Is my wedding the right time to make this statement?

posted 5 months ago in Family
Post # 2
66 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

Its your wedding, your memories,  and your money. I say do what makes you and your future spouse happy. 

Post # 3
8068 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

theboo :  I think you need to evaluate your motivations for doing this. Is it to teach your family a lesson or is it because you actually want your FH’s uncle to be the one who marries you? I think it would be very unfair to your FH’s uncle to use him as a pawn in your game. 

Post # 5
122 posts
Blushing bee

I agree with j_jaye. While it’s great that you want to make a statement to your family, this might be the wrong way to do it. Have you thought about how your FH’s uncle would feel about this? It might be a good idea to just ask him. I’m sure he’d understand where you’re coming from, and would be open to telling you whether or not it makes him uncomfortable. I know that if I was him, I might feel uncomfortable officiating a wedding because I’m being used to make a stand of some sort, rather than because the couple genuinely wanted me to marry them. 

Post # 6
6915 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

j_jaye :  +1 Your motivations in this are important. I would never advise you ask your FH’s uncle to perform your ceremony just to make a statement. That would be using him as a pawn in this drama with your family. But it’s perfectly fine to ask him to perform the ceremony if it’s because you truly want him to because he’s important to you and it would bring you joy on your day.

I guess I would leave out the thoughts of “What statement do I want to make?” and just decide with your FH who you feel would do the best job, make your ceremony more special for the two of you. What your family thinks of your officiant need not factor into your decision. 

Post # 7
113 posts
Blushing bee

Agree with the pp about concerns in using the uncle as a pawn in teaching your close minded family a lesson. I’m confused about your intentions. Do you plan on making his sexuality a part of the ceremony by mentioning it in some way or do you just know that your family knows he is gay and will glean a message from him being your officiant? If it’s the former I would find that very odd and off putting, because it’s not as though a straight officiant would have his or her sexuality mentioned during the ceremony. If it’s just that the family knows he is gay and could be either offended or enlightened then I say if he’s who you want to perform your ceremony you should go ahead.

Post # 9
4983 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

theboo :  Have you considered having them co-officiate, if both uncles are comfortable with it?  I agree with the above though, don’t use him to make a statement, that’s not fair to him and in its own way, just as bad as the way your family is reacting.  I assume it’ll be obvious because his husband will be attending your wedding as well, even if you don’t say anything specific, it’s clear you support them as humans.  What I’d actually worry about is whether the family would keep their opinions quiet and be respectful on the day, or if it would be the family gossip all night long, making things uncomfortable for everyone.  I think officiating together or having FH uncle take on some other role in the wedding could be good – it should be meaningful to both of you to have both uncles there.

Post # 10
1535 posts
Bumble bee

Whichever one you are closer to, ask him.  If he says he’s booked, ask the other. 

Post # 11
42 posts
  • Wedding: June 2017

If FH is close to his uncle, asking his uncle may be more meaningful for you both than asking yours. All this has shown you that your family is prejudiced against someone who is important to your future husband. If your uncle officiates the ceremony you’ll be married by a man who somehow thinks that your marriage (and that of all the straight couples assembled) is “real” while that of your FH’s uncle is illegitimate. Obviously FH’s uncle’s homosexuality will not be the topic of the ceremony, it will be somewhat natural. Yes, he can marry people. Yes, he happens to be gay.  Also, how hard it must have been for him to give up his career and face public scorn in order to live the way nature/God made him and find love, like all of us want to. I think it would be a beautiful gesture of acceptance to ask him to perform the ceremony. Asking your own uncle in order to avoid ruffling feathers might be more like a gesture of appeasement.


Post # 12
614 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

If you think FH’s uncle is the best for your wedding, ask him. Don’t do it to make a statement or teach a lesson. At this point it’s other people projecting, saying that it’s a ‘statement’, not you.

Post # 13
432 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

I had the exact same issue… I went out of my way to find an officiant who was open to performing gay marriages, because I didn’t feel comfortable having a prejudiced pastor. She will begin the ceremony with the statement “whomever you are, whatever you believe, and whomever you love, all are welcome here”… a bunch of my family is very anti homosexuality, but I’m Not, and I want people to know that my beliefs are super important to me. 

Make the statement! It is not juvenile of you, it’s juvenile of THEM to have such archaic beliefs in the first place!

Post # 14
1441 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

Go with the officiant you’re closer to or you feel will do the best job on the day irrespective of anything else.

Post # 15
4742 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

theboo :  Go with the one you feel best about.  In either case, you can work with them on the ceremony wording to reflect the views you and your FI hold.  Not in a firebrand way, but gently.  🙂

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