(Closed) Is there a bigger issue at hand?

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
5404 posts
Bee Keeper

Have you tried telling him that this behavior is really bothering you or you have attempted to and the situation goes back to him shutting you down? Is this a sudden behavior change on his part? Has anything stressful happened recently in your relationship to cause the increasing fights (besides engagment)?  I think you would have a better idea if there is a “bigger issue at hand”  since the background info you shared is a a bit limited. It’s hard to say (for me at least) without seeing the bigger picture. 

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 2 months ago by  socalgirl1689.
Post # 3
Member
4055 posts
Honey bee

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louala:  Would he be open to counseling? The communication between you 2 is downright awful currently. An unbiased 3rd party can be just what your relationship needs to help open the lines of cimmunication. It sounds as though you’re being very reasonable, and your Fiance is essentially being a spoiled brat. Is it a dealbreaker for me personally? If it went unresolved, yes. Communication is essential for a healthy relationship. If my Fiance was downright unwilling to communicate with me, and I tried everything in my power to help fix it, I personally would have to walk away. I refuse to live my life with someone who thinks that they can simply tell me what to do without coming to a mutual agreement, and who disregards my feelings and tells me “that’s just the way it is.” Having said that, at this point, could you walk away knowing that you’ve done everything in your power to try and fix it? If not, and if you think the relationship is worth saving, I would again recommend counseling if he’s open to doing so.

Post # 4
Member
287 posts
Helper bee

While the fact is your communication isn’t great, I get his point over Christmas. He has spent the last two Christmases with your family, so why can’t he spend Christmas with his this year?

If my Fiance told me I couldn’t spend Christmas with my family after spending two years on the trot with his I would go ballistic. 

If you want to spend it with your family, then do so. He just won’t be there. You can meet up later on. It’s not your vision of Christmas being apart from him but in order to complete your vision you are denying him any chance at his (with his family), which I think isn’t any leeway on your part as he has spent the past two years with you. 

Post # 5
Member
7804 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Yes, it seems you have some serious communication issues to start. Are the two of you open to premarital cousneling or just counseling?

Marriage is compromise–if he’s spent the past two Christmases with your family it’s your turn to spend Christmas with his or at least not complain if he goes alone. This is just the first of many events and holidays where choices will have to be made, and those choices should be fair and equitable.

Post # 6
Member
3238 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

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louala:  Sorry, it sounds like you are being just as much of a dictator by saying Christmas Eve is ALWAYS big with my family we will ALWAYS do Christmas Eve with my family. The compromise should be spending it with his family since you have done it with yours the last 2 years. 

Post # 7
Member
1285 posts
Bumble bee

Although I think he needs to learn to compromise or be willing to talk things out. I think, in regards to Christmas, if his mom wants to do a big Christmas Eve, then he should spend it with his family. Why don’t you both (or you by yourself) do a half day at each family? Do you think maybe, just possibly, because I don’t know how your relationship functions, he thinks your selfish? And that’s why he says things so matter-of-factly, so that way he can get his way? These are things to think about. Because this Christmas instance, you just assumed it’d be with your family because it’s been done twice in a row. It’s not fair to think that because his family doesn’t do a big Christmas Eve, that it means less to them to spend time together. Maybe his mom misses having her son around for the full holiday and is finding a reason for him to come Christmas Eve. You have to think about your actions in all this. Because it may sound to me, that you assume it was going to be your way. And it may be that way in other aspects of your life. But I do think that you guys need to come to terms with how you talk to each other, and work at it, but also be accepting of who each of you are as a person. 

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 2 months ago by  monsterly.
Post # 12
Member
1260 posts
Bumble bee

You can each only be in one place. So either he won’t be with his family for the third year in a row, or you will miss one with your family, or you’ll be in separate places. Yes, you should decide this together, but it’s really not fair to just assume that he’ll come with you and be upset that he wants to see his family.

What about the reverse, christmas eve with his family, and then christmas morning with yours?

Post # 14
Member
7804 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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louala:  No, I don’t think it’s normal to spend the holiday apart. Based on what you’ve shared it’s your turn to spend the holiday with his family. If you refuse to do that I imagine spending it apart is the only other option.

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