(Closed) Is The Spark Really Gone? Help!

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1210 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Passion waxes and wanes. That’s normal. I love my SO dearly, but it’s certainly a different kind of excitement than it was 3 years ago! I’m willing to bet that your SO is reeling from your argument and yes, you’re going through a slump.

Your relationship can last as long as you’re both managing expectations. Your relationship is in a new stage…it’s not as exciting all the time, but it can be just as fulfilling. 

I really suggest upping the ante in your relationship. Whenever my SO and I start to feel a bit “dull” we’ll do something to light a little fire:

1) Plan a trip. SO & I don’t have a ton of money, but we planned a trip last September during a time like you’re having. We stayed in a motel, went hiking, ordered in pizza… it was really casual, but it was nice to get out of our environment.

2) Do some new things. Pick up a new hobby together or try some new restaurants. Brainstorm a list of dates that are within your budget and sound fun for both of you. Make an effort to go out more often, rather than staying inside.

3) I know you said your sex life is adequate, but try something new. Get some cute lingerie,  leave him a sexy note or two… whatever you think he’ll like.

4) This is the most important — mirror his level of distance. Go out a little more, have some ‘me’ time. It sounds counterintuitive because our instincts tell us to smother people when we feel we’re losing them. Remind him what an amazing woman you are! Whenever I notice that my SO is pulling away a little bit, I make an effort to go out with my girlfriends more, be a little bit busier — the point isn’t to be manipulative, but to allow him to have the room to put in some effort.

 

Good luck!! I wholly believe this is a normal stage in any long term relationship. 

Post # 5
Member
1285 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

We have been together for 5 years, living together for 2 years married for only 2 months. I would say that sometimes that spark get dimmer, usually due to stress. We have had our weeks where we really need to try to have adequate/poor sex once and weeks were we couldn’t keep our hands off each other even if we wanted to. Niether situation lasts forever and we are usually somewhere in the middle.

Some advise to add to Ms. Monkey’s great tips:

1. Communicate, communicate, communicate! When we are in a slump, we try to remember to check in with each other that it is OK with them. Sometimes, it is just one of us that is in a slump, we need to talk about what will make that person know they are still desirable. The other side of communication is to keep talking about intimacy, what is working in bed and what isn’t to make sure sex is always getting better, not so mundane. The key is to have a place that you both can talk honestly, no hurt feelings because he said he prefers I *gasp* shave more than once a week.

2. Keep your own personal life interesting. I’m not saying you should ever ditch him, but keep your own hobbies, friends, interests, even if he doesn’t share them. For example, I love the art museum, so I have a membership. He is always welcome to join me, but if he doesn’t, I’m either finding someone else to go with or going on my own. No one is keeping me from the art! Also, I keep up my personal appearance for my self esteem. I eat well, excerise, choose my hair style and cloths for what make me feel good. If I feel confident, I am much more sexy to him.

3. Do something out of the comfort zone together. We took dance classes, we both felt very awkward, and bonded over it because we needed our dance partner.

4. Do something in your comfort zone to build your relationship’s self esteem. We are crazy good hosts. Every time I host a party with my husband, I fall in love with him all over again.

I’m very sorry you had the fight, but I’m really hoping that it becomes a starting place for a more fulfilling relationship.

Post # 6
Member
281 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I am giving my fiance a box filled with dates for each month for a wedding gift – “Date Night in a Box”  I feel like it is so easy to lose that “spark” because life gets in the way.  I have loved making this for him.

Materials:

-box

-12 envelopes (13 for intro letter)

-calendar for each month of the year

 

All I did was type names of each month for a year onto labels and then stuck them on mailing envelopes.  Then I put a calendar print out for that month.  At the beginning of each month we will open the envelope and choose a day for our special date.  In each envelope will be almost everything needed for that date.  Some are practically free .. some are a little bit more expensive

Sample Dates so far:

cookout & cornhole-I included a giftcard to WalMart so we could go get the ingredients for our cookout and then he has the cornhole set.  We LOVE to play; however, don’t very often because of how busy things get

dinner at a favorite restaurant & a movie-I bought the giftcard so dinner is paid for and included some cash for the movie

comedy night-popcorn, diy tickets, laffy taffys (for the jokes on the wrapper of course), a list of youtube comedian videos

tickets to a sports game-this was the big one that cost the most money

If you are into pintrest you can find lots of date ideas on there or you can just google “date night” ideas.  My goal was to do 1 more expensive date (the tickets to sports game).  You could do all at home dates – there are tons of cheap and free ones online as I have been working on this for a while and have been able to buy a date or 2 a month

good luck!

Post # 7
Member
442 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m glad I’m not the only one who feels this way. Lately, the stress of wedding planning, house building, and me finishing school this year really affected our relationship.  Some times I feel like we are as connected as we use to be. I’m hoping it has to do with everything going on lately.

Post # 9
Member
184 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I agree with the previous posters. My SO and I have been together for almost 3 years and we had one fight like this about exactly a year ago. We almost broke up that day after we both said some hurtful things and truly contemplated ending our relationship. By the end of the discussion and night though, we both realized we didn’t want to lose each other and that we were still very much in love. Maybe it was the fear that it was actually happening or maybe it was the honest, open communication we had after the fight. I don’t know, but for whatever reason, we changed our minds and could not bear the thought of being without each other after the talk (or at least I couldn’t).  I think he felt the same way though because the next day we both did not go to work and spent the whole day together and I could feel that he was just as relieved we were still together as I was. (He asked a few times, “you’re still my girlfriend, right”).  Anyway, my point is that just like the previous posters said, this is probably just a relationship slump. In my opinion, they are totally normal, as long as the good times outweigh the bad. The previous posters also gave good tips that I agree with.  In my case, I didn’t necessarily try anything in particular. I think we just started communicating better after that and I can honestly say we have had an amazing year after that fight, and I feel better than ever. So good luck, and if you love him, stick it out and he will come to realize it too ๐Ÿ™‚

 

Oh and I heard this once (maybe on these boards, can’t remember) when a very old married couple was asked what was the key to making marriage work, they said it was to never fall out of love at the same time.  I thought that was interesting. Doesn’t sound super romantic that it’s possible to fall out of love, but it gives inspiration and hope for long lasting love.  Also, one thing that really helped me during that difficult time was the song “Ordinary People” by John Legend. My boyfriend found it and showed it to me at that time and I cried and cried. I am a sap ๐Ÿ™‚

 

Well Good luck once again ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 10
Member
1210 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@juneebee: “h and I heard this once (maybe on these boards, can’t remember) when a very old married couple was asked what was the key to making marriage work, they said it was to never fall out of love at the same time.”

I agree with this 100%!!! It doesn’t exactly go with the Disney movie versions of love we’re raised on, but it is SO true. I think people spend their lives falling in and out of love with one another. 

 

 

@bestwishes: If you have time, will you post the rest of your dates when you’re done? I LOVE this idea and I want to do it for Valentine’s Day. My SO is a bit of a couch potato and hates planning, so this gift would be a great compromise for our relationship! Love it! 

Post # 11
Member
4239 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

@juneebee: when a very old married couple was asked what was the key to making marriage work, they said it was to never fall out of love at the same time

I agree with this completely!

Post # 13
Member
1210 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@Sparkyspark: I have had this VERY same feeling with my SO. It’s hard to be blindsided! Does your SO struggle with words? I doubt that he doesn’t feel anything when he’s with you. He’s probably just shocked by the change in getting comfortable with a relationship. He might not be great at articulating that change without making it sound like a total insult to your entire relationship. 

Post # 15
Member
2892 posts
Sugar bee

I read somewhere once that the average life of “the spark” is 2-3 years. After 2-3 years the butterflies fade and real hardcore love kicks in if it’s right, the one you work for, the one that tickles you under the surface and not on the surface like “the spark” does. I’m close to the 3 yr mark with my guy and I certainly feel them fading. But it’s more like they’re turning into something different. And it’s great. Monotony, as he put it, is very easily fixed. Make plans. Stop having vanilla sex. Seriously. While vanilla can be satisfying and “fine” who really wants “fine”? Don’t you want fantastic? Mixing it up there alone and throwing in some new flavors is bound to kill some of the monotony by itself. 

Just talk with eachother. You may be surprised by how easy the solution is.

Post # 16
Member
281 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@MsMonkey-I will be glad to post my final dates when I am finished.  Here are the links where I got the overall idea and then where I got some ideas for dates — I hope it is okay to do this I tried to see if posting links was allowed..

http://shannonbrown.typepad.com/life_in_general/2011/01/lets-go-on-a-date-january.html

     >This is where I got the idea (actually it had been pinned on pintrest; however, this is where it originated from).

http://loveactually-blog-ideas.blogspot.com/2010/03/date-nights.html

     >This is a link to some date ideas (the comedy club date idea came from here)

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