Is Religion a Deal-Breaker?

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 121
10028 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

Brielle :   I disagree with the comment above that you are “peddling religious nonsense,” and find that comment to be exceptionally rude and intolerant.   (Which says more about her than about your comment.)

I love your last post, wonderful!  It’s honest and compassionate, the way I believe you really are in person.

Post # 122
1124 posts
Bumble bee

His stubborness and how narrow-minded he is being would be a problem for me, and most likely a dealbreaker.

I attend church and plan to take our children, whereas my Darling Husband does not attend and is athiest. He is ok with me taking our future children to church, provided I respect their desires and do not try to force religion upon them. I realise we are lucky to have been able to make this decision so easily.

However I fully intend on allowing my children to explore other religions and would not object if they chose to go down a different path to me. It isn’t good that your FI is already trying to control the belief system of your children, which in my opinion is an impossible feat – you simply cannot make someone believe something if they don’t, it is down to them and their own experience. He needs to realise this and get used to it now. Worse still – the harder you push young people to do something, often the further away they run from that thing. 

Post # 123
11457 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

Sunfire :  Thank you so much for your kind words. I certainly do try to be both of those things. 

Post # 124
448 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

DeniseSecunda :  Wow that was very rude of you.   I don’t see BRIELLE as peddling religious nonsense, she is simply clarifying the mindset of OP Fiance.  She’s not saying everyone needs to believe this, she is saying hey OP this is where your Fiance is coming from, this is essentially the core of it all.  I think she did this in a very clear and unbiased way.

Post # 128
1080 posts
Bumble bee

anon2bornot2b :  It’s not a personal failing on your part!!! Belief and faith is very personal. Don’t think of it as “your fault” you two don’t share the same point of view.

Post # 129
10028 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

anon2bornot2b :   If it is any help to you at all, in my marriage my husband shares a viewpoint, spiritually, to how you believe (nature as creator).  I personally believe along the lines of Brielle’s belief (Christian). 

My husband and I make our marriage work beautifully by treating each other with kindness, tolerance, compassion and respect.  I respect his deeply held personal beliefs and he respects mine.  Neither of us forces the other to change our beliefs although we have many discussions about spirituality and remain open-minded as to how the other person feels.  There is no harsh, cut & dried right/wrong /judging in our discussions.  We listen to each other because we care about each other and love each other. 

I hope, for your sake, you find the most healthy solution that makes the most sense for your life, whatever that is.

Post # 130
4839 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

anon2bornot2b :  Coming back to this thread to say that you are not, in any way, failing.  You and your Fiance have different beliefs – and that is something that runs deep in the soul no matter what those beliefs are.

Your attitude towards each other’s beliefs varies – you accept his and try to understand, and he want to “lead” you to something other than what you do believe.   

That’s the part that keeps bugging me – but I am somewhat allergic to any signs that point towards control freak.  Wishing you all the best – I admire your attitude and your inner strength.  

Post # 131
7850 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

It’s just a really hard situation all around. I agree with pp that I don’t think your Fiance is a bad person or anything – but part of being a devout Christian is wanting to bring others “to the light” as it were. I think a relationship like this can work – I actually know of one or two couples like this IRL that have been married for decades. In one case, the husband is a devout Orthodox Christian who goes to church every week and is super involved in the church community, and his wife is a secular Jew who never goes with him. Somehow they’ve made it work and are very happy together. I am not sure how they raised their kids though.

But in order for it to work your Fiance would have to relinquish control and fully accept that you will likely never “see the light.” He has to come to peace with that. He can privately hope that you’ll one day have a religious awakening and become a faithful Christian again, but he needs to accept that he can’t make that happen himself and that it very well may never happen. It sounds like right now, he is not able to accept that – which is his right. It’s just too bad he didn’t make all of this clear to you well before it got to the point of engagement…that’s the part I find strangest. Almost like the act of getting engaged made him decide to recommit to Catholicism or something.

Post # 135
1402 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

anon2bornot2b :  It’s sad have to end a loving relationship, but unfortunately religious beliefs is one of those big issues that make or break a lot of couples. It’s best you’re realizing this difference sooner rather than later, especially with raising kids.

I wish you the best of luck in everything! Stay strong! Keep us updated on how you’re doing ♥️

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