(Closed) Is there really something wrong with me? Or is it him?

posted 5 years ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
4980 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

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fresitachulita :  Your DH is an ass.  Sorry has to be said.  Dealing with toddlers is no easy picnic.  I personally would tell your DH you are taking a day to yourself and let him deal with them.  Also it sounds like you both could use couple counseling.  And your Mother-In-Law needs to find a new place to live.  

Post # 3
Member
343 posts
Helper bee

I stopped reading very early on. Take yourself on a nice effing vacation where you can destress and leave the kids with his lame ass so he can see how difficult it is to deal with two twins all on his own.

Post # 4
Member
1277 posts
Bumble bee

Is he open to couples counseling?  And how feasible is a housekeeper for you guys? For starters. 

Post # 5
Member
1030 posts
Bumble bee

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fresitachulita :  was he always this critical? could it be the stress of living with your mother in law plus becoming a parent or do you think this is just genuinely his personality? it sounds like he’s unwilling to accept any responsibility for the way things are and people tend to do that when they’re unhappy and don’t know what to do about it. i know it sucks, because i don’t think an issue is ever 100% one person’s fault in a relationship, but maybe you could frame therapy as a way to deal with the issues you have surrounding you. like, instead of it being a “we have problems” or “i’m not happy” thing could you spin it as a “you seem unhappy with me a lot of the time, i want to make you happy, let’s fix it”.

i know this is probably a super unpopular opinion but i’m married to a guy who is very into 50/50 housework, equality, and pretty in touch with his feelings, and there are still times when i can tell that it’s harder for him to understand why he feels a certain way than it ever is for me. i’m not saying all men are like this or all women aren’t, but i do think it’s a more common trait in guys. the good thing about our situation is that we don’t yell, and he doesn’t respond to that discomfort with criticisim, we just talk it through and figure it out. we get to the root of why he feels stressed or irritated, and then we fix it! now, all that said, the way your guy is treating you isn’t ok. no one deserves to be criticized 24/7, especially someone who is doing literally everything they can to keep a super full life running. he’s not being appreciative of all you do or respectful, and i don’t think his behavior is ok. BUT, if you otherwise know him to be a fantastic guy, and this is a new thing happening after him becoming a new father and living with his wife and mother who don’t get along, maybe he’s just exhibiting his emotions in a really shitty and unproductive way, and maybe therapy will help. it concerns me that you said you had issues pre-marriage, because if this is just who he is at his core i’m not sure what your next move is. 

Post # 6
Member
1286 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

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Sassygrn :  Just what i was about to say.

Leave him for a day with the twins, he’ll be BEGGING you to come home.

Post # 7
Member
254 posts
Helper bee

Do you have to work 40 hours a week? That sounds pretty intense whilst also trying to raise two year old twins and run a house-hold. I know when I am busy, tired and stressed, life is just so much harder.  Can you and your husband make any lifestyle changes to invest more time into your relationship and family? 

Post # 8
Member
549 posts
Busy bee

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fresitachulita :  his mom needs to leave. Now. 

We just got to year three with our twin nephews…. I watched them recently they played quietly for the first time and my Future Mother-In-Law and I were able to chat and watch them talk to each other and imagine. Sounds like your boys are just like my nephews. There is no off switch. Energiser bunnies. 

It gets easier but having a third adult in the home having an opinion on anything doesn’t work. It doesn’t work when you can’t communicate freely in your own home together and lastly who the hell wants to get all dolled up after washing dirt off their sons and finally getting them to nap so you can have a moment alone with your SO…. when your mother in law is there???

As PP have said….but I am going to up it one level…. leave him with their weekend routine one day and tell him it all has to get done because that is what you do and they need a consistent routinr and you go away with your girlies.

Post # 9
Member
2065 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I think what you need to do is be a little more confident about yourself, about your needs, about your point of view. Don’t be afraid to say to him that you need some time off, that you’re going to the mall / the cinema / to get a manicure / whatever you need and that your DH is babysitting the twins from x to y. Tell him that if he wants a happy wife then he needs to give you time to be a woman, not juste a mother. Try not entering into arguments with him.. saying ”I’d appreciate it if you didn’t criticize me” and leaving it at that. Try agreeing with him but turning it around on him – saying ”Yes, your mother and I have a communication problem. But no, you don’t need to stay out of it, what you need is to get in the middle of it and resolve it, because I’m your wife and she’s your mother, and you are the person that links us, so you need to be the mediator here.”  Don’t try to be perfect.. there’s no such thing as a perfect wife or a perfect mother or a perfect woman. Instead be YOU and be confident that your needs are valid. Again, you can agree with him and say ”Yes, I’m exhausted and frustrated, so do me a favor and babysit while I go and take some time out.” Say ”Are you offering to cook while I have a hot shower and put that smile back on my face? Thanks so much for that.”

Your husband is clearly as unhappy with the situation as you are, but he’s going about fixing it the wrong way… he’s criticizing you instead of finding a solution with you. So try and brush aside the criticizm and turn it into a ”finding a solution” discussion.

Post # 10
Member
2065 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I just re-read your post and ”other times he just wants to drop it and it wont’ get resolved” – You don’t have to accept that. Tell him that it’s important to you to resolve it because otherwise you will resent him.. and make sure he gets on board with that. If he says ”It’s always about you” , say ”yes, clearly it is, because there are things you aren’t happy with – my tiredness etc, so you’re making it about me. So lets resolve it by doing x and not doing y..” He doesn’t have to have the final say – You can have the final say. You can also tell him point blank that his mother needs to move out if that will help your relationship.

Post # 11
Member
1669 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: Malibou Lake Mountain Club

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fresitachulita :  oh honey, i just want to hug you. I honestly think you are an amazingly strong hard working woman. You have been dealing with so much (MIL, stress about your Father’s illness), your husband’s lack of support, and twins with their terrible twos. Honestly, you are ENTITLED to being tired and thensome. You work full time not only as a nurse but a MOM! OF TWINS! Dont let your hubby or Mother-In-Law take that away from you. 

The one that needs to change is him. HE needs to take on A LOT of responsibilities. He needs to step it up as a dad, he needs to be your ally when it comes to your Mother-In-Law. If hes unhappy about something, he CANNOT take it out on you and expect you to change. 

YOU are voicing your needs; he needs to seriously do something about it immediately and respect YOUR emotions

Post # 12
Member
205 posts
Helper bee

Take your children and leave him.

 

Post # 13
Member
17 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I dont understand why you are taking on all of the homemaker and childcare responsibilities if you BOTH work full time? No wonder you are tired and stressed, you’re doing the job of 2 people. 

I would also feel serious resentment for DH if I was in your shoes. 

You need to talk to him about equal division of jobs at home. If the children mis-behave at a BBQ, that’s on both of you. If the boys through a tantrum whilst shopping, that’s on both of you too. 

You sound like a very strong, loving mother. Your husband sounds like a chauvinist. 

Post # 14
Member
1751 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

Get into councilling yourself. Years ago I wanted my husband to go (for completely different reasons than yours – there had been an explosion where he worked, some guys had died, he was feeling suicidal in the aftermath) – but he refused, saying he didn’t need councilling – it’s not something men ‘do’ .  So I went in his place. It was good for me – I got out my feelings, and it really helped our relationship. I think a councillor will help you feel better about yourself, and the amazing job you’re doing raising your sons, looking after the house, and working full time. I’d be exhausted if I was you!!

a councillor will also help you with coping skills to deal with the fighting. I’m going to guess that Mother-In-Law isn’t complaining to you – but complains to hubby about your housekeeping, or that kids aren’t disciplined right, and then he passes it all on to you. My former fiancé’ smother was like this. Thank God we never married – I left him right before the wedding – but I see so much of that relationship in your description. 

Big hugs to you! It sounds like you’re just giving giving giving – so it’s time you ‘took’ something for yourself for once. 

Post # 15
Member
6430 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

One of the fastest ways to kill love is to constantly criticize, just like your H is doing. He’s making you question your sanity. It made me really sad when you said at the end of your post that if a doctor says you need antidepressants, you don’t want your H thinking you need them to get through daily life. It shouldn’t matter to him! My DH has depression, and though he is not needing medication for it at the moment, I wouldn’t think less of him at all if he was. I don’t see it as some sign of weakness. I accept him for who he is. That is what a good spouse should do!

You guys need counseling immediately, because this is going to continue to get worse. Your Mother-In-Law is also a huge issue, and I remember your old posts about her and the conflict she causes. Your H needs to be choosing you and your kids over her. He also really needs to step up and help you with the kids. He needs to be supporting you and your discipline and rules. They’re just about at the age where they will start using you against each other to get what they want if you’re not on the same team.

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