- 8 years ago
- Wedding: November 2014
I’m at a loss right now. Let me give you the really short background info first. So I have a great guy I’ve been with for over 4 years now. He treats me like a princess. We are completely compatible in every way. And I mean every way. We are perfect for each other and everyone we know agrees. We have a great and frequent sex life and still are infatuated with each other even now after 4 years. We don’t even fight. We discuss things and work them out like adults. EXCEPT…
He has this problem. And I don’t know what to do about it. It was actually about a 2 and a half years ago that I found out he would go onto porn chat sites and speak very explicitly to women about what he would do to them sexually. Many of these were random people at first but then he would carry out personal messaging to specific ones. He would tell them about his life. He would even tell some of them that he had a girlfriend. And he would talk about meeting up with them and doing things together.. He would send them pictures of himself, his body, him doing stuff to himself. I even found a picture he send of me (not a dirty picture but a picture nonetheless). That was my line. I was upset about what I had found but I was 1000 times more upset that he had put my picture out onto a website like that without my knowledge. I work in a job that would fire me if they ever found that (as I’m sure many might). Not to mention so would his job. But I confronted him about it and he was very remorseful. His explanation was that he didn’t know why he felt the need to do this but it gave him a rush knowing someone else out there found him attractive and he never thought of the consequences while he was talking with them. He promised that he’d never do it again, deleted all the information he had on that website and I gave him another chance. I am big on second chances because I truly do think that a person can slip up once without ill harm.
So now it’s about 6-8months later. Everything has been going great. We are more in love than ever. But now he has planted the snooping bug in me. So as much as I hate it occasionally I’ll check his email and facebook messages (less and less so though the more I don’t find anything). I slowly am really start to think that we are over this. And then I find a few emails in his trash folder that he sent to a craigslist personal ad. It basically said he wanted to meet up and have sex – that he had a girlfriend but he was looking for something on the side. Well, when I found that I was done. I forgave once but not again. So I packed up my stuff and left him. I didn’t talk to him for months, despite his incessant tries to. He was a complete mess. He tried to tell me over and over that he lost the best thing to ever happen to him and didn’t think that I’d ever leave him. He told me he really couldn’t help what he did – that he just had this urge to for no good reason and couldn’t stop.
Many months go by and we eventually get back together after he has shown me that we really are perfect for each other. Everything is wonderful. We end up getting engaged August 2009. So for the past year he is amazing and gives me everything. He totally has stuck by me while I’ve been going back to an intense school program for that past year. I was thinking that I am glad I decided to give him another chance because all relationships have their problems but ours only had this one (kinda really big!) problem.
Ok. Last night. I stayed home from work yesterday with a migraine and he basically nursed me back to health. He ran out to store to get me medicine, made me food, rubbed my neck, etc. Like I said, great guy. He works night shift so he was taking a shower getting ready for work and that snooping bug hit me again. And it hit me hard this time. So I checked his text messages on his phone (for the first time since we’ve been engaged). I found a conversation starting Dec 7th with a girl about how much he found her attractive and things he wanted to do to her sexually. There were texts every day after up until Thursday. He had actually texted me to see when I was coming home from work that day and then texted this girl right after saying he wanted her to come warm him up. And they were sending cute pics back and forth. Arg! There was also another conversation from a different person with explicit pictures exchanged.
Again, I confronted him last night and demanded an explanation. He had none other than he really couldn’t control himself. He said he loved me and knows he only wants me. He said he never met with or had the intention to meet with any of these people. It just made him feel good inside to know he was attractive to others and they found him sexually appealing. He begged me not to go because I told him that if I go this time, I’m gone for good. There is no second chance this time. I don’t deserve this. He said he’d go to therapy or seek sex addicts groups or whatever it took to get him to not want to do this anymore. He said he has a problem and that he can’t explain it other than that. He said he loves me with every inch of his soul and he doesn’t intentionally try to hurt me. I want to believe him, but I have a very hard time doing so given his past record. I just don’t understand it all. It’s completely out of the blue when I find it. It would be one thing if we had been fighting recently, or not having sex, or been distant emotionally. But none of these things are the case!
When I talked to my sister, even she is perplexed. She can’t understand why he does this because he is such a good guy otherwise. She said we really are perfect for each other but that maybe he really does have a problem that is worth pursuing help for.
I’m at a total loss as to what to do right now. For the moment I am going to stay with a friend while I clear my head and think things through. I told him that we were calling off the wedding at this point. Even if we decided to go through with it eventually it won’t be in June 2011 now like it was supposed to. There is no way I would be able to trust him again by then. I just hate that things are like this. I really had it good until he went and screwed things up. And you know what, if this was something I could get past and just ignore (which obviously no sane woman would) then I would bet you anything we would still have an amazing life together.
Please tell me someone can give me even the least bit of direction here. I am really at a complete loss as to how to handle this.