(Closed) is the honeymoon over before it even began

posted 8 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
Member
542 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

First, let me say I am so sorry you have to go through this. I know from experience that lack of sexual communication in a relationship can destroy it. I know so many couples this has affected and it is a truly sad way to let a relationship suffer. Some people may not realize how important sexual intimacy in a relationship is, but it really can make or break you.

When you go to bed every night feeling rejected because he isn’t interested in having sex, that WILL soon bleed over into other aspects of your relationship. You will start feel resented and like not all of your needs are being met. Compromise is essential in a situation like this. You need to talk to him about it. Straight up sit him down and have a good heart to heart. Explain your concerns and how it makes you feel. Tell him that you need him to start making more of an effort, because while maybe having sex frequently isn’t important to him, it is important to you.

It is just like with any other situation in a relationship. If you are not meeting the needs of that person, the relationship will suffer. For example, if a spouse is not supportive of their partner’s career or if one person needs to be able to vent once in a while but cannot do so….all of these things will destroy a relationship and quite possibly their marriage.

I am sure you are getting married fairly soon, so it is absolutely imperative that you talk to him about this soon. As in, tomorrow. It may feel embarrassing or like something you shouldn’t have to do, but if you want to make it work, you need to explain to him how you feel and he has to be willing to compromise. Because unless you can all of a sudden diminsh YOUR sex drive (which you totally should NOT have to do) then this won’t work.

A relationship should be a 100 percent effort from both parties. Even if he maybe needs to see a doctor to figure out why his sex drive is so low, this needs to be figured out.

Good luck!! I am sure it will work out 🙂

Post # 4
Member
351 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Sex is a very important part of a marriage, I would suggest counseling so that maybe you can learn why he isn’t in the mood more often.

Was it always like this, or were you two having sex more often earlier in the relationship?

Post # 5
Member
2004 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

First, I am so sorry you’re experiencing this and feeling so alone. You are right to be seeking advice on this matter because it is definitely important.

I have some questions: How long have you been in your relationship together? How long have you lived together? Did your sex life use to be different, and if so, when did the change occur? Does he show affection in other ways? When you do have sex, what kind of attitude does he have?

I would try to figure out whether there are extraneous factors impacting your sex life, or whether you two just have different sex drives. Not all guys have high sex drives, and that his is low is not necessarily wrong or a reflection on you. On the other hand, the negative vibes surrounding your sex life could, ironically enough, be contributing to the problem. Low sex drive can be symptomatic of depression or high stress in other areas of life.

I agree that counseling might be helpful for you to discover what is going on in his mind. There are several possibilities: 1) that he knows what’s wrong but is ashamed to tell you; 2) that he doesn’t know what’s wrong, so he can’t tell you; or 3) that nothing is wrong and he really isn’t in the mood. Sorting through these questions will help you figure out which is which.

Best of luck and we at the bee are always here for you.

Post # 7
Member
613 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

he is either a) really stressed/depressed b)having solo performances several times a week or c) dont freak out here – getting it somewhere else.

sometimes, when we’ve been having a dry period, i find out that he’s being doing it solo 1-2x a day.  of course he’s tired/not in the mood, he’s already pleased himself TWICE that day!!  at this point, i know whats up, so i call him on it instead of feeling rejected…it will start with my period or me out of town and then spiral into a no sex for me for 2 weeks.

i like the counselor idea.  maybe there’s something going on with him that you dont know about.  in the meantime, i suggest you dont bring it up again until its with the counselor.  seems like the talking about it is making it worse.  and maybe invest in a good vibrator.

Post # 8
Member
1088 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I think for some people, sex is more of a game, than something intimate with someone. And, if he is bored with sex, that would concern me. It might be that he is bored with it because for him, it always has to be a heightened experience. Do you think that is the case? I am no expert but I really think when you experiment too much, you open the door to a lot of things that might not be good…and the partner wants more…and more…and sex with the one you love is no longer “enough”. But, I would def seek counseling and have a serious talk with him.

Post # 9
Hostess
16191 posts
Honey Beekeeper

I am so, so sorry to hear this.

In addition to counseling as the other bees suggested, your Fiance might want to see a doctor to see why he lacks desire.

But at a deeper level, this is something that is affecting your relationship in a major way. Does he know how much he’s hurting you? I’m sure he doesn’t want to hurt you, which means he need to be active and willing to find ways to bridge this gap between you two.

Post # 10
Member
272 posts
Helper bee

Do you think you two could try to make a commitment to have sex once a week, at a scheduled time and day? I’m thinking of my attitude towards something like jogging, which is… I’m always glad once I do it, but if I wasn’t on a regular schedule I would keep putting it off again and again until I never went jogging again.

It sounds like this cycle of anticipation is putting a lot of pressure on the actual act, which could understandably sap a lot of the joy and pleasure out of it. If you two made regular sex “non-negotiable,” it might help take some of that anticipatory edge off.

Post # 11
Member
104 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I think for me what really helps, when there are nights I truly AM too tired, my Fiance and I still kiss, cuddle and show each other affection. If this isn’t happening for you and Fiance (which it sounds like it isn’t) maybe you could start by addressing this missing piece in the relationship. Possibly if you both have a physical and emotional connection every day (even if it isn’t sex) it will fill the void you are currently feeling. Plus, it probably won’t hurt to maintain the intimacy and affection to help in getting the ball rolling towards sex, either. Maybe it won’t happen every night, but just preventing the awkwardness seems to me like it might make a huge difference.

 

Good luck. This is very stressful and I hope you can work it out!

Post # 12
Hostess
18637 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I agree about counseling and maybe seeing if there are any medical problems.  People do have different levels of desire so it requires working on it.  I want it a lot less than my husband because of a medical condition and we sort of have to schedule sex a bit.

Post # 13
Hostess
16191 posts
Honey Beekeeper

@Miss Iowa: I think that a great idea…there’s so much involved in intimacy aside from sex. And while the sex thing is still something to address, an increase in intimacy will help the OP feel less alone and rejected.

Post # 14
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I read your post a few days ago and have had a difficult time getting this off of my mind. I created a different account to ask this question because it is a very difficult question to ask. Please don’t take this the wrong way. Is there any way that he could be gay? Yikes… that was difficult!

This issue obviously doesnt have anything to do with you if he has had this problem in past relationships. I had a friend that was engaged to marry a guy she had been dating for 4 years only to find out that he was gay 3 months before the wedding. I may be totally wrong, but I think it is worth mentioning.

I also think that counsoling is a good idea. Sex is important in a relationship and what this is doing to you and your self esteem is not healthy. Maybe seeking the help of a doctor would be beneficial. Like mentioned in a PP, there may be an underlying medical condition, such as a  testostrone deficency.

 

Post # 15
Member
2025 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@lucky stripe: I was also thinking about putting this question out there, although it’s a difficult one to ask. Just didn’t want you to think you were the only one who’s mind it crossed. 

I was also thinking along the lines of if he has had any past sexual trauma (maybe as a child)? I had some sexual issues I had to work out through with a therapist stemming from this situation. 

And Alone: I agree with the other posters that this is something that needs to be addressed. Counseling and a trip to the doctor would be in both of your best interests as sex really is so vital in a relationship. I am so sorry you are going through this and hope you both find a solution soon. 

The topic ‘is the honeymoon over before it even began’ is closed to new replies.

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