Post # 1
So many relationship websites suggests not discussing possible separation with friends and family if you want it to work. What do you think? Do they mean don’t shit talk or are they suggesting to bottle it all up?
It is impossible to act like everything is okay but I don’t really want my entire friend network to know or to be the talk of the office 🙁
Post # 2
I don’t know. I think people say that because some people have huge issues that if they told their friends or family it would be a dealbreaker where they’d never look at your SO the same. I have never had anything so alarming in my relationship that I would be scared my friends would write off Dh for. Maybe some other bees will have better insight. I have had very few issues in my relationship that I didn’t not talk to a friend about but again nothing has been a big deal. If my husband were to cheat on me or something I don’t know how I’d handle that especially if I forgave him but already told my friends and family. Something like that is difficult to recover from.
Post # 3
Do you have a therapist or counselor? Sometimes it’s best to work through some things with a more unbiased person who isn’t afraid to call you on your shit and won’t look down on your partner if you decide to try to make things work.
Post # 4
1. Don’t air your dirty laundry. Do you want your husband talking about you to his friends and coworkers?
2. Problems often get worked out. Sometimes they don’t, but sometimes they do. When people are taken along for the roller coaster ride hearing the ins and outs and the shit, they start forming their own opinions. And then what happens if you reconcile and now everyone in your life had a front row seat to the drama? And maybe you forgive your husband for whatever transgression or vice versa, but what if they can’t as easily? Or they take a different view of the proceedings and it strains their relationship with either one of you? Family holidays and dinner parties with friends just got a whole lot more awkward when they now hate one of you for whatever happened.
That doesn’t mean you have to keep it bottled up. Every one needs a confidante. But you should be judicious about it. Select carefully who you tell and the level of detail you give, particularly in early stages where your relationship status may be in flux. Do you have one trusted friend or family member you can have the utmost faith in? Maybe they are the one you confide in. Everyone else is need to know basis only. When in doubt, it is probably best to keep quiet and just deflect with a generic statement of going through some “stuff”. And when all else fails, therapy is a great resource to help you sort out your feelings and process what is happening.
Post # 5
I don’t think it’s appropriate to tell family or friends about issues in a marriage; I just feel it is breaking a trust. I wouldn’t want him saying things that would make his family and friends think differently about me, and he deserves the same courtesy. I agree that this is what counselors are for. With a counselor you can open up about things, even rant, and perhaps even get valuable, unbiased advice about what you are going through. Friends and family cannot be unbiased, but they can hold something you said about him against your Dh forever.
Post # 6
I also think it has to do with the people you confide in. I know some people who are judgemental about every little thing that can be very off putting. Of course everyone judges but some people take it to another level so it wouldn’t be best to confide in someone like that.
Post # 7
kblondee7 : I think it is healthy to talk about relationships with your close friends. But it has to be balanced. If all you and your friends are just shit talking your partners then that is not healthy. It needs to be about positives and negatives of your relationships. It also doesn’t have to be a play by play of every fight/argument. Talking about how to effectively communicate in xzy situation and stuff like that. Orhow to get your partner to understand your perspective.
I think the general line of “don’t air your dirty laundry” is a harmful one for society. The reason why domestic violence is so prevalent in our society (especially unreported DV) is in part due to this ridiculous statement. It is so easy to hide DV when we as a society are taught that it is not healthy/right to talk about our relationships.
That said you do need to choose who you talk to. Obviously if people at work are going to gossip about it then they are untrustworthy and you shouldn’t be who you confide or seek advice from.
I also think we as individual’s need to step up our game and stop being gossips or grudge holders. We need to realise that when someone emotional is confiding in us then we will rarely get the whole truth and most people when telling a story minimise their part in it. Obviously if you believe abuse is involved you should point that out.
Post # 9
You should always have someone to confide in, even about your marriage. I don’t tell people how stupid little fights with my husband but if something serious we’re to come up (like considering a divorce) I would 100% turn to my best friend, sister or mother.
Post # 10
j_jaye : Couldn’t agree with you more. My mom was a victim of DV and he abused us too but my mom never told anyone and neither did we. Well one night when she fought back he called the cops, she went to jail and my grandma took us. So there’s that. I wish she had opened up to someone who could slap sense into her because maybe I wouldn’t have had as traumatic childhood. I have friends that have shared some major issues but I try not to judge them harshly because I haven’t been in their shoes. We definitely need to get it together as a society.
Post # 11
DoubleD : that’s my initial thoughts.. nothing crazy has happened or anything.. just change in feelings 🙁
Post # 12
j_jaye : I agree.. it just feels unhealthy to not talk about things.. we honestly haven’t had any major issues in the past so this is new. I feel like talking with other married friends could help with perspective.
Post # 13
If you are committed to trying to work things out, I think it’s inappropriate and not in your best interests to talk about your issues with your husband behind his back. A marriage counselor would be a more experienced and objective source of advice.
Talking to other people may just compound your problems and set your marriage up for even more outside strain.
Post # 14
Ew at the people saying you shouldn’t talk to a friend about an issue in your marriage. I think you should be careful as to not give unnecessary information to people that may spread around, but you should still have somewhere to turn if you need advice or just someone to listen to you. And therapy isn’t the only option.
Speak to people you trust, don’t lay it all out to the first person who asks you how you are but have someone you trust and confide with them when you need to.
Post # 15
- Wedding: December 2018 - City, State
You always should have someone you can confide in. But you don’t want it to be a case of talking crap on your partner.
I would if someone approached me genuinely concerned, or if something was serious enough and I needed advice.
I think it’s very important to hold your out partner withutmost respect, but never breaking the couple bubble cabin some cases let some serious manipulation get out of hand. An outside perspective is healthy but needs to be the right person for the right reasons, and you need to be ready to hear an alternative opinion and advice.