Post # 1
I’m not really sure where to start. I’m not sure where to turn. I found this forum and thought you guys coild possibly give me some advice.
My fiancé(26) and myself (31) have been together for 10 years so since we were both quiet young. We bought a house together 7 years ago so have been living together since 2008. We have been engaged for 18 months and due to get married in 2 weeks time. As you could imagine everything has been booked and mostly all paid for.
I would say im pretty happy in this relationship and i know 100% i want to spend the rest of my life with this girl. Of course we have some ups and downs but mostly i thought things were heading in the right direction.
About 6 weeks ago she told me she was having some doubts and how she wasn’t sure if i was the person she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. I was really shocked to hear this. She was saying how was she supposed to know if she is making the right decision? I comforted her and said shes just feeling all the stress and everything will be okay. Saying she is confused and not sure what she wants from life how she feels trapped.tells me she doesn’t think she is in love with me but will love me forever and always.I Told her i was 110% commited to making this marriage a good one so she knows where i stand.
So last night 2 weeks before the wedding after half a dozen drinks or so she decides to bring everything back up to the surface pretty much saying the same kind of things. That shes not sure she is scared. I told her of course there are some things we need to improve like every relationship there is going to be some hard work involved im commited the whole way to make things work. But she’s not happy. She wants me to be more spontaneous take her on more dates make her feel in love with her. I totally understand this and i am willing to try harder im just scared it’s too late.
This has torn me right apart. Today we are meeting with my mum and grandparents to finalize all the songs for the wedding. Do we just pretend everything is okay? I feel so [email protected]#ed up right now am i living a lie? Am i in denial?
I cook dinner for her every night after walking our dog and going to the gym for an hour. We spend every waking moment together when we’re not at work. I do the dishes everyday i clean the house. You name it. Im not a lazy slob i do everything i can to help.
Really at a loss right now
I never want to give up on her or our relationship i just cant let go i love her with all my heart. The thought of cancelling the wedding/honeymoon breaks my heart.
Thanks for listening
Post # 2
- Wedding: June 2014 - British Columbia
Take some time away from wedding planning; plan something unexpected she likes, but also take the time to get her talk about her fears. It might help to involve a pre-marital counsellor (there are lots of one day course out there). There are so many things that my DH and I talked about before and after pre-marriage counselling classes. (Finances, culture, family, religion; etc)
Post # 4
That sounds very stressful! As much as it hurts, I think things will be better in the long run if you put the wedding on hold. That way you two can get counseling, work things out, and if it works out, you can both enter marriage confidently. If one of you realizes that it’s time to walk away, it’s better to do that before you’re married.
Based on your intro, you two met when she was 16 and you were 21? I wonder if being together from such a young age is a factor in her conflict now.
Post # 5
- Wedding: June 2014 - British Columbia
It is better to postpone the wedding and seek counselling. It’s cheaper to postpone the wedding than having to deal with legalities of breaking away from a marriage.
Post # 6
Your Fiance is trying to break up with you but is giving you mixed messages because she doesn’t want to hurt you. Most likely she loves you but is not in love with you. Once upon a time I feel sure she was, but it sounds as if when you first got together, she was 16 and you were 21. My patents never would have allowed me to date a guy five years older when I was in high school. She has to grow up and you need to do both of you a favor and let her go!
The good news is that you are 31, a much in-demand age for a guy. As long as you don’t date college girls or women your moms age, you could date considerably younger, older or your age. And you can still fit in easily in a bar crowd. So although it hurts, let her go, grieve the loss and find someone else.
Post # 7
I’m so sorry you’re going through this! Honestly, it’s best to probably put the wedding off for a bit until she is sure about her feelings. It sounds like she really doesn’t know what she wants, and it will be less painful to find out now rather than 5 years down the road. You both were young when you got together and she is most likely feeling like she’s “missed out” on typical experiences people have in their early twenties/late teens. I don’t know that for sure, but I went through similar feelings with a guy.. broke up with him after 5 years and we dated other people. After about a year of being apart, we found our way back to each other and three years later we are now engaged! I’m not letting him go again, haha. Point is, you deserve someone who knows 100% that they want to be with you and if you need to wait to figure that out, I think it’s worth it. Good luck!!
Post # 8
Wow i totally disagree with everyone! I think you are right that relationships take work, sacrifice and constant communication. It sounds like you have all 3 areas under control. She is able to communicate and sounds like your doing a good job being there for her! I think it sounds like cold feet/confusion bc once you’re engaged eveeything seems bigger than it really is, things can easily be blown out of proportion in her head but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you. If you already live together and have been together that long, she must love you. If she wanted to call off the wedding she would, but right now it seems like she just wants reassurance before making the biggest commitment of her life. Totally normal in my opinion.
Post # 10
Thanks heaps guys and gals for all the replies. I have contacted a relationship councilor via email to see if we can talk to someone this week to get to the bottom of everything.
What you guys said is 100% true that being with her from such a young age she feels as if she has missed a chunk of her life and now she has to be all grown up. Things are stressful yeah but i cant give up on the love of my life.
Post # 11
So she started dating you at 16, bought a HOUSE with you at 19, and has lived with you ever since. I think that has a LOT to do with it. It may have felt right to you but I highly doubt she felt ready to buy a house at age 19, especially with a significant other. I know you love her and I understand that, however take a step back…is this your dream as a couple or is this YOUR dream as an individual? I don’t doubt she loves you, however before you got together with her you had an opportunity to live your life as a young adult. It doesn’t sound like she has really had that especially if you spend “every waking minute” together.
Postpone the wedding and truly listen to what she is trying to tell you. I’m sure she feels dreadful about bringing this up right at the time of your wedding, but it could be the biggest mistake of your lives if you follow through with this without her figuring out these feelings.
Post # 12
Maybe you should postpone the wedding, maybe not. I know it’s scary and painful but I’d sit down, be blunt, find out if this is just nervous turmoil or something that has always been there for her. How long has she felt this way and does it come & go most times for her? I would ask her honestly if she wants to call it off.
I wish you a happy life, no matter how long it takes to get there. Stay strong honey, I can’t imagine the way you must feel but it’ll work itself out. Give her all you got and hopefully she’ll be the one to meet you at the finish line.
Post # 13
I’m not sure, because I haven’t been through it yet, but I’ve heard that a couple of weeks before the wedding you always get into a fight with your Fiance. I’ve heard that from the two couples that got married this year that I was in their wedding party and I’ve heard it from coworkers. All of them said that at some point, right before the wedding you will doubt whether or not you’re meant to be married.
She’s scared. It’s a big decision so don’t discount those feelings just because it happens to everyone but also take the appropriate messures to get rid of that fear. I like what others said, take a step back from planning this wedding. Do something spontaneous lilke your Fiance would enjoy, talk with her, let her express her fears. A lot of times, just talking about them can make them go away. Go see that pre-marital counselor too. I think that’s a great step. You may have to see the counselor after you’re married as well.
You’re right, it’s a lot of hard work to make a relationship good.
After my Fiance and I got engaged, I had this fear in the pit of my stomach and I couldn’t put a name to it. I didn’t know why I was scared, I couldn’t understand it. So I read books about fears before getting married (the titles have slipped my mind, sorry) and it really helped.
I hope you can figure this out *hugs* to you!