is porn a deal breaker? [poll]

posted 2 years ago in Christian
  • poll: Is porn a deal breaker?
    Yes : (76 votes)
    25 %
    No : (184 votes)
    62 %
    It depends - will explain in comments : (39 votes)
    13 %
  • Post # 46
    Member
    39 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: February 2016

    TeresaBenedicta :  that quote did sound a bit harsh, I can see that. Im 36 and I’ve seen and experienced a lot of colorful things in my years. no boundaries. I am not a Christian but I am married to a very large family of Greek Orthodox Lebanese traditions. They too, do not know quite wht to think of me 😛 

    Post # 47
    Member
    607 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2017

    As far as porn being a deal breaker for me…no. However, I would not be okay with my SO watching it on a daily basis. An hour a day sounds more like an addiction. 

    Post # 48
    Member
    117 posts
    Blushing bee

    MrsBuesleBee :  5mins??? That’s lame maybe he likes to have some fun in the process besides he really doesn’t know what he is doing… He has had NONE, zero cero nada.  But every day? That’s a problem! I really hope he doesn’t own any stuffed animals.  

    Post # 49
    Member
    8 posts
    Newbee

    I think aside from the moral and emotional side of it, as others have touched upon, men who excessively use porn and little other sexual experience can’t necessarily manage to have a healthy sex life even if they give up the porn. I have some personal experience of this (it’s rife these days) as my first two relationships were with men who had some level of excessive porn/masturbation habit when we met but little sexual experience relative to their age. Both managed to give up the porn when we were together but our sex life was still lacking:

    From personal experience and from reading around on the topic I’ve found men in this category (I’ll call it the ‘triad’ of excessive porn use, excessive masturbation and lack of sexual experience) tend to have several of following issues:

    – a. They can have very unrealistic expectations of women and sex to the point they can struggle to get aroused in a normal sexual setting and suffer from erectile dysfunction without porn use (even in young men). This can damage a womens confidence and also put them under pressure to do things they feel uncomfortable with.

    b. May be unable to reach orgasm by any means other than (often quite rough) masturbation on themselves due to a combination of conditioning and loss of sensitivity. This may be particularly concerning if your boyfriend is taking an hour over it. Even their partner may not be able to help them with this as they sometimes need complete control over it (again due to conditioning).

    c. May actively prefer and prioritise masturbation over sexual activity with a partner.

    d. May focus entirely on their own enjoyment because they find it too distracting if they try to focus on their partners pleasure at any point.

    e. May ultimately try to deflect their own insecurities about their sexual failings by blaming their partner either directly or implicitly.

    All these issues can in theory be worked on but it can be very difficult and take years to work out; it’s also something the male partner really has to want to change.  Both my exes managed to kick the porn habit but it didn’t fix their sexual issues.

    My partner now is not and has never been particularly into porn and the difference in both attitude and sexual performance is like night and day. Even if I wasn’t in this relationship theres no way (personally) I’d get into another relationship with someone with this ‘triad’ of issues. Although be aware that he may well not be the last man like this you encounter even if you get out of the relationship; it’s becoming a very common problem these days.

    Post # 50
    Member
    129 posts
    Blushing bee

    Since you and your fiance are Christians. Perhaps you would find the following podcasts from ‘Catholic Answers: in Focus’ about Pornography and Addiction useful: 

    https://www.catholic.com/audio/caf

     

     

    Post # 51
    Member
    1593 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: April 2017

    MrsBuesleBee :  If I was waiting until marriage I’d probably need an hour of relief every now and then. Every day though? I can’t believe it hasn’t fallen off. 

    Post # 52
    Member
    3050 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 2016

    Porn is a dealbreaker for me and not due to religious reasons. I wouldn’t say I hold negative views to people that would disagree or have relationships that include porn but, simply, that it’s just not what I wanted in a relationship of my own. Basically it’s a “you do you”. That said, I wouldn’t want to control an aspect of someone’s sexual preferences so taking the time to find a partner with similar views was naturally my choice.

    Frequency may be a valid angle to look at it as those in support of porn in a relationship point out. Ultimately, only you can decide what you feel is healthy for your relationship and decide based on that whether this one is conducive to that. Likewise, he will need to examine the same.

    Post # 53
    Member
    343 posts
    Helper bee

    misskate18 :  no, you wouldn’t “need an hour of relief.” You do not have sexual needs, full stop. Sex is always a want, never a need. Please stop perpetuating these damaging myths. 

    Post # 54
    Member
    2514 posts
    Sugar bee

    What you are describing would be a dealbreaker for me, yes. I dated a man with a porn addiction. When he first told me I thought it wasn’t a huge deal, because I didn’t have negative associations with porn before then, I sometimes watched porn, etc. But, along with other issues in our relationship, it did become a dealbreaker. For one thing, he was disengaged and selfish when we had sex, and he was rarely able to orgasm during sex. He had become incredibly reliant on porn, which is common in men who watch a lot of porn. Even if they don’t have issues orgasming, they are often full of unrealistic stereotypes and ideas about what sex will be like — and I can only imagine that that will be worse since your guy has never had actual sex. There are a lot of studies that show that porn rewires the brain’s pleasure centers, and that if you train yourself to get off to a screen it’s much harder to get off with another human. If I were single, I’d consider dating someone who watched porn occassionally, but NOT someone who watched porn every day or even regularly if I could help it. I have to say, my SO is the only guy I’ve dated who doens’t watch porn (he used to but realized that it effected his ability to enjoy real sex and stopped years ago) and this is by far the best, most connected, least selfish sex I’ve had… so I’m firm believer in the no porn camp now. 

    Post # 55
    Hostess
    3893 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: December 2016

    Reason #394958489394945 to just freaking have sex in a commited relationship… 

    Post # 56
    Member
    110 posts
    Blushing bee

    Generally no; my boyfriend utilizes porn regularly as well. But an HOUR? That’s a lot of time out of his life going to it.. I agree that more communication would likely help!

    Post # 57
    Member
    343 posts
    Helper bee

    desertgypsy :  yes, a man’s inabiltiy to discipline himself in line with a shared commitment to a religious conviction about premarital sex is totally a reason to just go ahead and have sex with him. cuz if he’s not getting some from you he will use porn, right? he cant help it right?  so gross.   

    Post # 59
    Member
    701 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2017

    misskate18 :  “I can’t believe it hasn’t fallen off” lol

    I laughed harder than I should have at this. Scared the cat. 

    The reality is the majority of guys watch porn: as long it doesn’t negatively influence your relationship or take control of your life (addiction) then I, personally, do not see a problem with it. Just my personal experience, and I cannot speak for everyone…so don’t come for me….

    I think guys should be upfront and honest about it, and understand that it’s not real: those are fake characters acting for adult entertainment. I worry about guys who’s only exposure to sex thus far has been porn…because who knows what they think actual sex is like….

    I can see how being deeply religious, this might be a deal breaker. 

    Post # 60
    Member
    1312 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: City, State

    i divorced a porn addict. NEVER AGAIN. 

     

    BUT thats not to say I dont enjoy it from time to time so i expect he does as well. Just as long as it doesnt interrupt, disrupt, or replace me/our sex life any way shape or form.

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