Is the situation with my ex too complicated for me to take him back?

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
318 posts
Helper bee

I don’t think you wouldn’t have posted here if you didn’t know deep down that you shouldn’t take a guy like this back. This is what abusers do, they abuse and then go back to being all nice and apologize when they think it will get the woman to come back- only to abuse her again. He’s most likely not really changed but just playing with your emotions, playing the good guy to lure you back in so they next time it calls you “worthless” a “a slut” or whatever other anusesive language he wants to use you’ll think “he’s not that bad, he still loves me, he said sorry after”. No. Don’t fall back into that trap. You’re way better than that. You have your life back together and you don’t need anyone tearing you down emotionally. Leave this guy where he belongs, in your past. Grow from that awful experience but dont dwell on it or care about that guy and what he’s doing. If he really wants to help himself he’s do it and leave alone all his victims instead of insenting himself back into their lives.

Post # 17
Member
2259 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
coffeebean4444 :  stopped reading after you said he was physically abusive. Do not, under any circumstance, take him back. Not only is it “complicated”—it is dangerous for you. The fact that he’s pretending to be such a deformed, nice-guy is just another way of him being abusive. He’s trying to deceive you and lure you back in. Men like this do not change, and things will likely just be worse this time around. 

 

I saw a few bees say that if abusers were abusive 100% of the time, no women would ever date them. Instead, they’re only abusers some of the time, and that time usually begins once the abused person’s self-worth is too eroded for them to leave. Don’t fall into this trap again.  

 

Im concerned that you’re even *considering* dating him again…why, bee?

Post # 18
Member
5469 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

No.

This is a horrible idea. Move on away from him and build a better life for yourself. It would be most foolish to go back. 

Post # 19
Member
358 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

No no no no no no no. Please bee, do not do this. Do not return to an abuser. You will find happiness elsewhere. He is not the right person for you in any way, shape, or form. Leave, cut off contact, and move forward.

Post # 20
Member
1123 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2018 - Fremont, CA

Ditto every word that lovely hikingbride bee has said.

 

Post # 21
Member
622 posts
Busy bee

Never take back an abuser. You know that they are extremely manipulative and that he’ll say anything to make you think he’s changed. It sounds like what he’s doing is “hoovering” which is when after a period of time after leaving you, they get bored and try to suck you back into their game. Please do not let him succeed. Block him everywhere, go no contact, get counseling to help keep yourself away or for repeating this pattern again. Please do not believe he’s changed. My ex is a sociopath, I’ve been through all of this, it’s awful but you NEED to realize this and break free and protect yourself. I already saw you making excuses for him in your post. Don’t do that! No abuse, even the verbal things you mentioned, is ever your fault. Never. 

Post # 22
Member
5789 posts
Bee Keeper

 

When you first met this guy, did he scream at you and tell you how awful you are and smack you around on the first date? 

Likely not. Because most abusers know how to hold the mask in place and be reasonably charming  until the relationship gets underway. 

So now he’s back again, being all nice and shit on dates with you. All he’s done here is put the mask back on long enough to win you back. 

Post # 23
Member
134 posts
Blushing bee

You say you’ve changed and are now independent with high self esteem and the power to leave an abusive relationship straight away…. But you’re thinking about getting together with someone you described as very abusive. Abusiveness isn’t a tic that you cure with a few therapy sessions. Please don’t sign up for another round with this villain. It’s not too complicated: he’s just bad. 

Post # 24
Member
227 posts
Helper bee

Is this real life? 

Post # 25
Member
4129 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

The fact that he’s only too happy to turn the tables and describe the woman after you as a “downgrade’ tells me everything I need to know about the way he sees women. He hasn’t changed, you’re just in the honeymoon phase again.

Post # 26
Member
11338 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
coffeebean4444 :  

Are you effin kidding me?  “Counseling” does not magically transform an abuser into a non abuser.  It takes YEARS of serious work with a therapist who is an expert in working specifically with abusers.  What is the background of your ex’s therapist?  What qualifies this person to work with abusers?  Special training, seminars, programs, what?  What is their philosophy?

The first, and biggest red flag is that the therapist is not telling him to stay separated from you for a minimum of one year.  In legit abuser treatment, the victim controls the pace of the reunification, if there is to be one.

Read Why Does He Do That, by Lundy Bancroft before you go one centimeter further into this relationship.

Red Flag Number Two:  he hangs out with the same bunch of assholes.

He’s trying to Hoover you back in and you’re falling for it.  

Post # 27
Member
1249 posts
Bumble bee

The relationship was terrible; he was very abusive  <- you could have stopped here. Nothing would make getting back together with this man okay. 

Post # 28
Member
1972 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

I don’t understand how you are even contemplating the question. 

Block him. Delete him. 

Your life is far better without this loser.

Post # 29
Member
75 posts
Worker bee

As I read your post I feel like we are talking about my ex. I was in the same situation as you a few years ago.  I will tell you that he will promise you that things will be better this time but then he will get comfortable and do the same as he did before.  At one point in my life I felt like I was stuck and couldn’t get away from this vicious cycle but I had to for my sanity.  He is only saying what you want to hear but will never follow through.  My suggestion is to move on without him.  I was going backwards instead of moving forward in life.  I read the book that sassy411 suggested and that was because I saw a counselor and she gave me the book.  It will open your eyes.  I also want to add that after leaving my ex my life has been better.  I’m engaged to a man that is amazing.  He treats me well and we will be getting married next year.  My ex is now in an another relationship and he treats her just as bad as he treated me.  He never changed. I’m glad I had the strength to move on.  Please don’t give this anymore thought and leave him for good.

Post # 30
Member
60 posts
Worker bee

 

No. You’re in the honeymoon phase.

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