
18628 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

If he knows that you would enjoy it, he might be wanting to do something for you.  Has he been therapy for the abuse?

Post # 6
570 posts
Busy bee

Is this a real post?

Post # 9
664 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Why don’t you ask him if he’s sure he can handle a threesome given his history of abuse? Also has he talked to this other guy about this situation at all? Do you know if he would even be open to that? Not everyone is cool with being a third, especially if he’s a friend. I also think it’s important for you two to really think about what this means for your relationship (is it a one time thing? Is this something you’re going to want to do every once in awhile? Does he just want to spice things up or is he not completely satisfied with your sex life? Has he been interested in a threesome for awhile or is this a new desire for him? Would he be interested in a threesome with any man or just this particular man? If he wants it only to be with this guy in particular, why? Is it just because he really trusts him? Is he sure he would be okay with seeing you with another man, especially if that man is a friend? Are you okay with sleeping with one of his friends who you would presumably be seeing again every so often? Are you okay with a threesome in general or would it make you feel used or unhappy?)

You should talk about how this will work and lay down any ground rules that you need to minimize jealousy or hurt and if the other guy is open to it, you need to set ground rules with him too and be completely honest about what this situation means for you as a couple and for your friendship with him. Established couples have to be very careful when they embark on threesomes because you don’t want this to end up either bringing back any of his trauma or negatively impacting your relationship in any way.

Post # 10
1845 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

My SO has had a threesome with another guy and a woman.  He’s not bisexual.  He said he liked seeing her with the other guy, almost like porn in real life that you’re participating in.  It creeps me out to think of him doing that, not because of the other guy, I just think it’s super intensely sexual.

I’ve had a threesome with another woman, and I’m not bisexual either.  It was actually a terrible experience.  Even if you think it’s harmless, you might want to reconsider doing it.  Emotions come up that you would never expect, and my threesome was with relative strangers.  It’s just weird trying to be generous and allow everyone to get their time, while having fun yourself.  It’s like trying to manage too much at once.  If I had feelings for either one of the people I would definitely have had a hard time.  As it was, I got little pangs of jealousy when he would spend more time with her, even though I would pull away and encourage it, because I thought he was spending too much time with me.  It was weird and gross and I don’t really like to think about it.

I have a fantasy in the back in my mind about a threesome with two guys, but to imagine it in real life with my boyfriend makes it so unappealing.  I think I would feel too used, not to mention the crazy emotions I’d feel about my boyfriend and some random dude being with me at the same time.

About his sexual trauma… that’s another story altogether.  But I will say it is quite hard to have sexual trauma and emotionally deal with the fact that some of the things that happened that were not good due to the situation, are actually turn-ons in other situations with people who care about you and when all parties are consenting adults. 

Post # 11
5083 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2014

I’ve known straight guys who have engaged in threesomes with another guy and a girl, but they did not do anything with the other guy. It was like PP said, they just liked watching the girl with the other guy and then being able to do stuff with the girl, like interactive porn. The fact that he is willing to do stuff with the guy suggests to me that he may be at least curious and possibly bisexual. 

His abuse would be an issue for me as well. That is something that you should discuss and he may need to discuss the possible repercussions of doing this with a therapist. 

Post # 12
2347 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
50days22:  None of us can tell you for sure if he’s bisexual, BUT lots of straight people have threesomes of all varieties so I wouldn’t say that alone makes him bi. 

For reference, I’m bisexual and the first time I realized I was attracted to both sexes I was probably about 8 or 9 years old. I didn’t understand it at the time because I didn’t know what it was, but I remember a girl in my class in elementary school who always made my stomach get butterflies and made me nervous the same way cute guys did. Of course I was confused, but once I read about being bisexual (I was probably 13 or 14) I was just like, “OH! THAT’S what I am!” and it all made sense. 

I’ve had sex with lots of men and women and had threesomes with straight and bi people. I wouldn’t worry about him being bisexual because honestly that doesn’t mean he can’t be monogamous with you, so unless you believe being bi or gay is wrong I don’t see what difference it makes. I’ve been with my Fiance in a totally monogamous relationship for 6 years and we’re getting married. 

I think you’re right to be concerned about this experience triggering him due to his history of abuse though. I would focus on that and have an honest conversation with him about your concerns.  

Post # 13
9081 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I don’t know if he’s bi. There’s no universal test. You can’t just stick a special thermometer in his mouth and have it ding if he’s bisexual or not. But I don’t think he is. Just because a man has a threesome with another man does not mean his sexuality needs to be called into question.

Post # 15
7528 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

Why don’t you go to Nevada and visit a brothel? That way there are very clear, built-in boundaries, and you both can explore his fantasy without worrying about anyone (including the third person) getting their feelings hurt. While the majority of sex workers in Nevada are women, it is not too hard to find a brothel with male workers too.

as for the rest of it, wanting to experiment with a man as part of this three-way does not automatically make him bisexual; bisexual people are just as capable of bing committed and monogamous as heterosexual people are, so even if he IS bisexual, it shouldn’t affect his ability to be true to you; and childhood abuse does not “turn” someone bi or gay.

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