- 2 years ago
One more update for you all. FI and I attended our last scheduled counseling session together yesterday (during which I had the most searing migraine of my life, and threw up immediately afterwards – talk about physical outlet of emotional pain).
Our counselor started by asking what it was we were hoping to achieve, since we don’t speak about the religious issue outside of the session. We get on quite well in other realms of life, so it’s very easy to just go on our day-to-day business and not acknowledge a glaring hole in our foundation. We both acknowledged this as a failing on our part to comfortably communicate, and I said I felt it was likely that we both knew it was a big and yucky conversation, since it never ends resolved. The majority of the session went like this, circling back to me not wanting to tell the children there’s only one truth, but being completely fine with raising them Catholic and sending them to CCD. My issue, I suppose, stems from not wanting any future offspring to think differently of someone just because they believe differently. My Fiance says he does not think differently of any other race or religion, but that they are, indeed, wrong. I guess I’m not sure why it bothers me so much that he holds this conviction, other than I think that’s wrong to think folks who don’t believe the same way you do are doomed to hell.
Anyway, right at the end of the session, the counselor pushed me a bit. She kept saying she thought I had more to say. That maybe I wanted to express my bottom line, and maybe that bottom line was that I love my Fiance, but can’t see a future married to him. And I said “Yes. Exactly. All of that.” I feel bad for relying on the counselor to say what I had been trying to garner courage to say, but at least it was said. And after that was out in the open, all these thoughts came flooding out of me. I told my Fiance how deeply I love him, but feel that we will never understand this level of each other, and how we both deserve that. And that I didn’t mean it in a “I’m not worthy” or “He’s not worthy” way, just that we are very, very different. And while love fills so many holes, when it comes to what makes the very core of our being whole, it can’t quite fill that. He was pretty quiet, and said he felt shell-shocked. I told him how much I loved him, and would never want him to change. And he got defensive and said he would never and could never change, and understood I was on my own path to Christ, so he was comfortable waiting there for me. And I said that was exactly the issue. I am not on that path you want and need me to be on, and I can’t be with someone who is anticipating me to change. I said as foreign as it is for you to consider becoming agnostic, is as foreign is it for me to see your Faith the way you do. He said he had to leave so he left the session a few minutes early. I don’t blame him for wanting to clear his head, I still feel a little outside of myself.
Last night, when we were both home (we live together), he was quite angry and asked why “all of a sudden” I’m no longer willing to be a believer. And I said it wasn’t all of a sudden, that I never have, and have always been upfront about not being religious (I even asked him a few weeks into our relationship if it bothered him that I was not religious, since I knew he had gone to Catholic school his whole life. He said not at all, and that he considered himself spiritual if anything). What did come up all of a sudden was the clarity at how far apart we are on all this, which kind of shocked our relationship’s system.
So, we still have to figure out our lease (haven’t even approached that subject yet), and of course, the ring. I’m really not sure what to do about it. I’m inclined to sell it and split the profit with him evenly for the following reasons: the venue deposit and band deposit is in my name/all out of my pocket ($2500), and after our engagement I bought him an engagement gift that was custom and he would not sell or return (a 2k guitar). Thoughts bees? Opinions? I’m not sure if I should just chalk the money up as a loss and give him back the ring. I hate thinking of things so cold like this. Even stranger still feeling so calm about everything, I’m kind of waiting for the shoe to drop. Any opinions welcome.