Is there any way to step down nicely as a BM?

posted 3 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 2
Member
5771 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

Honestly I don’t think there is. The chances are it will be hard to maintain a close friendship after stepping down as a bridesmaid.  Are you okay with that? 

Post # 3
Member
139 posts
Blushing bee

I had a Bridesmaid or Best Man step down. Her parents had divorced messily, and she was uncomfortable with the idea of any marriage. She was open about her reasons, and I respected that. Our friendship has not been damaged 🙂

Post # 4
Member
89 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

Could you say something to her along the lines of, “I am very honored to have been asked to be in your bridal party.  I care about you a lot and want you to have your nearest and dearest at your side, and I feel like our relationship has shifted a little since you asked.  I still love you and support you, but would prefer to attend your wedding as a guest and allow someone else the honor of being your bridesmaid.”  If she’s really regetting it, it gives her an easy out.  If she’s not and asks you to stay… well that gets tricky… 

Post # 5
Member
192 posts
Blushing bee

I stepped down as Bridesmaid or Best Man once. However, it was messy. The bride was infuriated that I couldn’t make it to her bachelorette party anymore because I’d accepted an internship in Miami…her bach party was in New Orleans. After essentially cussing me out and telling me what a horrible friend I had been…I told her I’d no longer be in her wedding and wished her the best.

Obviously a lot messier than your situation. HOWEVER – weddings are a HUGE time and money commitment and if you aren’t really feeling like you’re 100% invested in it, you shouldn’t do it. I would say to be prepared to suffer any consequences stepping down might create. Probably would’ve been easier to have not accepted in the first place…but this is life. We can’t control it all. 

Good luck.

Post # 6
Member
2569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

View original reply
secretlifeofbees :  To echo another PP: Stepping down may not be consequence free. Are you okay with that?

Post # 7
Member
535 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

View original reply
secretlifeofbees :  If you are sure that you BOTH feel like the friendship is drifting then this won’t be bad at all! You can just say “Hey bride, I’m really sorry but I think that it would be best if I wasn’t a bridesmaid. I just don’t feel that we are as close as we used to be and I know I won’t put my all into being there for you on your wedding day, and you deserve a bridesmaid that’s fully there for you.”

Post # 8
Member
644 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

As PPs have said, and without really knowing too much background information, it really depends on how you see the future of your friendship. If you have pretty much checked out and are fine with the friendship potentially ending, then go ahead and step down. But, if this is someone you were close enough to to be asked to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man and accept, then it may be worth having a heart-to-heart to try and work things out.

Post # 9
Member
1023 posts
Bumble bee

By telling her nicely, do you mean is there anyway I can tell her I want to step down without upsetting her?

Probably not.

All the suggestions about telling her you want her to have somebody who is “really there” for her… it’s like the bridesmaid equivalent of “it’s not you, it’s me”.

Why do you feel like your relationship is changing?

Are you sure it is not just your biased perception?

Has she done or said anything that makes you think she doesn’t want you as a BM?

Post # 10
Member
2660 posts
Sugar bee

If you had external reasons why you wanted to step down then yes.. Issues like money, anxiety, family/personal issues etc. could provide a non-hurtful and reasonable explanation. Even then though, in an ideal situation the bride wouldn’t be expecting anything more than having you with her on the day (rather than insisting you strain your finances etc. in order to be in the wedding party) 

But since you want to step down specifically based on your friendship with her, there’s not really an easy way to do it. 

It’s hard to know if there’s a way you can delicately twist the truth without knowing more about your situation. 

Post # 11
Member
7694 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

This is going to depend on a lot of factors. How close is the wedding and will she be able to find someone else in time? Do you have a GOOD reason for stepping down (this can be true or a stretch, so long as it sounds good – you are very stressed because of work and cannot devote the time you wanted to, you have a financial crisis and cannot afford to be in the wedding, etc.)? 

From your post, it is difficult to tell whether or not you mind if the relationship with the bride would be damaged. It might be, and you need to be prepared for that, but depending on what is making you feel this way, that might be okay. 

Post # 12
Member
24 posts
Newbee

I agree with the advice to tie the backing-out to a tangible reason, even if it is a bit of a white lie. I’d say try and have this conversation in person (or FaceTime or something) and offer to help in a different way that you think might still be meaningful for her and more appropriate to where you feel your friendship is at. I’d also make sure you were 100% sure (hard to take back a take-back) and tell her ASAP. 

Post # 13
Member
692 posts
Busy bee

No…

Post # 14
Member
274 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Is there any chance of discussing your concerns with the bride first, before escalating to stepping out of the bridal party? 

 

Post # 15
Member
2006 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
secretlifeofbees : I think a lot of it comes down to how ong there is left until the wedding.
If there is still a year to go then sure, I don’t think it’s THAT much of a big deal but if there is only, like, 2 months, then I think it would be a crappy move to step down now.

You mentioned you think she might be regretting asking you…why is that?
Have you spoken to her about it?

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