(Closed) Is the wedding really your day?

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Which best describes your feelings
    My wedding is MY day, I have dreamed about this. : (5 votes)
    2 %
    It's our wedding, what FI and I say are final, and no one else matters : (119 votes)
    43 %
    The wedding is a shared day for loved ones. We will heavily consider our family & guest opinions : (136 votes)
    49 %
    The wedding in not about you, accommodate your guests if you want them there : (15 votes)
    5 %
  • Post # 32
    241 posts
    Helper bee

    I think it’s not about you unless you are having an elopement, which is what I’ll be doing. I want my wedding to be about me and my SO not about a bunch of fussy relatives. 

    Post # 33
    186 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: July 2014

    I was actually in the small minority that voted for “it’s about everyone else.” Because I believe that there is something important in the fact that a wedding is a communal event.

    I have been with my Fiance for five years. We have known for years that we are dedicated to each other; we’re not just promising to build a life together, we have built a life together. If the wedding were truly just about us, we would have just gone to the jop and done the thing.

    But, to me, a wedding is a chance to honor the community that raised my Fiance to be the man I fell in love with. It’s a chance to thank our family and friends for all the support they have given us. And something about vowing to support and love each other in front of our communities is transformative; it wouldn’t mean the same thing if they weren’t there.

    So I don’t view the wedding as a “courtesy”; I view it as a thank you to everyone we love. I know it’s easy to lose sight of that in the day-to-day grind of planning; and if you are getting requests that go against your beliefs or lifestyle choices (like, if you don’t drink and you choose to have a dry wedding and everyone is complaining about that), I don’t think you should feel pressured to host an event that feels inauthentic to who you and your Fiance are as a couple. Or maybe consider having a smaller event with just the people who matter the most to you.

    Post # 34
    112 posts
    Blushing bee

    All these different perspectives are very interesting. I didn’t vote – what I believe and what I think is (my) reality are completely different.

    I understand you feel that you are doing your guests a favor by being accomdating of their requests…I’m going to suggest that on the flip side, guests may feel that they are doing you a favor by attending your wedding. Cost of travel, hotel stay, engagement/bachelorette/bridal shower/wedding presents, attire if you are in the bridal party, etc. it can all add up. You may see each guest as $$/head…they may see your wedding as having a price tag attached as well. But in the end, I think none of this matters. If you say it’s your day, then it’s your day 🙂


    Post # 36
    1882 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    @BrideofGroomzilla:  if the wedding was all about my fiancé and me, we’d elope. Our parents would be absolutely heartbroken though… And they are such amazing parents who have waited for years and years for us to get engaged and are so excited that letting them down isn’t an option. 

    Post # 37
    561 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    @BrideofGroomzilla:  My husband and I were really lucky in that our parents gave us money for the wedding and didn’t really attach any strings to it. So, what we decided is what happened and we didn’t have anyone telling us, “You have to provide an open bar!” or, “You have to invite my entire side of the family!” 

    That being said, we each asked our parents for a list of people they wanted to invite and we both wanted to throw a party that our friends and family would enjoy. So…what we said was final, but we had our guests in mind throughout the planning.

    Post # 38
    402 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2015

    @BrideofGroomzilla:  I agree in a way.  I would love to accomodate my guests with great hospitality.  The reception is a way to say thank you for coming.  However, I don’t think that it means that guests should get a say or get to do whatever they want.  My biggest peeve is if you pay thousands of dollars for a photographer, only to have guests ruin the shot by getting in the way or using flash, or using their smartphones to take pics and post them to social media without your permission.  They are photos of you after all, and you should have a say.  I think it is a small thing to ask that they keep their phones off during the ceremony, and to refrain from flash and taking pics during the ceremony.  The reception is fine.  They are getting free food, booze, entertainment, a favor and a thank you note, not to mention welcome bags at hotels and a discount on booked rooms.  The least they could do is accomodate your wishes for a technology free wedding ceremony for ONE HOUR!

    Post # 39
    1812 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2013 - Pavilion overlooking golf course scenery, reception at banquet hall

    The way I looked at it was this: My guy and I are committing to each other for life. You are welcome to attend and witness it, and share in our moment. OUR moment. Obviously the guests come into play to some degree (ie the appropriateness of that youtube bride gyrating down the aisle to Crazy Bitch), but anyone who feels the need to criticize my cash bar, secular ceremony, or which piece if paper I put my registry info onto can go take an enormous chill pill.

    Post # 40
    9802 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2013

    I think it’s a shared day.  I think the ceremony should be for Fiance and you, and that should reflect your beliefs and tastes and no one else’s.  I think the reception is not all about you.  You’re hosting people and inviting them to celebrate so you should keep their comforts in mind.  Same as if you were inviting them over for a dinner.  If you think it’s really ALL about YOU, I think you should elope.  That’s the only way it’s really all about you.

    Post # 41
    11517 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: May 2014

    @BrideofGroomzilla:  the wedding is about US, it’s our day BUT we’re having a wedding instead of running off to Vegas because our family is important to us so we’re considering them in our decisions.  Thankfully, so far, our families haven’t asked us for much at all – they’re pretty much leaving it to us.

    Post # 42
    1979 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: November 2014

    @BrideofGroomzilla:  the wedding is 100% about my Fiance and me and no one else.  Being invited to share in OUR special day is a privilege.  The opinions of guests about colors, flowers, decor, etc have no weight to me at all.  If guests want OUR reception to be a rave party or children friendly, I don’t care- at all! I dont care what kind of music the guests like or dont like. I am a considerate person- 2 guests will have newborns so we are having a separate room they can take the baby to nurse or nap, for example. There will be plenty of food (I was at a wedding this summer that ran out of food- I was starving!).  We will have activitiea to do during the cocktail hour ao guests dont have to make small talk for an hour.  We will have parasols during our outdoor ceremony to keep guests comfortable. So we will be considerable hosts for true needs and comfort, but not every wish their heart desires.

    I also think dietary concerns should be considered like 

    View original reply
    @BrandNewBride:.  However, I slightly disagree that someone can’t help of they are celiac or vegan.  Someone can’t help they are celiac and Fiance has a life threatening allergy to peanuts, so I totally understand that. But being Vegan is a choiceseveral a lot of vegetarian friends so we will have a vegetarian option, but if anyone is a Vegan (I don’t think anyone is), they might be out of luck because all the vegetarian entree options at my venue have dairy. If I can accommodate a dietary preference, then I will, but medical dietary needs come first.


    Post # 43
    1474 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2014

    I believe the day is OURS(FI & I) day. However, we are both very close with our families and guests and want them to be happy and comfortable as well.

    Thankfully Fiance is very laid back and is fine with me making the decisions within reason(I always include him anyway) BUT it’s turning out to be my Moms day too apparently. She has her own vision of what our wedding should be like so there are compromises all around for me on this one.

    Post # 44
    1291 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: January 2011

    Our wedding was OUR day. When we were in the beginning stages of planning it started getting out of control…….it was at that point when we decided to “elope” with our parents in St. Augustine, FL. 

    It is so easy to let the comfort of everyone else change the vision you have for you and your soon-to-be-husband. People view you as a selfish bitch when you carry out your vision when it clashes with their opinions. Basic respect and basic comfort is necessary for guests in my opinion. But they shouldn’t dictate time of day, day of week, opulence, menu, kids vs. no kids…..these things shouldn’t be negotiable. But I may be wrong. 

    Post # 46
    63 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    View original reply
    @SarahCF:  +1000.  Slightly OT, but this is why I don’t particularly like destination weddings with large guest lists – just elope, already.

    On the one hand…If you want it to be only about you and Fiance, then elope. If you want loved ones there, you should consider their desires. They are there to share the moment with you. A wedding is not a performance. It’s not a birthday party. It’s not a “look at me I am the most important person in the world” party. It’s a shared experience. If you want them there, it should be because you want to include them in a really important day for you, and you should want them comfortable and accomodated.

    On the other hand…I don’t see why someone who’s not paying for it should get a say in things that don’t have anything to do with guests feeling comfortable or welcome. Things like colors or decorations, little details that won’t affect anyone else – those should be up to you and/or whoever is paying for it. And ceremonial things that are very meaningful to your marriage – things like whether to get married in a church, what kind of vows to say, etc. – those should be decided by only the couple because those things have everything to do with you two and nothing to do with other people.

    So, I vote shared, but I think it depends what and who we’re talking about.


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