Is Religion a Deal-Breaker?

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 106
4254 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I also just read your other post.  Girl, you know the answer here.  You came back here 2 months later with the same concerns and the same doubts.  It’s not going to magically work out.  In fact, marriage actually highlights the issues in relationships.  Marriage can be really difficult sometimes even for the most healthy of relationships.

Post # 107
336 posts
Helper bee

When I was online dating I filtered out people who were strongly religious. Even tho I went to church when I was younger and was baptised as a Catholic, I don’t care to have religion in my life. My fiance was raised Buddhist but doesn’t attend temple. However, we will have a traditional Cambodian ceremony for cultural reasons. 

When I raise my kids I will allow them to learn about all types of religions to see what they align most closely with. My fiance feels the same. 

Post # 108
1780 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

As has been said by PPs, religion can definitely be a deal breaker. I’ve dated men of other faith’s, in fact Fi is only the second guy I’ve dated that shares my faith. 

Religion colors so much of how you view and interact with the world and even your worldview. Honestly, it just easier to date someone who shares your beliefs and when kids are added into the mix, that would make things more challenging. 

I’d break this off, there’s plenty of fish in the sea and you can find a man who shares your perspective or at least is open to compromise on raising any possible children.

Post # 109
11457 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

DeniseSecunda :  True. It tells you that my entire world view is predicated on the fact that I believe that the Bible, though written by human hands, was divinely inspired and provides the fixed point of reference and filter through which I view and interpret all other things. (My apologies for the enormous font below, but I am copying and pasting on my phone and cannot seem to fix that.)

<h1 class=”passage-display” style=”font-size: 18px; margin-top: 20px; margin-bottom: 10px; font-weight: 500; line-height: 1.1; font-family: ‘Helvetica Neue’, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif;”>2 Timothy 3:16-17New International Version (NIV)</h1>

16 All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, 17 so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.

As for issues involving translations, some are closer to the original text than others, so there are some versions that I prefer. I also have a comprehensive concordance in which I am able to look up words in the original text. And my husband has an M.Div., so I sometimes ask him about certain passages, since he has studied the Scriptures much more than I have.

Post # 110
7910 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

YOu might be compatible on some things, but the religion issue seems like too big a chasm in this case. Besides the way he wants to raise the children, it sounds like he wants to return to his faith and also wants you to come along for the ride. That is a huge red flag. His lack of compromise and respect for your beliefs is the other piece that worries me. 

Darling Husband is Catholic, and I am non-religious. I went through a very worried phase in the height of our dating stage because I thought he would realize the importance of his faith and decide he didn’t want to continue our relationship. I knew there were special criteria for Catholics in regards to marriage and childrearing, especially if the partner was not Christian.  I was so sad that that could be the dealbreaker, but I knew we’d both be better off if he really felt that way.

Fortunately, Darling Husband is a progressive person and respects my beliefs. Similarly, I support his religious beliefs as well. We were married by a Protestant pastor in a non-church setting. Our kid will make her own decision on faith (i. e. no baby baptism), which was actually DH’s idea as he’s also a child of interfaith marriage (Protestant mom, Catholic dad). 

Post # 111
1741 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

anon2bornot2b :  Big dealbreaker. Religion affects the way you think, the way you live, the way you spend money, the way you raise your children. It defines nearly everything about me. I need somebody on the same page as me, not somebody that would constantly undermine what I believe in. The Bible says “How can two walk together, if they’re not in agreement?”

If my husband did not share my faith, we would not be together. Period and full stop.

Post # 112
461 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Well my mom is a strict catholic and if I believed she would feel like a failure (to god) if I’m about to change my faith (not that I want to). But that doesn’t make her bad parents, she still awesome and will love us no matter what, will go beyond anything for us. So I don’t think your Fiance thoughts are on the wrong side. He is entitled to have his believed, eventhough he feels like his faith are the only “right” one. As long as he tolerate others, I think it’s fine.

Anyway I grew up to be pretty open minded. While I like my faith, I don’t think that everything it’s taught are right. I learn it by myself as I grew up and I choose myself which part I want to believe. And my mom is okay with it, but she will still sad if I’m not going to church for example, and that’s fine.

So what I’m trying to say is I’m not sure if it’s a deal breaker if you both can compromise and see how will he react if his kids want to convert. As long as he doesn’t force his believe, I think it’s ok. But do what your heart tells.

Good luck bee!!

Post # 113
633 posts
Busy bee

I admire you for respecting his beliefs. It doesn’t sound like you’re trying to make him believe anything he doesn’t, and you accept him for him, with no insults toward his beliefs. That said, religion is non-negotiable in my opinion. It doesn’t sound like either of you are willing to bend, so perhaps it’s best to go your separate ways to avoid conflicts of fights in the future. If he believes that Jesus is THE Way, trust me, he’s not going to want his kids going astray because he will feel it’s for their own good. Not to say he will pressure them because, like you, he seems to know that faith is a personal journey. But he will want what’s best for his children, and that includes keeping them safe spiritually. You two disagree on what that means, so yeah…I can’t see it working. 

Post # 114
4568 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

My Mum was a Presbyterian Sunday School teacher when she was younger, and my Dad was (and still is,) athiest.

It never caused any issues for our family, as their morals and ethics were totally in line with the exception of religious beliefs. Us kids went to church and Sunday school, but were given the option of opting out from about 12. Dad had no problem with this.


Post # 115
2398 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

My religious beliefs are fundamental to who I am & how I view the world. As with most people with strongly held beliefs, I raised my children to definitely know my Christian faith. (Private catholic school, even). I would not marry a nonChristian. I’m almost surprised this isn’t a dealbreaker for your fiance’.

Post # 117
3062 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

Yes, it’s a dealbreaker for me. 

Post # 118
1372 posts
Bumble bee

jannigirl :  Do your particular religious beliefs maintain that compassion is the highest virtue? 

Post # 119
11457 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

Although I would never advocate for two people who are unequally yoked in matters of faith to get married, and I think the OP is clearly expressing doubts about moving forward, I think some of you are unfairly vilifying the OP’s SO. 

The world is filled with people of different faiths (as well as those who are agnostics and athiests.) Many, if not most, of those who sincerely practice a faith are not also teaching their children that all faiths are equally true. Many people are sending their children to receive private, faith-based education or instruction, either instead of or in additon to public schooling. The instruction they receive there is not likely to be telling them that all faiths are equally true.

The OP has made clear that her Fiance does not intend to shelter his potential future children from the fact that other religions exist. Of course they will learn about that. What she has indicated he is saying is that he wants to raise them in his faith, which happens to be mutually exclusive with other faiths.

If one subscribes to Biblically based Christian doctrine, the chief foundational truth of that faith, from Genesis to Revelation, is that all of humankind became separated from God through sin. That when one person sinned, all became guilty of sin. And that God sent his only begotten Son to die on a cross and to shed His blood as an atoning sacrifice in our place. That salvation and redemption and reconciliation to God are available only through belief in and confession of that truth. In Christianity, if there is any other way for humanity to be saved, God would not have had to come to earth and die in our place. That baby, that man, that cross, and that blood is, according to Biblical Christianity, THE ONLY way for humans to be forgiven and reconciled to God.

The OP’s Fiance is not being narrow minded, uncompassionate, awful, bigoted, terrible or unfair. He, like many other people of many other faiths, is simply trying to adhere to the tenets of his faith. One of those tenets is that he must bring up his children according to his faith. People of different faiths from all over the world do this every day. They still manage to be compassionate and caring toward others who believe differently than they do as they interact with them in a pluralistic society. But that does not mean that they must or should allow that pluralism to infiltrate their faith. Sadly, so many people today are allowing this, and their alleged adherence to their faith is far from the truth of that faith.

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