Is Religion a Deal-Breaker? (final) Part III

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
95 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

Wow, I’m so sorry to hear all of this. It sounds like you did what you knew was right in your heart. I’m sure you’re still in a state of shock, and that’s why you’re thinking of all the practical things right now. Do the best you can. If I were you, I would personally chalk up the money as a gift/loss and move on, just to make things easier if you can. You will start to feel the emotional pain soon, and I hope that you remember you did the right thing for you! Hugs. 

Post # 3
181 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

anon2bornot2b :  So first, huge props to you for finally owning your feelings and sticking up for your own beliefs even though you knew it might end your relationship. So many people don’t have the self awareness or strength to do that…and I think it’s awesome that you did. 

Hugs to you. You will need time for true acceptance and sorting this situation out and I don’t have any words to make that better. But I really do think it’s best that you both acknowledged these impassable issues now. 

You WILL absolutely find someone who is right for you in EVERY way. Good luck and take time for your own self care during this time of change. 

Post # 4
1255 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

I’m glad to see this update from you. I think what you did took a lot of guts and soul-searching, but ultimately it sounds like you did the right thing.

As far as the nitty gritty of breaking up, to me it sounds fair that you should split costs of wedding deposits/engagement ring/engagement present so that you both walk away having lost/gained the same amount.

I hope this all works out for you, bee!

Post # 5
692 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

anon2bornot2b :  You keep your ring, he keeps his guitar, and he pays you back half of the deposits.

What a shock but also a relief that you were finally able to get out what you were feeling. Also that you didn’t marry the “wrong” person and that you had clarity in your situation before you were married and had children. I’m sorry you’re in this position but it will get easier and you will find the right person for you. 

Post # 6
2493 posts
Buzzing bee

It makes sense that you will now go quite cold and starting thinking only in practical terms. This is a natural response to great emotional pain – it’s self-numbing, and it’s the only way to get through things like this intact and able to function. 

I hate to say I am “happy” to hear this update – sense you are obviously going to be in a lot of pain over it, but I truly do think you’ve made the right decision. A very very good decision for future you. Very few people have the strength to take on present pain and turmoil to increase their chances of future happiness. Those that do display great trust in their own resources and faith in the future, two things that almost assuredly will bring better things into their lives.

I will add that I’m annoyed your Fiance (now Ex-FI?) is painting YOU to be the bad guy here when HE is the one who pulled a 180 out of no where. He seems to have been living in a fantasy land during your honeymoon phase, projecting what he WANTED you to be over the person you actually WERE, so that now his actual memories are incorrect.

I’m annoyed by it, but honestly, it seems very in character for him from what I’ve read of your other posts. 

Move forward as quickly as you can, don’t let him blame you or play the victim card, and get back out into the dating world. The more you can look toward the future, the less painful this will all be. 

As for how to split things, I would give back the ring entirely and ask him to split the lost deposits with you, since he’s the one who changed. He may reply that YOU are the one who’s called off the engagement so you should lose the money. In which case, I wouldn’t argue.

Post # 7
1408 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

hopefulfuturemrs :  that’s a good split I think.

Sorry bee. I know it’s gotta be so hard & just numbing right now but it sounds like you did the right thing.

Post # 8
6446 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

OP, as you already know, you did the right thing. He is the one who changed and somehow expected you to change, too. Being true to yourself and your beliefs is worth more than any relationship, and the differences between you would have only grown over time, building more and more anger. 

I agree with others as for the nitty gritty of dividing things. You keep the ring, he keeps the guitar, you split eating the cost of deposits. I agree about moving quickly with things. The pain is easier to endure, IMO, when it is as close to all at once as possible and not dragged out indefinitely.

Post # 9
5049 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

I just wanted to say that my heart is with you.  You made a very, very difficult decision but it was the right decision.  It took a lot of courage for you to face the truth, to remain true to yourself while not anticipating your SO to change or expecting him to compromise his beliefs.  What you did was an act of mature selfless love and I hope in time, once the shock subsides he will greatly appreciate what you have done for the both of you.

Post # 10
2923 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

anon2bornot2b :  Bee, as painful as it was, it’s good that everything is really finally out in the open.  It sounded like the previous counseling sessions didn’t touch the root of the problem.

In my state, you have to give back the engagement ring, and if you have him something, he would have to give it back to you.  When I broke off my engagement, I gave the ring back to my ex.  No questions asked.  I didn’t even want to keep it; I let him deal with it (and he subsequently gave it to his then girlfriend, but that’s a whole other story).  Thinking of things analytically those first few days after the breakup were very surreal, but they had to get done.  I’m more of a rip the band aid off type of person, so it was easier to handle things very coldly.

Take things one day at a time.  Realize that someone that truly loves you will never pull a 180 like this and expect you to change.

Post # 11
2228 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

Oh man. I’m so sorry. But you’re doing the right thing. I guarantee that in 5 years (or 3 or 1), you’ll look back and thank your past self for having the courage to do what was horribly painful but ultimately the best thing for both of you. In the meantime, sending strength to you. The only way past it is through it! ❤️

As for the ring, I would keep it, since it’s your money you’ll lose on the deposit and on the guitar. This isn’t one of those situations where you are alone in the wrong, so you owe him everything. 

Post # 12
1064 posts
Bumble bee

I’m sorry.

I’ve been following your posts, and I hoped you two would find a common ground.

I hope one day you are able to look back on this decision, and be proud of yourself. For refusing to live a lie. You tried your hardest, you sought help, but you were up against a person who utterly refused to compromise. In a relationship, and even more so in a marriage, both partners need to be flexible.

I’m sure you both love each other, and as much as you admire him for sticking to his values, a rod that won’t bend is going to break. This break in your relationship was caused by his inflexibility.

It might not be any comfort, but from your posts, you were willing to meet him in the middle and compromise, and he was not. He was a semi-religious man who did an about-face and overnight and decided to proclaim the One True Path to God.

You may never understand why he changed into this new person. You don’t have to understand. Just try and accept that it happened, for whatever reason it happened, he changed.

It sounds like he is now re-writing history and placing the blame on you. That’s become his new truth. It’s not fair, but it seems to be what he believes, that you are the one who changed, when you were upfront from the start about your lack of belief.

Regarding the ring and the guitar, where I live, the engagement ring is a gift to the woman. In the event of a failed engagement, the ring is hers to keep. If you are concerned about fairness, I would consider how much did he spent on the ring, compared to the guitar, and what you spent on the non-refundable deposits.

Post # 13
6167 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

Good for you for gaining the clarity to see what the best option was for you. The fact that your Fiance was waiting for you to change (and therefore would be seeing you as wrong for the duration of your marriage) would have been a very hard thing to live with day to day. The fact that he thought it was okay to see you as wrong (and expect you to change) means he also likely would have been less flexible about parenting than he thinks he would be.

Good luck moving forward. I agree with the PP who said you keep your ring and he keeps his guitar and the two of you split the cost of the deposits equally.

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