(Closed) Is the bride asking for too much?? / How to be a graceful BM

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: what would you do?
    go to miami for your friend-- its a vacation! : (15 votes)
    8 %
    she's being excessive-- tell her no : (181 votes)
    92 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    5958 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: April 2018

    @1stRosie:  Certainly not dear, slavery went out after the Civil War, perhaps the bride remains unaware at this point in time?  As a rule, bachelorette parties, which are intended as a gift by the way, are the sole province of the bridal party and closest friends to plan and execute, not by any means a dictated bridal march to Miami where her bridal party is forced to hemorage money for her amusement….I appreciate that this bride is financing her wedding herself, that’s lovely, it is unheard of for any bride to expect her attendants to go into debt at her expense.  This bride needs a wake up call and lesson in etiquette, she sounds horrendous!

    Post # 4
    Member
    2450 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    yes, she is being too demanding. and isn’t the Maid/Matron of Honor supposed to decide what to do for the bachelorette as a surprise to the bride?

    i would skip miami and if she gives you crap, tell her “we TOLD you we were concerned about money, but you didn’t listen. this is what happens when you plan things we can’t afford.”

    Post # 5
    Member
    4352 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    I think I would say, “I can afford a trip that costs $x. Lets brainstorm ideas that fit into that budget.” You can also say, “I can afford to spend $y on a bridesmaid dress. What styles and colors do you like? Lets see if I can find something like that in my budget.” I would also look into buying your bridesmaid dress online. I’m having my maids buy their dresses at netbride.com because I have expensiveish taste. The dresses cost about half of what they do in stores at that store and they are authentic designer bridesmaid dresses.

    Post # 6
    Member
    963 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2011

    She’s asking for too much. She may not like to hear it, but she will need to either face that fact or go on a lavious bachelorette weekend by herself.

    Do you know the other girls in the bridal party? It might be good if you can talk to them and then all of you go to the bride with a united front to say she’s asking for too much. To less the blow, tell her that you can’t afford the Miami trip, but you want to help throw her a fun bachelorette party at home instead.

    Post # 7
    Hostess
    11167 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper

    I purposely did not plan an out of town bachelorette party because I knew my BMs could not afford it (nor could most of my friends). I think she owes you and the rest of the ladies this same courtesy.

    While a weekend away is nice and I’m sure you ladies would have a blast if she isn’t paying she cannot demand that you attend. I see nothing wrong with telling her that you simply cannot afford such an extravagant weekend away at this time. There are plenty of local things you can do in Boston instead (and you would still have to travel anyway).

    Post # 10
    Member
    4352 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    Its your money. She doesn’t get to tell you how to spend it. Decide what you are comfortable spending and tell her that you can spend that much on the bachelorette, shower, travel to the wedding, dress ect. Just because you happen to have more money doesn’t mean she is entitled to it or that she can tell you how to spend it.

    Post # 11
    Member
    963 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2011

    @1stRosie:  Saying “I can’t afford it” really means “I can’t afford to spend money on that and do all the other things I want”. It’s not lying to say you can’t afford it because you really can’t afford to go on the trip and meet your own financial goals. Obviously your own wedding and financial stability are more important to you than her bachelorette party.

     

    Post # 12
    Member
    569 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    I think she is only going to get worse. As you say, it’s her wedding so of course she is paying more – that doesn’t give her the right to be so entitled. Or to mock your wedding plans.

    I think you should call some kind of war council with the other BMs and agree that you will all limit bachelorette spending at X amount.

    Post # 14
    Member
    3585 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: January 2000

    @1stRosie:  Just say NO (with a smile) to yet another over-the-top unrealistic expectation of a bridesmaid.

    This stuff is ridiculous. Since WHEN did bachelorette parites consume entire weekends and plane travel? Oh I know that hollywood movie ushered in the trend. yeah, everyone has that pocketbook of the celluloid bridesmaids.

    OP I just read your second post. Again I assure you it is perfectly FINE to choose what to do with your own money. You don’t wnat to spend it on a Miami vacation? Don’t. Truly  it is ok.

    When this bride signed you up for this job did she lay out her expectaitons fo costs? I will bet that she did not.

    The madness has to stop somewhere so you can be the calm, rational one to Just Say No.

    I do not agree with a PP’s advice to agree with other BM’s about cost. You will not be able to come to agreement. Again, act for yourself and be strong. And frankly if her freinds suck so much, before you lay out money for a dress, perhaps you want to kindly offer to bow out of thie job since you won’t be able to meet her (completely unreasonable) expectations.

     

    Post # 15
    Member
    963 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2011

    @1stRosie:  She’s trying to emotionally blackmail you. Don’t give in. She will get over it and have fun at the traditional bachelorette party.

    Post # 16
    Member
    2874 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: March 2013

    i think when bachelorettes are out of town, then the bride pays her own way. Its one thing to pay for drinks at a bar…but a flight ticket, er no!

    Its hard to decline these events without looking like a bad guy, but i would have  aword with her and just say that its really straining your finances and maybe something local would be better. What do the other BMs say?

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