Post # 1
Member
5 posts
Newbee
I know this can be a controversial topic but I’m genuinely curious to hear different people’s experiences and opinions. If you don’t wish to read my personal story below, I won’t be offended, just leave a comment with your thoughts on the topic! 🙂
I’ve had two serious relationships, and in both, they turned out to be lying cheaters. The part that gets me is there weren’t signs of that type of behavior until I “snooped”. In the first case, I was using my bf’s phone as mine died. At the time I thought there was nothing wrong with grabbing my SO’s phone off the dresser to send a text to my sister who was waiting for me to confirm plans, and my phone died. I discovered inappropriate, line-crossing texts between him and one of our female friends. Some may not consider that “cheating”, but it crossed my boundaries and put doubts in my mind that weren’t previously there (turned out he’d physically cheated too). Before that, I never would have suspected anything, as he was very sweet, attentive, loving, etc.
In the second case, it was with a bf of several years who was again, very loving, kind, showered me with affection, no signs of inappropriate behavior. We’d discussed my past, and he’d assured me that he’d rather break up with me before cheating on me as he didn’t understand that behavior. This time I admit I looked at his texts on purpose, mostly from my insecurity of the previous relationship (not that I’m excusing it at all). I remember feeling ridiculous for my insecurities because I was *sure* I’d find nothing as he was so wonderful. What I found was even worse than the last bf…I found various explicit sexting conversations with his ex as well as multiple texts and pictures sent to his old high-school friend who he was clearly trying to hook up (and with whom it turns out he did cheat on me with).
In both cases, I felt these men loved me prior to finding the texts. There was nothing about them or their behavior that indicated that they were liars. They were both kind, told me and showed me they loved me, planned a future with me, integrated me into their lives (family, friends, etc.), and in both cases we’d had frank conversations about cheating.
Which is the part that makes me wonder how you’d discover that type of behavior without “snooping”. As I’m now single and venturing back into dating, I wonder: how on earth do you know who someone really is? This may sound stupid but is the only way to find the truth to snoop? Because I genuinely do not want a relationship where you have to snoop/monitor/check up on your SO to make sure they aren’t doing anything inappropriate behind your back. However it seems based on my experience (and some of my friends too) that someone can seem wonderful and honest with no red flags, but they are hiding inappropriate behavior.
What are your thoughts/experiences?
Post # 2
Member
3607 posts
Sugar bee
I had a BF in college and found similarly inappropriate messages on his FB, which he left logged in on my laptop. I don’t think I would have found out he was specifically sending those messages if not for the fact that I snooped. However, looking back on the relationship, he was a shitty human being all around, so although I was confused and shocked at the time, I should not have been. I bet if you think carefully, you will recall red flags in both relationships that tipped you off to the fact that those men weren’t as good of people as you thought they were, but maybe you were too in love or naive to see it, as I was.
Post # 3
Member
107 posts
Blushing bee
I found out my boyfriend of six years had cheated on me and generally done shady things through the majority of our relationship. Honestly I really wasn’t surprised when I sat back and took a hard look at our relationship. As PP said, there were all sorts of red flags left and right.
I think it comes down to values and what the other person views as right and wrong. Fiancée (not the same guy) and I have both been hurt before but we just approached things in a very straightforward fashion. I told him what I was okay with and what I wasn’t, he did the same, and we discussed sticking points. This is the same guy who would eat macaroni and cheese for a week just to afford to give me a gift he really wanted me to have, and would give his last dollar to a friend in need. Yeah we have had issues with minor things but we both knew going in what the rules and expectations were and I always have felt like I could ask him anything. If I ever snooped on him he would be irate and very hurt because that would mean I didn’t trust him and I didnt confront him (kindly) with my insecurities. He has an absence of the red flags.
Just watch for red flags, be honest about concerns and expectations, and discuss this kind of stuff like an adult at the beginning. Actions speak louder than words so if you are listening, you will hear what a future potential boyfriend is saying without having to snoop. Snooping is a huge violation of trust and to some, especially the people who work very hard to be open and honest, it can be almost as damaging as being cheated on.
Post # 4
Member
1296 posts
Bumble bee
Unless you’re dating sociopaths, there are always signs that someone isn’t a standup person. Start looking for them from the beginning.
Post # 5
Member
948 posts
Busy bee
Unfortunately, some people make really poor choices. If I were to say that yes, snooping is the answer, I’d have to be ok with the fact that anyone I dated could also snoop on me to verify I’m behaving appropriately, which I don’t find to be acceptable. A relationship should be based on mutual trust on respect, and obviously that was not the case in your previous relationships. If it weren’t for the texts you’d likely have found out in another way somewhere down the road When everything fell apart.
Post # 6
Member
2849 posts
Sugar bee
If I were so distrustful I felt the only way to determine if I was dating a lowdown dog was by snooping, I would not be in a relationship.
I will say that my partner has shown me over time through his actions, not his words, that he is honest and trustworthy. I am 90% certain that if a beautiful, half-naked supermodel draped herself across him, he would tell her to fuck off. In his line of work he has had plenty of opportunities to cheat, but I do not question his loyalty for a second – because he has earned that level of trust from me.
Post # 7
Member
120 posts
Blushing bee
I know my opinion isn’t really a popular one on here, but I don’t see the issue with snooping. I mean, if someone’s not doing anything wrong, you’re not gonna find anything, right? I guess an alternative to snooping could be to ask your SO if you can borrow their phone because yours died/isn’t working, and if they hand it over without hesitation, that sort of tells you they’re not hiding anything and if they don’t give it to you or tell you to hold on a sec and sort through their messages and delete stuff, then you know something’s wrong.
My experiences were similar to yours. 2 of the guys I’ve dated in the past were very loving, caring, and seemingly open about their lives. One night, one of them was in the shower and their phone vibrated so i looked at it. It was a text from his ex so I ended up snooping and saw that they had been sexting. I left while he was still in the shower and I left the phone in the middle of the bed with the conversation open so he could see why I left. He tried to call and explain, but there was no explanation as to why his privates were being sent to his ex gf that would have made me stay.
That being said, I do think there comes a time in a relationship where you should start to trust someone completely. For example, my DH and I used to go through each other’s phones. At first, we would sneak it and then one night I caught him going through mine. He tried to use every excuse in the book and I just kind of chuckled and said “relax, I go through yours too”. It opened up a conversation about the topic, and ever since then I haven’t felt like I had to. But I know that if I ever felt uncomfortable about something and wanted to look through his messages or something, I’d ask for his phone and he’d hand it over. And I would do the same. But when you reach the point of asking, I don’t really think you can call it snooping anymore since the other person knows what you’re doing.
I’ve always snooped in the beginning of a relationship. Not like, second date beginning, but dating for a few months beginning, because like you said, if you don’t know the person too well, how are you supposed to know what they’re doing? You can’t just blindly trust them and I’d rather snoop and find out the truth 4 months in, than come to the realization that he’s been a scum all along after dating him for 4 years.
Post # 8
Member
1011 posts
Bumble bee
It just depends. Because I’ve had bad relationships, sometimes I will look into say text messages, FB messages, emails, trying to find something.
On the other hand, I had an ex who hacked into my FB, found a message to someone from 6 years prior to me meeting him (I had never quite got the hang of deleting FB messages) then proceeded to send a message to said person about the message. I was like wtf? I didn’t know you existed 6 year ago, and yet you’re using that against me?
Snooping is a two way street though. While I’m not against it (read above) you have to be ok with the other person doing it to do. If you’d be upset/mad/angry/hurt at them doing it to you, then don’t do it to them. If you’re like, whatever, I have nothing to hide, then go for it. Otherwise, yes, its a double standard to think its ok to look through theirs but not for them to look through yours.
Post # 9
Member
5081 posts
Bee Keeper
I think that there most likely going to be signs that present themselves without snooping. Like, if they are really protective over their phone, won’t let you use it or shields it from you when using it. Same with the computer. In general, I would look for openness. My husband is comfortable leaving me in situations where I could snoop, which assures me that I have no reason to snoop. He is cool with leaving his facebook up or letting me know his password or letting me use his phone.
ETA: I do think that snooping can be detrimental at times as well. Like if you’re snooping and find sexy texts with an ex while they were in a relationship or chats about you from when you first started dating (there was a thread about this where she found years old messages when he wasn’t sure if she was his type and it got her all upset) or whatever. It could leave you feeling hurt, when they actually didn’t do anything wrong.
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This reply was modified 4 years, 9 months ago by SithLady.
Post # 10
Member
853 posts
Busy bee
I think that if you are up front with your BF about your history and concerns and fears, and also super aware of the red flags that you may have missed in your other relationships, it would help you to feel more secure. Also, if the relationship is an open one where you are both comitted, then there doesn’t need to be secrecy or hiding of any kind.
In my first marriage, my ex cheated. He had relationships with women he met at work. he was pretty secretive about his friends, his time around his work shifts etc.. Of course in hindsight, I should have guessed before I did. At that time we didn’t have cell phones or use e-mail like we do now. My current husband is a complete open book to me, and I am to him. We have each other’s finger prints in our phones to unlock them and regularly use each other’s phones for whatever reasons. I know his passwords for his e-mail and other accounts and things and he knows mine (in fact he re-set some of my financial ones because he pays the bills and he couldn’t remember my old reliable password). I know that my husband had a relationship with someone before his first divorce was final and he now considers that cheating and he feels bad about it. He told me about it and I don’t see it as a problem because he was 25 at the time-19 years ago.
Transparency and communication as well as being able to express your worries and history will make a good solid relationship.
Post # 11
Member
6864 posts
Busy Beekeeper
Admittedly, and thank goodness, I haven’t had the experiences you have gone through, and I’m sure it makes it more difficult to feel trusting. I’m not particularly cool with snooping because the conversations my husband has with others are none of my business as a general rule. If he wants to tell me about one, he will. I don’t even understand the concept of texting someone else and magically you’re looking through old texts instead. It’s like going through someone’s mail — you just don’t.
That said, my perspective is that if the urge to snoop comes to you in another relationship, ask yourself why. Are you bored? Nervous? Suspicious? If it’s the first, stay the hell away from that phone. If it’s the second two, why do you feel that way? What signs in your ordinary life are making you wonder? Honestly that should be all you need to decide to end things or open a discussion. You don’t need hard evidence to feel uncomfortable. Despite all the good that happened in your past relationships, there was something in the back of your head that made you feel you had to look. That something is all you need to say “hey, we need to talk about this” or “this isn’t a good relationship for me.”
I think I would be more upset to know my husband was prowling through my phone looking for a reason to be mad at me than I would if he just said things weren’t working out for ___ reasons and we could either resolve them or part ways.
Post # 12
Member
2180 posts
Buzzing bee
greylipstick: I mean, if someone’s not doing anything wrong, you’re not gonna find anything, right?
What kind of NSA, 1984, Joseph McCarthy line of thought…?
Personally I think if you don’t trust (or respect) someone enough not to look through their personal shit like a nosey parent, or perform secret little trust tests, you shouldn’t date them. That’s such a basic violation of privacy. How are you supposed to know what they’re doing? If you’re too insecure/jealous/paranoid/bothered by intuition to just take their word for it instead of playing Blues Clues with their personal life, maybe you don’t need to be a part of that personal life. There’s not a cut and dry binary between violating someone’s privacy and blindly trusting them. You take your time judging what kind of person they are and make yourself available/vulnerable accordingly. You keep a dialogue. That’s hardly blind and it’s how most healthy relationships, romantic or not, unfold.
Post # 13
Member
822 posts
Busy bee
pam100: I’ve been cheated on in the past and i always say this to people: ‘unless someone gives you a reason to worry then don’t worry’
I decided to stand by that rule because I didn’t want to be a paranoid wreck just because I had the misfortune of dating serial cheaters.
So unless they stay out until 6am, come back stinking of perfume with liptick smeared on their face, and a number/girl’s name written on their arm then I refuse to snoop.
Im not saying I’m naive and blind to the possibility of being cheated on. I’m just saying I’m not going to give myself unneccessary panic attacks over a guys behaviour until Ive got a solid reason to worry.
Plus snooping is the most stressful horrible heart wrenching thing I’ve ever had to do so if I can avoid it, I will.
We deserve snoop free lives!
Post # 14
Member
97 posts
Worker bee
Honestly, presuming you don’t have serious paranoia/jealousy issues, then normally that little voice that says somethings going on is usually right. I’d only pry if I had serious concerns something was going on. It’s normal, it’s human and if it means you find out something you’d otherwise never have known, you’re doing yourself a favour.
Post # 15
Member
5 posts
Newbee
beebee1983: It’s interesting that you use the word sociopath – after the second guy and I broke up and all his lying/cheating came to light, my friends and family were as floored as I was and more than one person asked me if he might be a sociopath based on the fact that everyone (some of his own friends included) was so shocked by it. I am sure that as many other posters have said, I was also so in love and naive that I missed certain signs here and there!