(Closed) Is there an acceptable time to propose during wedding weekend?

posted 4 years ago in Guests
Post # 61
Member
2885 posts
Sugar bee

I would talk to your cousin and ask that he propose after your wedding. Yes, I understand brides only get “a day,” but obviously if he proposes the day before your wedding, it’ll take away some of the excitement that would be geared towards your special day and redirect it to him, and not all in a good way. Some tongues will wag at the audacity. Not to mention, I’d imagine his gf would not be thrilled, because that means her engagement is competing with your wedding. I wouldn’t care for that, and I’m sure she won’t either. If he waits to propose until after your wedding, preferably after you leave for your honeymoon, it’s acceptable and it becomes him using the mountain scenery and the chance to celebrate with family in one place. But if he tries to do it before, it just makes him an insensitive jerk who knows nothing of etiquette or being considerate of other’s feelings.

Post # 62
Member
51 posts
Worker bee

Is there any way he can propose on Monday. Extend his weekend with his girlfriend and use the scenery once your wedding weekend is over, if it’s the scenery he loves? Not sure I like the idea of using guests that are there for your wedding to celebrate his/their engagement. His girlfriend might feel uncomfortable if he proposes during your celebration too. I’d be a bit weirded out if happened during my celebration. I wouldn’t like it if my other half would propose at someone else’s wedding. Really polite word so he doesn’t do it?

Post # 63
Member
9384 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

I’ve been a guest at weddings and found out a mutual close friend was engaged.  Everyone said congrats and oooh-ed and ahhh-ed over her ring, and we chatted about what their wedding plans were.  Oh no, you’re thinking–this is exactly what you want to avoid–how dare anyone talk about your cousins wedding on YOUR weekend.  But I can promise you during these gaps no one is going to talk about you the entire weekend anyway. 

I have *never* spent an entire wedding (much less wedding weekend) talking about the bride and groom–MOST of the conversation is catching up with friends–finding out about their pregnancies, their engagements, their graduations, their new houses, new jobs, new boyfriends, their parents health, whatever.. but seriously aside from “she looks lovely” no one talks about the bride and groom when they’re not around.  And your friends and family aren’t automatons that sit quietly waiting for you to engage them. 

But I can also promise you that any moment when people *should* be paying attention to bride and groom–the ceremony, speeches, first dance, etc.. everyone is quietly paying attention as appropriate.

 

Post # 64
Member
4095 posts
Honey bee

I’d say “hey cousin. if you want to propose during a weekend full of activities we paid for…how about you take over paying for the brunch and we can make that your engagement brunch?” I mean seriously, I think its icky to take away from a weekend you’ve planned and paid for and use you in that way. I think proposing on Sunday after the wedding would be okay, but he should not be using events like your brunch to celebrate his engagement. That is rude, and I’d honestly have a conversation about it. I’d be as nice as possible, but I would point out that you’ve paid for all these events and it doesn’t feel fair to have him get the benefit of using your time, effort, and money for his own purpose.

Post # 65
Member
1193 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1995

View original reply
amanda1988 :  But did they get engaged an hour or a day before the wedding?  It’s one thing for them to get engaged well before the event and be congratulated.  But, to do it the same day or at the event really takes away the attention from the bride and groom.  

Post # 66
Member
587 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

What could be better for him than proposing to his sweetheart in the mountains?? It’s almost as good for him as the free stay in the mountains! And after he’s proposed, it’ll be so great for him to celebrate with all his family! 

Your cousin is being tacky and rude AF. I would tell him that you’ve heard through the grapevine (or have your mom reach out) his plans for the weekend, and he really ought to think through how special it won’t be for his girlfriend. She won’t get to share the moment with her own family, or even celebrate properly, as the focus of the whole weekend will be on the B&G. 

Post # 67
Member
9384 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

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PaperQueen :  i don’t think so, but no one knew they were engaged until the wedding when we saw her ring.  That’s when we found out their proposal story, etc..

Post # 68
Member
395 posts
Helper bee

I think it is tacky of him to propose during the wedding weekend, but as long as he doesn’t do it on your wedding day or during one of the actual events, I would not say anything. If I were his Girlfriend, I would be soooo annoyed. And his comment about “we’ll celebrate our engagement with your wedding” is quite rude. Rest assured that if he tries to make things all about him and his fiancee on your big day, most of your family and other guests will be side-eyeing that so hard. 

Post # 69
Member
924 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

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therollingclones :  your cousin is ridiculous! no problem proposing the day after the wedding but i seriously would hope he would not do this during your reception!!! JUST NO!!!!!  

Post # 70
Member
47 posts
Newbee

I seem to be in the minority here, but I see this completely differently. He lives 12 hours away, so he probably only comes back for special occasions. This is a chance to be surrounded by family gathered in love to celebrate and make memories, which doesn’t happen all that often when everyone is far apart. I don’t read in the op where this has anything to do with money or taking advantage financially to get out of having an engagement party. I think it would be fun to be in on the proposal, like, “How blessed am I that I am having this wonderful weekend to celebrate my own special day, my family is all around me, and I get to be sneaky and have a hand in my cousin’s surprise proposal.” I’d be all over that; best memory ever, it’s a win-win!

Post # 71
Member
2066 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

“I’ve been a guest at weddings and found out a mutual close friend was engaged.  Everyone said congrats and oooh-ed and ahhh-ed over her ring, and we chatted about what their wedding plans were.  Oh no, you’re thinking–this is exactly what you want to avoid–how dare anyone talk about your cousins wedding on YOUR weekend.  But I can promise you during these gaps no one is going to talk about you the entire weekend anyway.”

I hear you, and mostly agree. It’s not that everyone should be solely talking about and focusing on the bride and groom the entire weekend. Life goes on, even at a wedding weekend. Certainly, I don’t think an engagement, pregnancy, etc. should be kept a secret just because it’s someone else’s wedding weekend. However, it’s the cousin’s intentions that irk me — “It’s my cousin’s wedding. I’ll propose so that it can be both my cousin’s wedding and my engagement celebration!” That’s just wrong.

Post # 72
Member
303 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I would not be ok with this at all!  If he must do it that weekend, he should do it on Sunday, after all wedding events are over.  

When my husband proposed last summer, he did it the weekend after we returned from his cousin’s out of state wedding.  He confessed after the proposal that he had planned to do it the previous weekend, when we were together with the entire family, but that the insurance on my ring hadn’t come through yet, and he didn’t want to travel or give me the ring without insurance on it.  I was mortified at the thought of him proposing during his cousin’s wedding weekend, I couldn’t imagine stealing her thunder like that.  DH, of course, was clueless, and couldn’t understand why that wouldn’t have been ok, as we were all together, and could have celebrated both events all together!  Um, no!  Thank goodness my ring insurance stoped it!

Post # 74
Member
7351 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

I would be annoyed about his presumption and rudeness and I would likely call my cousin directly to discuss it. But I was going to suggest the same thing as several other PPs- I’d call and let him know that I’d heard that he wanted to propose at the wedding weekend and that I was happy for him. I would then make it clear that turning an event I paid for into something about him wasn’t very well thought out but that the setting is gorgeous and if he’s really serious about it, I’d be happy to let him know the cost of the Sunday brunch so he could pay the expense (to be paid in full before the wedding) and do it there.

Otherwise, he’d be better off waiting and making his own plan on his own time and dime.

Post # 75
Member
2701 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

View original reply
therollingclones :  I understand why you are uncomfortable with this.  While it’s true you only get one day, it’s also true that you don’t hijack someone else’s event – wedding, birthday party, shower, work promotion happy hour – to propose or announce your big news.  I can understand him wanting to do it at a time when all your family is together, but it does kinda sound like he wants to piggy-back off your events, which isn’t cool. 

Maybe there is some good compromise here.  What are your Sunday activities after brunch?  Maybe he could do it during one of those?  Then you could call him up, say that you heard through the grapevine that he wants to propose during your wedding weekend and offer to help plan/coordinate something during one of the day after activities.  This would ensure he doesn’t do it before or during your wedding or before or during the brunch you are hosting.  And maybe he could even take over planning and paying for one of those activities so it doesn’t feel like he’s hijacked your event.

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