Post # 31
I just discovered the honeymoon registry concept while planning our cruise, and I was like what in the world?!
I also dislike when people include a disclaimer in their invites that they don’t want gifts, but would gladly take a honeymoon donation. I saw a poem on Pinterest for that and I thought it was really distasteful.
Post # 32
Not that a second wedding is any less important to the people getting married, but to everyone else, I would say it is. There is typically a kind of “been there, done that, got the divorce papers” attitude from everyone else. When my aunt remarried she did it a friend’s house on Halloween (in costume) and had a friend officiate. It was both of their second marriages, so they just had fun with it. I’m not sure if any family was invited, but I don’t think people minded much since it was her second go around. I’m just glad she is happier with my now-Uncle.
As for Bob and his fiancee, I understand his parents not wanting to shell out anymore money considering how much they paid for the first one. Especially since Bob is an adult in his 30s, now. His Fiance sounds like she either needs to try passing the wedding collection plate around to her own relatives or grow-the-frick-up. If they can’t afford a big wedding now, they need to save or go small, simple as that.
Post # 33
Thank you for the responses. It is interesting to read how people view the second marriages, especially those that have been through it.
I can see how Bob’s fiancee wants the big wedding since she has not had one. However, I also see my aunt and uncle’s point of view. It wasn’t like they announced to the world that they would not contribute to his second wedding. I found out through my cousin, his sister. The parents gave the same amount toward each of their kids’ weddings so it sounded like they wanted to make it clear not to come to them asking to pony up again.
I do think in this case, the whole family isn’t thrilled about this upcoming second marriage because Bob’s first wife was loved so much by everyone. He’s the one that asked for the divorce (not that it should matter) and she didn’t want it. My aunt and uncle treated her like one of their daughters and were heartbroken when they divorced. I too think his ex wife is kind of seen as the victim in this case and has gathered a lot of sympathy. Obviously no one knows exactly what goes on behind closed doors, but they seemed like a very happy couple and she was blindsided by his request for a divorce.
We all spend a lot of money on them between shower gifts, bachelorette party gifts and a wedding gift. I know it’s wrong to feel this way but I feel like since I gave them so much the first time, that I don’t want to give as much this time. I guess “been there, done that” is how I’m feeling. I’m pretty close to Bob and haven’t told him how I feel. He also was not and is not willing to talk about why his marriage ended, so I have always respected his privacy in this matter. I feel bad, yet I don’t feel bad.
As far as his new fiancee calling out everyone on FB, I hate to say it, but it made me like her a lot less than I did. No one has outright said they don’t support their upcoming marriage, but I think she is nuts to expect his family to contribute anything. She has always compared herself to his ex wife (according to his sister, my cousin) and is trying to one-up his first wedding, which is impossible without a huge financial contribution from their parents. I don’t know if it’s her trying to “prove” herself or what, but my family is really annoyed with her right now.
Post # 34
I think it really depends on how the family feels about the new husband/wife. If the family likes them, there’s excitement. If the family doesn’t like them for whatever reason, the excitement won’t be there. I guess it’s entirely circumstantial.
Your explanation definitely sheds a bit more light on the issue.
Post # 35
I find some of these responses rather judegmental.
I’ve not been married before, but my partner has. He loved her completely, he believed it was forever. She’d been unwell and he looked after her, swore he’d do it forever. Only a few months into their marriage, she was unfaithful and left him for somebody else. He didn’t do anything wrong. We are planning on getting married and I’d be so sad for him to hear that his parents and family weren’t excited for him beccause they’ve already witnessed him promise to love and honour someone else.
It just so happens that his parents are thrilled. They’ve confided in me that they’re so much excited and enthusiastic about it because it’s so much bigger this time. I’m not talking about the wedding, that’s going to be tiny. But it’s bigger for my boyfriend because he wasn’t sure he’d ever do it again, he’s older, he’s wiser and so many things have changed.
Similarly, my older brother got married years ago. After a decade of being married, his wife said she was no longer in love with him. He was a broken man. It broke the hearts of my whole family seeing him so hurt. He said he’d never marry again. Now he’s settled down with an incredible girl and I’m really good friends with her. I love her to bits and can’t wait to see them marry, and I’m so much more excited for him this time around than the last. My family are too, though I can’t speak for his friends.
It’s a shame Bob’s family aren’t as excited for him this time around, but I appreciate this may have something to do with the circumstances. I feel for his fiancée for not being able to have the wedding of her dreams, but neither of them should be expecting contributions from family whether he’s been married before or not. That’s just bad manners!
Post # 36
My SO and I have both been married before and honestly if you have a problem with supporting my second marriage, then you have NO BUSINESS being there anyway! One less place setting that I have to pay for!
My issue with the cousin / fiance is the expectation that someone else has to pay for it, whether it is your 1st wedding or your 10th you want it, you pay for it.
Post # 37
They can have the fanciest wedding that they want if they pay for it. I’d expect a man in his 30s to be able to pay for it, and her own family could pay for it if they wanted. Having a second marriage after divorce is never an ideal situation. It’s in poor taste for the bride to air her frustrations with funding on social media.
Post # 38
frankly, no one owes her and Bob money for their wedding.. doesn’t really matter if its their first or second. Yeah, its unfair that they spent their entire wedding budget on Bob’s first wedding, but that’s not their fault–he’s the one who vowed that this would be his one and only wedding ever. How were they supposed to knwo that they should have saved half of the budget for her?
Post # 39
I have been married before and in no way, shape or form did I expect anyone to be as excited as they were for my first marriage. Happy for me? Absolutely! Excited? Not so much.
I always told men I dated that we were a package deal- me, my two kids, and my tubal ligation.
I do feel a little bit sorry for the new Fiance, but unfortunately, Bob and his previous marriage are a package deal. Unfortunately, she is not gaining support complaining on Facebook.
Bob and his Fiance, and her parents if they so desire, can pay for this marriage, His parents owe him nothing.
Post # 40
I’m sure no one has ever mistaken you for being happy for anyone else. Too many opportunities in this life for you to judge others, I expect.
Post # 41
Wow. Lots of cynics and judgement here. it was my H’s 2nd marriage and my first. Nothing but excitement and love from his family/friends and mine. We are in our 30s and appreciated any gifts given, but did not as for help with the wedding. I had a shower and I’d like to think my wonderful friends and family were there because they love me amd were excited for us. When I’m invited to a shower, I’m happy to be spending some time with the bride knowing how hard it will be for her to spend mich time socializing at the wedding.
Being happy for people feels so much better than shaming them for choosing happiness over stubbornly sticking to vows when it means a life of misery and a loveless marriage. i don’t think too many people divorce without a lot of unhappiness and despair. i think it’s a beautiful thing to see someone take another chance and have love in their life again.
Post # 42
In general, I think so. Fiance is mid-forties and has a lot of divorced friends who are engaged a second time or remarrying, and there’s just not the same buzz. But they also don’t seem to have that same excitment either – not in a bad way, just in a different way. They’re older and more settled, and all come in from previous marriages.
My second wedding is a little different because I’ll be 32, it’s going to be 4 years since I was first married (we separated after a year), and it’s going to be FI’s first wedding. I think his friends and family will have the same excitement, but I think outside of my closest friends and family (who ADORE Fiance and are so happy we’re together) I don’t think anyone’s going to have the same excitement as the first wedding either. And truthfully, I don’t either. I’m SO happy to be marrying Fiance, but it just feels…so much more comfortable this time around. I’m just happy to have a lovely day with our closest people. There’s none of that “MUST DO/HAVE” buzz from the first time. It’s simpler and happier IMO!
Post # 43
Personally, my excitement level would depend on the circumstances. I have a couple of cousins whose marriages ended in a bad way, and each time it was their spouse’s fault. If they remarried, I would be thrilled that they found happiness with someone new and excited to celebrate the marriage. However, if someone’s first marriage broke up as a result of their cheating like Bob’s seems to have done, I would be significantly less excited for them and far more cynical. Either way, I would take amounts spent on the first wedding into consideration on some level when determining how much to spend on a gift unless the first wedding was a really long time (10+) years ago.
Bob’s fiancee sounds like a peach. Calling your future in-laws out on Facebook is a great idea and guaranteed to foster future family harmony, not to mention it’ll get you the $20k you want for your wedding, amirite?
Post # 44
It all depends.
In your situation (and others like it), yes. I can totally get why a lot of people are less-than-enthused about this extra go-around.
However, there are just as many second weddings where people are positively thrilled. Like instances where everyone hated/couldn’t stand the first spouse; the eloped without a wedding and without any family or friends present the first time; family members never even got to know the first spouse; etc etc.
It’s all relative.
Post # 45
Yep. People on here like to get incredibly judgmental about second marriages like the divorce rate in the U.S. ISN’T over 50% or something. Ha! It’s a pretty immature attitude. Not many people go into a marriage thinking it will end in divorce yet it does to more than HALF of us, so stop with the holier than thou BS because you’ll want people excited for you when your practice marriages are over and you’ve moved on to your real ones. What? Don’t like the attitude? Sorry.
Seriously, though, an old coworker of mine and I started referring to our first marriages as our “practice marriages” and it’s stuck. I now use it when referring to marriages that seem like they’re headed straight for the clerk of courts office for a Notice of Motion and Motion. 😏