- 5 years ago
I know this can be a controversial topic but I’m genuinely curious to hear different people’s experiences and opinions. If you don’t wish to read my personal story below, I won’t be offended, just leave a comment with your thoughts on the topic! 🙂
I’ve had two serious relationships, and in both, they turned out to be lying cheaters. The part that gets me is there weren’t signs of that type of behavior until I “snooped”. In the first case, I was using my bf’s phone as mine died. At the time I thought there was nothing wrong with grabbing my SO’s phone off the dresser to send a text to my sister who was waiting for me to confirm plans, and my phone died. I discovered inappropriate, line-crossing texts between him and one of our female friends. Some may not consider that “cheating”, but it crossed my boundaries and put doubts in my mind that weren’t previously there (turned out he’d physically cheated too). Before that, I never would have suspected anything, as he was very sweet, attentive, loving, etc.
In the second case, it was with a bf of several years who was again, very loving, kind, showered me with affection, no signs of inappropriate behavior. We’d discussed my past, and he’d assured me that he’d rather break up with me before cheating on me as he didn’t understand that behavior. This time I admit I looked at his texts on purpose, mostly from my insecurity of the previous relationship (not that I’m excusing it at all). I remember feeling ridiculous for my insecurities because I was *sure* I’d find nothing as he was so wonderful. What I found was even worse than the last bf…I found various explicit sexting conversations with his ex as well as multiple texts and pictures sent to his old high-school friend who he was clearly trying to hook up (and with whom it turns out he did cheat on me with).
In both cases, I felt these men loved me prior to finding the texts. There was nothing about them or their behavior that indicated that they were liars. They were both kind, told me and showed me they loved me, planned a future with me, integrated me into their lives (family, friends, etc.), and in both cases we’d had frank conversations about cheating.
Which is the part that makes me wonder how you’d discover that type of behavior without “snooping”. As I’m now single and venturing back into dating, I wonder: how on earth do you know who someone really is? This may sound stupid but is the only way to find the truth to snoop? Because I genuinely do not want a relationship where you have to snoop/monitor/check up on your SO to make sure they aren’t doing anything inappropriate behind your back. However it seems based on my experience (and some of my friends too) that someone can seem wonderful and honest with no red flags, but they are hiding inappropriate behavior.
What are your thoughts/experiences?