Is there a polite way to not invite people?

posted 2 months ago in Guests
Post # 16
Member
752 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

kate01199 :  I said, you can choose whatever venue you like. Your mother has no say in that. However, you can’t dictate what people do with their money. That’s rude. 

I agree with the other bees here. Either accept all the money and let her do what she wants with it, or don’t accept any money at all. That’s how it goes. 

But if you don’t accept her money, you can have whatever the heck kinda wedding you want. 🙂

Post # 17
Member
361 posts
Helper bee

I personally hate the “if they’re paying, they decide” mentality. It seems to be really common on these boards but it’s like saying my parents helped me pay for my college tuition therefore I have to study and get a job in the field they approve of. Or my boyfriend bought and gifted me a TV but is allowed to take it away whenever he wants and without my say. It’s a gift!! If your parents offer to help pay for your wedding it’s still YOUR wedding. If they really want to do something nice for those people then they can throw their own party and leave your nuptials out of it. Sincere generosity does not come with strings attached 🤷🏽‍♀️ 

That being said, people are entitled to what they spend their own money on and if she doesn’t want to pay for anything but her extra guests then she doesn’t have to. 

Post # 18
Member
733 posts
Busy bee

peekaboobs :  Sincere generosity doesn’t come with strings. Parents’ money unfortunately does a lot of times. If you really want complete control, you have to pay for it yourself. I’m not saying it’s right to hold money over your kids’ heads, but if people choose to do that all you can do is say thanks but no thanks.

 

Post # 19
Member
361 posts
Helper bee

bostonbee2018 :  ugh, I feel so bad for the people who have to put up with that (I think we all know someone who got a degree in something they hate because they’re parents made them). We budgeted to pay for everything ourselves but I was surprised by my parents and my sister and her SO when they offered to help too. They didn’t ask to add anything though, they told us they could contribute X amount and we told them a few things on our list that fit their budget and they’re picking up the tab. 

Post # 20
Member
346 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

Am going to disagree with PPs. One of the best things my husband and I did when planning our wedding is keep the guestlist small- I only invited family that I have an active relationship with and it made the day so much better as everyone who was there we actually wanted to be there.

I totally disagree that “she gets to decide what she does with her money”. If she paid for the DJ, should she get to choose all the songs? If she paid for the catering, would she be ok to dictate the whole menu? It’s still your wedding.

But it’s true that keeping the guestlist small is a harder argument to make if your Mum is contributing to the wedding AND has strong views. I would sit her down and explain that you are only inviting XX people to the wedding and that if doing so means she doesn’t feel she can support the wedding financially, that you accept that and understand. 

 

Post # 21
Member
180 posts
Blushing bee

I think you have two options: accept the money from your parents and invite whomever they’re asking you to invite (as this seems to be why they are offering to pay) or decline their money and do things as you want to do them. If they’re offering to pay for other things, then you could negotiate with them as to where the money will go – but it sounds as if they’re offering to pay specifically because they want these people invited.

Post # 22
Member
5456 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

If the woman you mention was so “hostile” to you, then why did you attend her son’s wedding? Apparently she wasn’t so awful to be around when the food and drink was free, but she’s awful when you’re footing the bill? And as for your SO not being invited to a wedding, so your Fiance wants to not invite their SPOUSE? Sounds like he’s awfully petty. Perhaps not inviting SOs is impolite, but married couples must be invited together.

Your mum is offering money for her guests. Either accept her money and invite them, or don’t accept her money and have your own wedding. It is not acceptable to take the money she’s offering for more guests and use it for something else.

Post # 24
Member
5456 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

But did your mum say she was giving you money with “sincere generosity” or did she say she would pay for the additional guests? She’s helping out on her terms because it is important to her that her friends and relatives see her daughter get married. Evidently, she’s proud of you and wants her friends and relatives to see what she considers a milestone. It appears she sincerely loves you, even if her money comes with strings.

I guess you can discuss things with her, but she’s unlikely to budge, I’d bet. It is very often important for parents to be able to invite guests, especially if the parents have seen the other person’s child get married. It is partially sharing milestones and perhaps partially feeling “even”.

Post # 25
Member
733 posts
Busy bee

shanmia :  There’s a difference between what parents should/shouldn’t and can/can’t do. 

SHOULD they dictate the menu or playlist if they pay for the catering or DJ? No, not necessarily. CAN they, though? Yes. Because they can say, “If you want my money for the catering and DJ, we are going to serve ABC and play XYZ. If not, I won’t pay for it.”

For the record, I have seen parents insist on having certain items served at a wedding or on hiring a certain DJ because they were paying for it.

Personally I think parents that do that sort of thing are incredibly selfish, but they are within their rights to say how they want the money spent and withdraw it if it’s not being spent that way. It’s as simple as not writing the check.

We see these types of things play out over and over in various scenarios. Parents are willing to pay for college but not if their kid wants to major in dance. Parents will pay for an apartment for their child but not if they want to live with their SO. Parents will pay for a car but they get to choose what type of car it is. 

This is why adult children end up needing to cut the purse strings. Because many parents will feel like they can dictate their children’s lives to them as long as they are funding things.

In this case, if I were the OP I would have an honest conversation with my parents about what I do and don’t want for my own wedding. I’d say, “If you are willing to contribute money, we would be much more grateful to spend it on a photographer than all of these guests who I’m uncomfortable having at my wedding.” Hopefully the parents will take into consideration what their daughter wants for her own wedding and agree. But if they don’t, you can’t take their money and spend it on something they don’t want to use it for. 

Post # 26
Member
573 posts
Busy bee

If you want control of the guest list you need to pay for your wedding yourselves. If you can’t afford it right now well maybe you should postpone the wedding for a while in order to save up the money.

Post # 27
Member
1642 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I see a few options here.

1) stand your ground and take no money from your parents. You pay your day your rules.

2) compromise and invite aunts and uncles but not cousins. I have tons of cousins and it was established long ago the cousins don’t get invited but aunts and uncles do.

3) I know this one is controversal in the US, but in the UK people like the parents’ friends would be on the evening invite. Can you do that. Have the 50 for the ceremony and meal and then invite everyone else for 7pm to have drinks, dancing and then offer a buffet at 9pm?

Post # 28
Member
993 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

kate01199 :  take off the rose coloured glasses bee

if you don’t want to invite these people, do not take the money from your parents. It’s quite that simple and there’s no way around inviting these people if you do take the money from your parents.

Post # 29
Member
1501 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Don’t invite these people. Go without your mom’s money if she won’t provide it if you don’t invite those people. You’ll enjoy you’re wedding more if you decided the guest list. 

Post # 30
Member
1707 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

kate01199 :  in your parents offer to pay, they are essentially trying to buy control over you and make you balk on you and your FH husband.. 

Better start now with establishing boundaries and saying ‘no’. You do not need to validate your decision. If you don’t want certain individuals at your wedding, that is your choice, and if your FH agrees with you? All the more reason to stick to your guns. 

‘Thanks for the offer but for our wedding we really want to stick to 50 guests’

‘but this that and the other thing’

‘I understand but we’re going in a different direction’ *next topic*

‘but so on and so forth’

‘Im not discussing this further with you’ *walk away, hang up, whatever is necessary*

Be kind, polite, but firm. 

Good luck!

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