(Closed) Is my upcoming wedding doomed?

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
2076 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - British Columbia

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mollymolly1:  Take some time away from wedding planning; plan something unexpected she likes, but also take the time to get her talk about her fears. It might help to involve a pre-marital counsellor (there are lots of one day course out there). There are so many things that my DH and I talked about before and after pre-marriage counselling classes. (Finances, culture, family, religion; etc)

Post # 3
Member
1345 posts
Bumble bee

yup, doomed.

Post # 4
Member
7892 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

That sounds very stressful! As much as it hurts, I think things will be better in the long run if you put the wedding on hold. That way you two can get counseling, work things out, and if it works out, you can both enter marriage confidently. If one of you realizes that it’s time to walk away, it’s better to do that before you’re married. 

Based on your intro, you two met when she was 16 and you were 21? I wonder if being together from such a young age is a factor in her conflict now. 

Post # 5
Member
2076 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - British Columbia

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craigslistgirl:  +1. THIS.

It is better to postpone the wedding and seek counselling. It’s cheaper to postpone the wedding than having to deal with legalities of breaking away from a marriage.

Post # 6
Member
1414 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

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mollymolly1:  Your Fiance is trying to break up with you but is giving you mixed messages because she doesn’t want to hurt you. Most likely she loves  you but is not in love with you. Once upon a time I feel sure she was, but it sounds as if when you first got together, she was 16 and you were 21. My patents never would have allowed me to date a guy five years older when I was in high school. She has to grow up and you need to do both of you a favor and let her go!

The good news is that you are 31, a much in-demand age for a guy. As long as you don’t date college girls or women your moms age, you could date considerably younger, older or your age. And you can still fit in easily in a bar crowd. So although it hurts, let her go, grieve the loss and find someone else.

Post # 7
Member
38 posts
Newbee

I’m so sorry you’re going through this! Honestly, it’s best to probably put the wedding off for a bit until she is sure about her feelings. It sounds like she really doesn’t know what she wants, and it will be less painful to find out now rather than 5 years down the road. You both were young when you got together and she is most likely feeling like she’s “missed out” on typical experiences people have in their early twenties/late teens. I don’t know that for sure, but I went through similar feelings with a guy.. broke up with him after 5 years and we dated other people.  After about a year of being apart, we found our way back to each other and three years later we are now engaged! I’m not letting him go again, haha. Point is, you deserve someone who knows 100% that they want to be with you and if you need to wait to figure that out, I think it’s worth it. Good luck!! 

Post # 8
Member
21 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Wow i totally disagree with everyone! I think you are right that relationships take work, sacrifice and constant communication. It sounds like you have all 3 areas under control. She is able to communicate and sounds like your doing a good job being there for her! I think it sounds like cold feet/confusion bc once you’re engaged eveeything seems bigger than it really is, things can easily be blown out of proportion in her head but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you. If you already live together and have been together that long, she must love you. If she wanted to call off the wedding she would, but right now it seems like she just wants reassurance before making the biggest commitment of her life. Totally normal in my opinion. 

Post # 11
Member
4242 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

So she started dating you at 16, bought a HOUSE with you at 19, and has lived with you ever since.  I think that has a LOT to do with it.  It may have felt right to you but I highly doubt she felt ready to buy a house at age 19, especially with a significant other.  I know you love her and I understand that, however take a step back…is this your dream as a couple or is this YOUR dream as an individual?  I don’t doubt she loves you, however before you got together with her you had an opportunity to live your life as a young adult.  It doesn’t sound like she has really had that especially if you spend “every waking minute” together.

Postpone the wedding and truly listen to what she is trying to tell you.  I’m sure she feels dreadful about bringing this up right at the time of your wedding, but it could be the biggest mistake of your lives if you follow through with this without her figuring out these feelings.

Post # 12
Member
739 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

Maybe you should postpone the wedding, maybe not. I know it’s scary and painful but I’d sit down, be blunt, find out if this is just nervous turmoil or something that has always been there for her. How long has she felt this way and does it come & go most times for her? I would ask her honestly if she wants to call it off. 

I wish you a happy life, no matter how long it takes to get there. Stay strong honey, I can’t imagine the way you must feel but it’ll work itself out. Give her all you got and hopefully she’ll be the one to meet you at the finish line. 

Post # 13
Member
1578 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

I’m not sure, because I haven’t been through it yet, but I’ve heard that a couple of weeks before the wedding you always get into a fight with your Fiance. I’ve heard that from the two couples that got married this year that I was in their wedding party and I’ve heard it from coworkers. All of them said that at some point, right before the wedding you will doubt whether or not you’re meant to be married. 

She’s scared. It’s a big decision so don’t discount those feelings just because it happens to everyone but also take the appropriate messures to get rid of that fear. I like what others said, take a step back from planning this wedding. Do something spontaneous lilke your Fiance would enjoy, talk with her, let her express her fears. A lot of times, just talking about them can make them go away. Go see that pre-marital counselor too. I think that’s a great step. You may have to see the counselor after you’re married as well. 

You’re right, it’s a lot of hard work to make a relationship good. 

After my Fiance and I got engaged, I had this fear in the pit of my stomach and I couldn’t put a name to it. I didn’t know why I was scared, I couldn’t understand it. So I read books about fears before getting married (the titles have slipped my mind, sorry) and it really helped. 

I hope you can figure this out *hugs* to you! 

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