Post # 16
It is important to talk about things to people, you do not need to bottle everything up!
However, if it’s something personal that could upset or humiliate your OH, I’d either refrain or talk to a professional, for privacy’s sake. Or if there is a friend or family member you trust.
Usually the best way to make sure they won’t blab your personal life is to think back to whether they ever gossip to you about people you know, or people’s intimate secrets.
Definitely don’t shit talk tho, for example, ‘my husband is a lazy so and so and won’t do the dishes or clean up and it’s pig like’, could just be changed to ‘It upsets me when my OH doesn’t clean up’. If your privacy does get compromised, it’s waaaaay better to not be petty (even if it feels good).
Post # 17
Tough one. While i think talking about issues with very close friends can be helpful, especially if any of them have had similar experiences, sometimes it’s not good to overshare. my best friend has told me so much shit about her boyfriend, all negative, horrible stuff that he does, that I honestly can’t stand to be around him anymore, knowing what I know. And she won’t break up with him so now it’s awkward.
Post # 18
My ex partner and I went through a really bad rocky stage. It was one week before Christmas and I was living far away from friends and family. It was so bad I made myself ill and had a week off work. I was stuck in the house, crying, not eating and not seeing or talking to anyone. It was a horrible week. After two days like that I eventually called my mum and told her. I am so glad I did, she was a massive suuport and helped me see clearly. Through her support my ex and I worked through it (we split 2 years later but it wasn’t related). I am so thankful I turned to my mum, I couldn’t imagine going through that alone. I didn’t tell anyone else about it, colleagues just thought I was off work due to sickness. However, my mum doesn’t only hear negative parts of my relationships…she hears all the positive and can tell when I am happy and in love. She isn’t afraid to tell me when she thinks I am making a mistake. I really value her advice. If you choose to confide in someone choose carefully 🙂
Post # 19
Oh this is madness surely? There is a difference between having every little detail discussed with all and sundry and constantly bad mouthing your other half to your friends and being able to turn to your friends occasioanlly for advice and support on how to deal with something. If you can’t I genuinely query why you bother having friends.
Surely there is an obvious difference and I would keep it quite general and not go into massive detail, but if you were my friend having a hard time dealing with something and you had to go to a therapist as a first port of call then I would find that incredibly sad.
Post # 20
If the marriage is over, with no chance of reconciliation, that’s one thing. IMO your first loyalty is to your spouse and the relationship.
A big exception is in cases of abuse.
Otherwise, share the intimate details of your marriage problems at your own risk. Close family or friends are likely going to be biased in your favor. They are not objective or hearing the other side of the story, so any advice they give may not only not be helpful, it may be actively harmful or contrary to your best interests.
Of course if you do decide to reconcile you risk having people in your life who will not approve. When that comes out, which it inevitably does, that can put more stress and pressure on the relationship and lead to a spouse having resentment toward the confidant.
Post # 21
I think it depends on the situation and must always be handled with tact. On the one extreme, you don’t want to air your dirty laundry to your friends every time you and your partner have an argument, or else it comes off as you talking crap about your partner and not enjoying the relationship. Then when you and your partner are hanging out with those friends, they will probably treat the partner with resentment.
On the other extreme, you absolutely want to confide in someone if you need help getting out of a toxic relationship or in the event of something that would end the marriage. For example, women who reach out for help can more easily escape abusive relationships, or people dealing with infidenlity sometimes just need to open up to someone. Just make sure it’s someone you trust who won’t go spilling the beans to everyone.
For me, I rarely discuss arguments or issues with outside folks. My husband is a great guy, and we respect each other. I don’t want to make him look like a bad guy by complaining to my bestie or parents when we have a misunderstanding, and I trust he he feels the same way about me. If we have an issue, we work it out with each other and keep stuff off social media or as general gossip.
Post # 22
When I was having marital problems, I confided in one friend who I knew would keep it between us. I needed someone to lean on during that time and she was there to listen and not cast judgement.
I think it’s ok to rely on a friend to talk things through, but the only problem with that is they will obviously side with you. Therapy is great because they are an unbiased person who can look at it objectively
Post # 23
I dont tell anyone in my personal circle if I have problems in my marriage. I made that mistake once and only once. It wasnt a life changing problem, just one that we hadnt conceived being an issue. It wasnt an issue with my husband, it was an issue on how to cope with a major life change that I was going through.
I told a dear friend who I thought I could trust, she wasnt a known gossiper, she was someone who had recently graduated with a Ph.d in Psychology and was going to be entering the field. She blabbed my medical problem all over the internet, and then went behind my back and told my husband before I was ready.
So if I have a problem I come here. Yes I will get many opinions, but none of you will blab to my husband or hold a grudge against him or me.
Post # 24
Don’t bottle it up but a good rule of thumb is to discuss your problems with the person you’re having problems with, not someone else. Trouble starts when you let third parties in on the goings on of your marriage/relationship.
Many millennials and “new age thinkers” here have found an issue with the advice I received from my parents and that I follow to this day but it still stands as a rule that I find to be helpful:
“You don’t have ‘best friends’ once you’re married and you don’t have anything in common with single people.”
Meaning, for those who don’t know or want to take everything literally, you don’t talk shit about your spouse to these people and you don’t allow them information that they should not be privy to. If you think for a second that your best single girlfriend doesn’t look at what you have and see your happiness and want that for herself, or your loose friend from college who isn’t happy in her own marriage wouldn’t take a crack at your man given the chance, go ahead and write her a “how to” book on the problems you’re having and where your man thinks you’re lacking and see what happens.
People say all the time that relationships are about trust, and they are, but throwing the word trust around doesn’t give you an excuse to be ignorant. We see it around us everyday, all the time. Books are written about it, movies made, plot arcs on TV shows but for some reason women think that their best girlfriend that they vent about their relationship to – or for men: that the guy they go to the gym with and have over for sports parties and offhandedly mention what their wife complains about in the bedroom – won’t take their spouse and then get surprised and upset when it does in fact happen to them.
You can trust people explicitly but oversharing is real and you just don’t tell your friends everything that goes on in your life. You might wake up to find that your best friend of twenty years wasn’t really your best friend at all when it came down to what she wants vs your happiness.
Post # 25
I’m my first marriage, I didn’t say anything to anyone until my ex husband had literally left. Which was unfortunate because I could have used some support prior. I don’t mean talking shit and dragging your spouse through the mud, but trusted friends and older mentors can be great sources of wisdom and support. In my new marriage, I am more honest- with myself and with others.
Post # 26
I don’t know what one *should* do, but personally if I need to vent to a friend about my husband its generally to a friend who knows me very well and has also heard lots of the great things I have to say about him too, the great things he does etc…
In general, I’d particularly avoid venting to friends who you frequently enough hang out with as a couple–even if they know they shouldn’t blab, some people are really shit at being discrete. Also keep in mind many people will tell their spouses everything–so even if your friend is discrete, if her husband has no poker face you may want to consider another outlet.
Post # 27
I think talking about what’s going on in one’s relationship is really important. I have a few very close friends who I turn to when I’m not sure what’s going on in my head. Sometimes I just need to rant (“Why, why, oh why does fiancé never take out the trash without me asking him to.”) or to share cute/uplifting things (“Awww, fiancé put a snack pack of sour skittles in my work bag. He knows they’re my favourite.”) But in my last relationship, there was a lot more than that. There was proper ranting and crying on people’s shoulders. Bit by bit, by verbalizing what was going on in the relationship, I understood how toxic it was for me and my self-esteem. It actually helped me break up that I knew my friends knew that things were not going well. This way, my best friend wasn’t surprised when I lived on his couch for a week.
I also think that me being open with close friends protected me from abuse. I later found out that there were very probably some instances of physical abuse in my ex’s previous relationship – his wife was the kind of person who didn’t want to “air dirty laundry”. My friends were always willing to listen to me but didn’t really get involved otherwise. But I am pretty sure that if I’d ever come to them with bruising, they would have been merciless.
Post # 28
thebeekeeper : Your post made me smile. It reminded me of the advice my grand’s gave me…There are only two people in a marriage, no one else can fix a marriage except the two in it. If you are start talking to every pillar and post about your marriage, you will find yourself out of it and someone else in it. My mother, also had some advice that I follow. Dont let anyone get to near your marriage, because if you its a happy one, then someone is going to want what you have.
Two brief stories that illustrate both.
I was in college and my boyfriend and I were openly talking marriage after graduation. We werent necessarily having problems, but I shared with my best friend all the great things about him during our chats. I went away for a summer internship. They “bonded” over missing me, and he got her pregnant.
My now husband and I were planning our wedding. A close friend of mine was going through a divorce, she found out her husband was having an affair the night she went into labor with their second child. Anyways, hubby and I were trying to be a good friends, helping out with the ocassional babysitting of her first child, getting her out of the house on weekends when her kids were with their father. I even invited her to be part of my wedding if she felt up to it. She accepted. Before long she started showing up at our home when she knew I was still at work, to ask my then Fiance for advice on relationships, or how did we get along so well.
Less than a month before we got married, she came over while I was on my way home for work and wanted to speak to my then Fiance. She handed her kids off to my daughter when my daughter answered the door, and then she made her way into our bedroom and made a pass at my soon to be hubby. He picked her up and literally sat her down in the living room, called me and told me what happened. She was still sitting on my sofa when I walked in the door. She begged my forgiveness. She just couldnt help herself she said. She was so lonely and he was such an awesome man and she just didnt think it was fair that I should have such a great Fiance and she was left alone with two kids and no husband. She just wanted to have a little happiness.
Nope!!! Your husband cheated on you so you thought you would try to cheat with my FI? NOPE! Friendship over.
Hubby and I keep our relationship locked down. We learned from experience that you dont really know what the motives of other people are.