Post # 1
I am a regular BEE around here, and only went under this name b/c I dont want to mess up any friendships beyond the point that they are already at.
Okay. So I’m always the friend that people come to with ALL their problems, vents, and issues. I’m always the friend that bends over backwards, and puts peoples feelings before her own true feelings. I’m the friend that will bite her tongue, smile and nod if I feel what I have to say is too harsh or painful truth. Due to planning a wedding with a 500 person guestlist, being the way I am has ALL gotten REALLY old REALLY fast. I think I just want to get things off my chest and vent here.
So. I have two maid of honors, one is local and one is 8 hours away. They are two girls that I consider the closest to me. The one far away has been really supportive and knows how to get me to laugh no matter how bummed I am, but unfortunately she can only do so much due to distance. The one that is local was my confidante, I could go to her with anything and we’d always be able to work out any situation. But the closer the wedding date gets, the further our friendship seems to be drifting apart. Just last week she told me on Monday that she and her recently engaged (like 2 weeks) Fi would be getting married on that Saturday. Yes, my BEST friend gave me 5 days notice of her wedding. It was going to be a really small close knit backyard affair. Okay…my feelings were very hurt that she gave me such short notice but regardless FH and I had cancelled our previous plans with some other friends for that weekend to make sure we could be in attendance! So the night before the wedding my best friend tells me that it didnt seem like there would be enough space for me AND FH, but that they would be having a bigger wedding next year and FH would definitely be invited to that. Now, as angry as this made me I would’ve been able to look past this if not for two reasons. 1. FH and I have been sharing 1 car for the past 8 months and she is well aware of this. 2. FH had to rearrange his plans to be at this wedding that he now isnt invited to. I explained to her that it would be near impossible for me not to bring FH and that I would HATE to leave him home by himself, without a carf on a holiday weekend when he planned on spending time with friends. She said she understood but this was HER wedding and I should understand. I felt like BFF was being extremely selfish and not understanding of our situation, and when she made it very clear that she wasnt willing to work around my issue, I decided not to go and let her know I would also be at the one next year and would be there to help her plan every step of the way. When I made this decision I KNEW it would have an effect on our friendship because she felt that I should’ve done whatever it took to be there and I felt if she really wanted me there she would’ve been more understanding. I offered not to eat or sit since it was in a backyard and we could just stand and watch, but she refused this as well.
I’m sure alot of people will think I was wrong but at that time and now I feel like I did what was best for me and my Fiance. She has done things in the past, where I would end up satisfying her just to have a pissed off Fiance and I couldnt stand to do that again. I called her the evening of her wedding and first thing Tuesday morning, no answer. Sent her an email and invited her over for dinner, a short response with no address to the dinner invite. I called her twice this past weekend and no call back or texts or anything. I dont know what to do at this point because at the end of the day she is supposed to be the woman that stands next to me on my wedding day but right now things just feel really rocky. I made a choice and I was ready for the possible repurcussions but now I just dont know what to do next.
Any advice or suggestions?
Post # 3
Honestly, I would have done exactly what you did. I think you’ve been very reasonable with this whole situation. You have your own wedding planning and to have her wedding come in within 5 days and NOT have your Fiance be invited, that’s just rude.
It sounds to me like she’s being selfish and if she’s going to act this way, then consider it her loss. Maybe she’ll come around, maybe she won’t, but I don’t think you should feel bad.
Post # 4
Let it rest for a little while. She just got married and you should give her some space to be ecstatic about that. You’re not going was probably a bigger deal to you than it was to her. Was there an underlying cause to their extremely short engagement and then nuptials? Maybe she’s dealing with bigger fish to fry right now.
Post # 5
Honey, I’m sure you know as well as I do about how much we tell brides that it’s THEIR day and not their friends. We do this all day every day.
I do agree that you totally gave a perfect consession of not eating and maybe she has another reason, that she wanted this to be truly intimate with the people that she LOVES and maybe she just likes your FH. I don’t think it’s a friendship ender, I don’t. I thnk you need to breathe and realizes how much damn change she’s gone through in the last week and just try to be understanding. I would wait and let her contact you, and then just let her talk. I think she does also have a right to be sad. SAD, not pissed. And I think you also have a right to say ‘I would totally understand but I just didn’t feel comfortable not attending with my FH, even when we offered to not eat. I mean, you’re in our WEDDING, you know how serious this person is to me. Can you explain why you didn’t want him there?’ and be okay with her answer if it’s legit.
That still sucks though and I am really sorry you’re going through this. 🙁
Post # 6
Just gonna throw this out there…if they were only engaged for two weeks, then maybe they honestly decided to have it that week and told you as soon as they could…people do that all of the time. That doesn’t seem so bad to me, maybe I’m missing something but it doesn’t sound like some elaborate affair they’d planned for months…it sounds pretty last minute.
I’m sorry you’re hurt, but I think you need to step back for a second and consider what @WillyNilly: said. It IS her wedding, and her decision about who she wants to invite. It sounds like a very intimate affair and maybe she just doesn’t feel that closeness with your Fiance. She does have the right to feel that way. You don’t have to like it, but honestly…I would have gone anyway. If she is really your BFF you should have been there. If you’re this hurt over her not inviting you until the last minute, think about how hurt she probably feels that you didn’t go.
Also, of course she didn’t call you back the night of her wedding. Come on now.
Post # 7
Yeah you guys have a really valid point! I dont think the issue was her not wanting my fiancee there because she was there with me the day I met him 7 years ago, and we’ve all grown to be really close friends. She and my Fiance have a really good friendship as well. And she did make it clear that it wasnt that she didnt want him there, that it was a space issue.
Post # 8
I completely understand why you feel upset about her excluding your Fiance and then not returning your calls. A few things —
First, I don’t understand why you’re hurt she only gave you five days notice – it doesn’t sound like anyone else had much more notice, including the bride and groom!
Second, I agree with PP about it not being a friendship ender. It was really crappy of her to do that, I completely agree. But give it some space, and hopefully you two can figure out what was really going on.
Post # 9
@LonelyBride2012: Well then…? It’s not a friendship ender. And think about HOW FRICKING CRAZY everything was. Can you imagine being her, planning a wedding in 5 days and suddenly your Boyfriend or Best Friend isn’t coming? Awwwww. You’re not totally in the wrong, I think you might have just asked The Bee a little late, that’s all. Everything will work out. 🙂
Post # 10
So there are two separate issues here. First is the timing and I really don’t think you should be upset about this. It sounds like things went really fast and they invited you as soon as possible, that just happened to be 5 days notice.
Second is the whole not inviting your fiance which I don’t agree with. I can understand your not going since he couldn’t come. That being said. It is now done. I would not have told a best friend she couldn’t bring a fiance. And I wouldn’t have missed my best friend’s wedding because I couldn’t bring my fiance. But that’s what you guys did and both those things are okay. Now you and she just need to get over it. And it sounds like you’re being supportive of the big party they’re going to have in a year, which is a great thing. But give her some time and space. I think she’ll come around. You just need to be there and have forgiven her any hard feelings when she comes around.
Post # 11
I had the same thing happen to me (I was your Fiance in the situation). My FI’s best firend got married, invited me and Fiance, and then disinvited me over space issues. It was a big blow and my Fiance was SUPER mad (just as you are now). But we all got over it. I realize now that it isn’t because our friend didn’t love or like me, it was because he was in a jam and he knew that our friendship was bigger than that.
I hope yours has the same happy ending.
Post # 12
@ohmybears48: “he knew that our friendship was bigger than that.” EXACTLY.
Post # 13
Hmmm.. a sticky situation! I’ve been putting myself in all the “shoes” and no matter where I stand, I don’t think it’s cool to invite someone without their Fiance. Especially when the inviter is not only invited to that couples wedding, but it a MoH.
Also, I don’t know this MoH of course, but I can’t help but wonder, if you invited her, but didn’t invite her Fiance, would she have been ok with it? Something tells me not. ~_~
At the end of the day, I sure hope you can salvage your friendship, but if you can’t, then maybe the friendship was not as solid to begin with! And maybe they reason she got married in a whirl wind was because she’s been feeling jelous helping you plan yours? Or maybe she’s preggo? who knows! Give her some time, and hopefully when she finally starts talking to you, guy guys will be alright.