(Closed) Is there a polite way to request just money?

posted 9 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 17
Member
2192 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I am not agreeing with the word of mouth or not registering.  I feel like there is no polite way to ask for money as a gift, especially a wedding where the gifts, like said above, are there to start your new life together and not finance whatever it is you fancy.

Register at BBB or JC Penney where the return policy is for cash and not store credit.  You will save yourself some grief and everyone else won’t be gasping at your asking for money.

 

Post # 18
Member
4753 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I agree don’t register and have your moms and wedding party spread the word. That’s what we’re doing.

Post # 19
Member
13 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I agree with @malisa0607 – I feel like there is a slow cultural shift happening.

I too am of Asian descent (East Indian) – and find that at Asian, south Asian, Italian, Mid-Eastern etc. weddings it is so common to just give cheques/cash/gift cards. White North Americans seem to slowly be making this move as well as more and more couples live together pre-marriage. I find the ‘rudeness’ factor is really only prevalent in communities which hold “traditional” values such as registeries but ironically, let go of the reasons behind those values – which are also “traditional” such as, no pre-marital sex, no living together before marriage, getting married at a young age etc. 

So considering your particular community will be necessary in determining how to phrase it properly. In my community once you say ‘No boxed gifts please’ or ‘Envelopped gifts preferred’ people get the message loud and clear. I personally don’t care when a couple asks for cash 1) I think its so practical in today’s world and 2) saves me the headache of going on their registry and saves them the headache from getting tons of boxes that ultimately just go to waste and harm the environment… and really from a person who doesn’t find it “rude” – go ahead with the cute poems, I love any form of art, it’s creative and the poems made me smile 🙂 

Post # 20
Member
647 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

There’s never a polite way to ask for cash.  You can do what above posters have suggested and put in a “cutesy” poem – but that still doesn’t make it polite, and it still won’t result in people giving you cash if they just don’t want to give it.

I don’t understand why people think their guests are so confused as to whether or not cash would be an acceptable gift.  I don’t think great Aunt Sue sits down and says “hmm, they didn’t register, but they didn’t ask for cash outright, so I’m just not sure if they’d appreciate a check from me… what to do…”  Everyone knows that cash is an acceptable alternative to a boxed gift.  I think the reality is that a lot of people (depending on your culture) are just uncomfortable giving straight out cash and that’s just the way it is.  No amount of requests for cash will change that.  I think the only polite way is to not register, and spread via word of mouth, only when ASKED, that you didn’t register because you have no need for gifts as you are trying to downsize and save for a move.  You’ll still get gifts from those who don’t like giving cash, but at least you won’t have offended anyone by asking flat out that they open their wallets and pony up.

Post # 21
Member
1126 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

There’s definitely no polite way to ask for money.  There are registries online that are cash funds, you can do it “down payment” or something like that.  You could also mention that you’d love gift cards to Home Depot or something, to help with renovations.  Otherwise rely on word of mouth, and spread the news to your parents and bridal parties.  Regardless of how cute or well-intentioned the method of asking, there’s really no tactful way to do it.  And you can always return things you don’t want, which is a perk of registering because then things come from the same store.

Post # 22
Member
10635 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2011

I don’t really see a huge difference between informing people where you’re registered and letting them know that you would appreciate a contribution towards your own place.  I wouldn’t have an issue if someone placed it on their website.

Post # 23
Member
4885 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

No offense meant to PP’s, but man do I hate those “cute” poems asking for money.  It’s not adorable or clever in the slightest.  It’s   Maybe its regional, but I’ve never seen this and if I did I would strongly consider declining the invitation just for this reason.  I’m pretty sure that not registering for anything is a clear message, and people will naturally give cash as a result.  But jeez, I’m sorry – just don’t think a wedding should be used for fundraising.

Post # 24
Member
7294 posts
Busy Beekeeper

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@KristenGotMarried:  i don’t like those poems either and therefore i would never use one, but i would never dream of not attneding an event or refuse to get someone a gift because of how they made their invitations.  especially if it someone close to me.

Post # 25
Member
4885 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

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@dynamic_duo:  Depends on the level of friendship for me. Of course I’d never decline a close friend, but I’m pretty turned off by requests for cash, especially in this economy and with gas at $4.25/gallon.  I want to support people for sure, but if they have the balls to ask for money, its a huge turn off.

Post # 26
Member
7294 posts
Busy Beekeeper

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@KristenGotMarried: i understand why a lot of people are put off by money requests (well sort of), but i am not at all. i am happy to give whatever is needed, and personally, i prefer to give cash when it is asked for – its easy and i know its what they want. sometimes when i give cash or gift card for people who don’t specifically ask for it, then it makes me feel lazy and like i didn’t put enough effort into the gift! so i appreciate cash requests. also, i think you might have seen on another thread that for my shower everyone contributed to one expensive gift. i got that idea from another shower i went to where the invite just said to contribute towards the gift which i happily did and then we saw the gift unveiled at the shower, it was cool. 

though i do find those money poems cheesy and phony!

Post # 27
Member
1692 posts
Bumble bee

You probably want to consider the sensitivities of your family and friends, before you resort even to just the “word of mouth” method of requesting cash. You know whether your own friends and family would be disgusted by the implication — but your future family probably has members with perceptions and prejudices that you don’t yet fully understand. Those notions might include the view that anyone who needs to rely on the charity of their friends to move out, might not have the financial stability they expect as prerequisite to establishing a family. It is to be hoped that they keep such thoughts to themselves, but even if no-one says anything to you, it’s better not to give them cause to think it.

By the same logic, I think guests should take into account that NOT everyone considers cash an acceptable alternative to a boxed gift. My (now “ex”-) sister-in-law has alienated most of my nephews, and even some of her own grand-children with that idea, since for the most part we move in circles that still follow the old-fashioned notion that “A gift should be precious for something better than its price” (as George Routledge puts it in his classic manual). A “tip” — even, or perhaps especially, a generous one — in those circles implies either a superior-to-inferior relationship, or a cool impersonal relationship, or both. Better to know your own friends than rely on misleading advice about anything’s being universally acceptable.

Post # 28
Member
7996 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Just don’t register.  We did not register anywhere- and everyone but 2 couples gave us cash or gift cards to useful places like Target.    So we only had 2 “real” presents to open, but lots of checks to cash.  Of course, don’t do this if this is not the norm in your social circles.  In ours, it’s pretty typical that people give cash/checks anyway, so it worked out fine.

Post # 29
Member
1746 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

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@monkeybear: Thank you for this opinion. I totally I agree. Cultures should definitely be taken into account. I’m Russian and the idea and implication of most of the weddings I’ve been to is that a cash gift goes toward the downpayment on a house.

Honestly, the way things are progressing, I’m really tired of the gasps about cash as a gift. For all of the unique and creative ideas here on the bee from brides that balk at traditional wedding notions, sometimes I find the responses so rigid and dare I say, passe. 

Also, I just have to vent but It’s 2011, and no offense but stop clutching your pearls about a little poem. However cheesy, it’s just a dang poem. It didn’t slap your momma.

 

Post # 30
Member
7294 posts
Busy Beekeeper

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@LuckyJuls: i apologize if my comment offended you about the poems, i just meant it as my personal opinion that i was not a fan of them because i think they sound phony and weird. so i would personally would not use it. the same way i might not choose one favor or decoration over another. i would not judge someone for using it and i am totally with you on thinking its time to get with the times and accept that cash gifts are okay to ask for!  if i saw a poem on an invitation, i would not think twice about it and be happy that getting a gift was made simple for me!   i also think that people on here are a little rigid on some of these etiquette issues!

Post # 31
Member
685 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Be careful when telling people “we don’t need anything so we didn’t register” assuming that you will get cash.  Some of my guests have assumed that means bring nothing at all, not even a card of congrats….one guest said “Oh you guys don’t need anything?  Awesome, Well, I’ll buy ya a beer one night”  lol   Great, I love beer, especially the free ones!  hahahaa

  But, just beware, that if you are purposely NOT registering so you’ll get cash…not everyone will know that’s what they’re suposed to do <—-and by suposed to I do not mean obligated. :  )

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