(Closed) Is the Ceremony Less Special if We're Already Legally Married?

posted 4 years ago in Ceremony
Post # 32
Member
2363 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

Would it be wrong/inaccurate to call the ceremony a “wedding”? —-yes. Because you’re already married.

Is there a better term for it?—- a vow renewal, marriage celebration 

I would hate to spend the kind of money it would take to have my ideal ceremony if everyone would be asking themselves what the point is.—personally I wouldn’t attend a vow renewal or celebration for less than 5 years. It wouldn’t be the same as a wedding because it isn’t one.

How I view it, you could have had a long engagement but chose to get married quickly. That’s fine, but you made a choice. 

Post # 33
Member
47 posts
Newbee

I honestly just made this account to respond to you. I don’t know why I am on this site right now, as the majority opinions here are downright mystifying to me, but I’ve been in a similar situation to you, so here goes: 

You are the creator of meaning in your life and whatever you do. Life is messy sometimes, and while doing things in the exact order, at the prescribed time, and according to tradition, is the best way to avoid criticism and hurt, it will also make sure you are sad, disappointed, and resentful because you prohibit yourself from doing what would make you happy since it’s “simply not done” or some other narrow-minded bullshit excuse. It sounds like circumstances like his army career and money stuff got in the way of what you’d hoped to have. It also sounds like having a ceremony with family is important to you, a dream. It already has meaning because it would be special to you. Have your party. Do it the best way you can. Call it a vow renewal, a wedding, a performance art piece, a hootenanny, a shindig, what-effing-ever you want.

If you’re only inviting people who genuinely care about you, they will prioritize an opportunity to celebrate with their beloved friend over some harsh opinion they developed from reading Emily Post’s Guide to Living Quietly by the Rules and Dying Inside. If this is something that has meaning to you now, it will have meaning when you are doing it. If the people you love know you and care about you, they will understand why you want your own special party with them invited, rather than questioning the legitimacy of it all. 

Post # 34
Member
4618 posts
Honey bee

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rae718 :  gypped is an incredibly offensive term.

 

Post # 36
Member
1227 posts
Bumble bee

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rae718 :  Being in the military doesn’t make this different for you. Unwed civilians are also not able to do the things you mentioned, unless a Power of Attorney is drawn up. You say you needed to get married to be afforded the privileges other couples are, but that’s simply not true. You marry to receive these benefits. You are already married. Anything you do after this is for show. You chose to get married for the benefits. Remember that not everyone who wants to get married is afforded these same rights. 

If you want to have a celebration with family, call it a celebration of marriage. Don’t have a wedding ceremony because you’re already married. Have a party celebrating your union and treat it accordingly. 

Post # 37
Member
47 posts
Newbee

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rae718 :  You’re so welcome. If it’s possible, I would close this thread if I were you, for your own sanity. I don’t want to hate on this forum, but it seems like a lot of topics descend into cruel comments over shit that doesn’t matter, like napkin colors or ring designs. That’s the internet for ya, I guess. Some people think being right is more important than other people’s feelings. 

It’s obvious that you felt that getting married the way that you did was the right thing to do in case something awful were to happen to your husband. As a fiancee, you couldn’t be there for him if that happened. It’s different for civilians because, frankly, they are not putting themselves in a situation where injury or death is as likely a problem to arise as for military people. You have a right to live your life the best way you see fit. 

If it makes you feel better, if I were to tell some of these folks how I got married, my vow renewal plans, and how I am as a wife, they would choke! I’ve dealt with my family and in-laws saying we’re doing it wrong. After some time passed,  those same people say they wish they’d done what we’re doing, or had a relationship like ours! People’s opinions are fickle. If anyone thinks a wedding celebration like yours is so horribly offensive, they can RSVP no and move the hell on.

I wish you and yours all the joy in the world for your party, however you choose to name it.

Post # 38
Member
554 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

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rae718 :  you asked people what they thought and people were honest with you. Sorry it wasn’t what you wanted to hear but that’s what happens when you ask a bunch of strangers what they think on the internet….

Post # 39
Member
62 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

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burneraccount123 :  such a beautiful response. I honestly don’t get why people are so vehement on this topic, especially in this day and age when any number of things can happen that make this arrangement necessary.

Post # 40
Member
768 posts
Busy bee

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rae718 :  you said in your OP “it was very special and felt right”. Why make yourself feel like it wasn’t good enough or wasn’t enough? I think you need to focus on why you both wanted to get married quickly and how that day felt to both of you. Embrace *that* day and call it a celebration of marriage.

Post # 41
Member
685 posts
Busy bee

In general I don’t see the point of putting on a “fake wedding” if you are already married. 

My Fiance and his parents were pushing for us to have a court wedding early in our engagement.  I was open to it, but felt very strongly that I would not walk down the aisle and pretend to get married at later date – just seems like it’s putting on a show. To a certain degree I think it devalues the marriage process.  

Regardless, if I was your friend I would celebrate with you if that’s how you chose to do things.

Post # 42
Member
13 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2009

It’s not less special if it’s the first time your whole family can celebrate your marital union.

Love is always worthy of a celebration, especially marriages. So it you can’t afford a reception for a few years, then that’s when you should have it.

 There’s nothing wrong with celebrating afterwards with friends and family and calling it whatever you want. If it’s still part of your wedding process because it doesn’t feel complete until your family celebrates it, that’s valid. If you insist on having a second ceremony in front of them, that’s fine too. Just make sure a second ceremony doesn’t undermine your first, which is sacred. Do it in a way that complements your first ceremony instead of one that seeks to replace it. Do whatever feels right to you. My above suggestions are what made / make sense to me, but at the end on the day you should make your own decisions. This is your story which will one day be your memories. Don’t trust anyone else with the power to steer them. Any regrets you incur will be your burden, not ours. 

 Good luck and enjoy. 

Post # 43
Member
24 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: Ruidoso NM

Well it depends. If you were married civilly and are now getting married religiously, then that’s a wedding. If it’s a civil vow renewal, there you go. But do what you want! You and your hub know what’s best for your relationship. The focus isn’t what it’s called – it’s what the day is representing and celebrating. 

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