(Closed) Is once a cheater really always a cheater? (long)

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
8041 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@UltrasoundTech:  Welcome to the hive!

I’m sorry to hear about your situation. I think that in your shoes I would just blurt all this out to my SO. I’d tell him everything that you’ve told us.

I think you will continue to drive yourself crazy if you don’t have a good conversation w. him.

Nothing indicates to me that he is cheating but obviously I don’t have the whole story. It’s more like he’s stressed out because of money, and he feels his pride has been hit and he’s very irritable and just not communicating with you very well.

The way he’s acting w. his cell phone could be anything… like maybe he’s doing this as a power trip since he knows it worries you and it’s his little way to get revenge since he might think you’re being annoying. Maybe he doesn’t reaize he’s doing it. Maybe he doesn’t want you to see because he’s having arguments or not so nice talks w. clients and/or people he owes money to. I don’t want to get your mind racing, but it could be many other things besides another woman.

As far as the cheating goes, unless you two were carrying on for months while he was still married, I don’t think it fits into the typical cheating pattern. I always think of cheating as pretending everything is ok in one relationship while doing things w. someone outside the relationship. If he was in the middle of leaving/getting divorced, he was checked out of that relationship and hopefully not sleeping w. his ex wife at the time. I am not saying what happened between you two was 100% innocent, but it’s not like you were having an affair and he had no intention of leaving his wife, right?

Post # 4
Member
1070 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Honey, it sounds like you already know the answer to your question.  Trust your gut, leavevthis guy and dont look back.

Post # 5
Member
5984 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2010

@UltrasoundTech:  I dont believe, once a cheater, always a cheater. BUT, there are red flags everywhere in your post. you need to be honest with him and tell him what you have found. forget about looking like the “psycho girlfriend”. he has lied to you and you deserve to know why. in order for your relationship to work you need to be 100% honest with eachother not worry about looking needy or psycho. you have legitamit concerns. good luck to you!

Post # 8
Member
8041 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@UltrasoundTech:  Yeah, I can see how that would be frustrating! I am trying to be as objective as possible here… like I can see both sides, but I don’t get why he won’t just let you see his phone etc. My ex did this to me, and while I don’t think he was cheating on me (I had no proof anyway), he wasn’t exactly being nice either. He liked me to be on edge. That isn’t a healthy relationship.

I am not sure what to suggest really.. like on one hand, if the trust is gone, what’s left? But then again, if he’s simply very stressed and you’re making the situation worse for him, then maybe your relationship is salvagable. I know everyone suggests this, but could you two go to counseling?

I think one way or another he needs a kick in the butt to realize that this is a serious problem.. you two need to communicate better.. he needs to be nicer etc.

Post # 9
Member
461 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@UltrasoundTech:  I’m just going to address the phone issue as I feel like that is the only one I have any experience in.

When I was dating a guy a few years back, he always hid his phone from me and would never let me see who was texting. I wasn’t really curious either, mostly because by the time I even noticed it, it was because I was flirting with a guy I had met at my university.

But then he noticed that I was hiding my phone from him, flipped out. He was so upset, and I knew I had crossed a line and absolutely did not want him to see what I was saying to this guy, because I WAS flirting, and it definitely wasn’t all innocent.

My SO now doesn’t care if I look at his phone, and I don’t care if he looks at mine. We can both log into each other’s facebooks, amazon accounts (he’s got amazon prime so free shipping on some stuff), school accounts etc. I feel like privacy is a nice thing, but if it is NEEDED then there is a problem or something is being hidden.

Post # 10
Member
407 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I hate to say this, but from experience I’d say a cheater is always a cheater. 🙁 However, I know this isn’t true for every person/situation. My best advice is to trust your gut. Good luck.

Post # 12
Member
94 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

Hi @UltrasoundTech – sorry you’re having a tough time 🙁

I don’t believe that once a cheater always a cheater – I’m in a very happy relationship in which infidelity was an issue early on. Having said that, a few things in your post made me want to respond. 

I don’t know your SO or your relationship, and I have no idea whether he is cheating on you or not, but it seems clear that there is something amiss, even if it’s just that he is under a lot of stress. I suggest that you need to sit down and talk about what’s been happening – you feeling that he’s withdrawn from you, that you’re fighting a lot, that you no longer feel like a priority, and so on. I wouldn’t start with :are you cheating on me?” because that will immediately start a fight. Rather, I’d try to talk through these issues at a time when you’re both calm and free. Before you do that, though, I’d say you should consider carefully whether the relationship is what you want, cheating or not: you mention that you feel you’re settling. I think if you feel like that now it’s probably not going to get much better…

A cheater isn’t always a cheater, but if he has been unfaithful it’s a LONG way to come back. It’s very, very hard and the hardest part is that you both have to want it. If he’s not cheating, it’s possible that he is simply unhappy. The problem is, cheating isn’t the only reason that a relationship might end. Try to find out what is bothering him, and work from there. I’m here if you want to PM me at any stage, and good luck!

Post # 13
Member
2050 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I’d have to say it really depends on the person and the person who they are with to determine if “one a cheater, always a cheater”.  The thing is, I believe mistakes can be made, but people should be given a second chance.  IF and only if, the other person is willing to accept it and move forward instead of living in the past.

My ex-husband would never let me look through his phone/computer/emails/facebook.  At the beginning of the relationship, it wasn’t a big deal and I was more than willing to let him look through any of my stuff but he was really big on “privacy”.  As our marriage started to fall apart, I snooped through his facebook and his cell phone and found out not only was he having “lunches” with a girl and was planning to meet up and have coffee with her too, but he was sending facebook messages to over 10 people asking if anyone needed a place to stay cause he was planning to “kick me out” and needed someone to help with bills.

I left shortly after finding all of that after confronting him about it.

Now, my current Fiance will happily hand me his phone and let me log on his facebook, and I will let him do the same.  Neither of us have anything to hide.  And take into account, not once have I asked to look in his phone or him in mine.  It is because we trust each other enough that we don’t have to.

Post # 14
Member
290 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I hav eto say from personal experience, hiding the phone….i have done that before and it was because i WAS  flirting with someone else (this was years ago)  but if he’s hiding the phone, what does he have to hide?  From my experience also through experience of watching people around me as well  it’s bad news to hide phone from SO .

Post # 15
Member
989 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Some people say “If he’ll cheat with you, he’ll cheat on you.”  Obviously cliches are never true 100% of the time so it doesn’t always happen.  But I bet it does in a lot of cases (e.g., it happened to the woman my XH cheated with).  It’s kind of like diet cheats.  You rationalize it once and it gets a little easier every time after – and you have to work harder to resist temptation.

Anyway, that’s not really the point here.  You have enough information independent of your relationship’s origin to know that he’s up to no good.  The lying is the biggest red flag of all, though locking his phone and computer aren’t far behind.  He’s being deceitful about some pretty major issues.  Run away!

Post # 16
Member
420 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

I don’t believe in the stigma of “Once a cheater, always a cheater,” but I always raise my eyebrows when I hear of someone hiding their phone, especially if he didn’t care before.  

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