- 5 years ago
- Wedding: July 2012
coming up on our 4 year anniversarry. Our twin boys just turned 2 in april. They are amazing little boys who overflow our hearts. My husband and I have been unders strain for some time. I’d say even before getting married. My mother in law lives with us and we’ve been at odds many, many times. My relationship with her has gone icy and distant, not helped by having children. Doesn’t feel too good and my husband has insisted he and I dont’ need counseling about it, simply it’s her and I who have a communication problem and he needs to be left out of it. I simply try not to think about her being here. I’m polite and respectful but that’s about it.
My main problem is my husband has been complaining more and more about “the way I am”. As in, I’m always tired and look stressed and frustrated when dealing with my two year olds. It’s been something that’s come up constantly. And he feels I, “Should be able to handle them”. because they are “always this way (fussy, tantrum-ey, overtired, bored, defiant, etc.)”
It becomes a major argumetn because I hate the way he sees me. Here I am trying my damndest to be the best mom and wife and he’s sitting back, not concerned, but utterly annoyed and angry that my demenor isn’t as stepford-ey as apparently what would suite him. I don’t feel like I am a huffy and puffing hot mess when I’m chasing them around like a crazy person. On the inside I sometimes think I’m gonna lose it but I have to do what I have to do. The argumetns usually start when we leave someplace, like a friends house or something…and he becomes otherwise engnaged in visiting with someoen, or a project for example…and asks me to hold it down for some time. We get in the car later and he digs into me that all I did was complain, all I do is complain, that he can see it in my face that I’m not handling things well, that I’m stressed and tired….and how much it annoys him.
My husband also yells alot. I mean alot. Him and his mom both tend to do this. It’s a slow acceleration but a conversation that involves conflict of any kind, quickly becomes me becoming so defensive because his voice is raised, alot, not a full on yell, but clearly, being shouted at. It doesn’t even have to be something about me or him. For example, my dad was recently diagnosed with liver cancer. I confided in my husband how much i’m hurting over the diagnosis, how worried I am. Express to him that I want to talk to my dad about if he will give up booze and go into treatment in an effort to keep him healthier, longer. And next thing you know he’s yelling at me about how I don’t communicate properly, and how I should have already talked to him about this last time I saw him and if I say, well too many people were around that time…he will barrel into me about how I’m too private of a person.
The critisizim is endless. I’ve triend talking to him over and over about how all this hurts me. He will say “it’s always about you, isn’t it.” Yes I could be a happier,more well adjusted wife and mom but i honestly feel like I’m doing my best here. I work full time. 40 hours a week as a nurse. I also do all the cooking, cleaning and laundry. My boys are amazing,b ut they are not easy to deal with. Disciplining them has been put upon me as well, routines are all me, me, meal planing and prep, me.
I love my husband. I do not want to separate or divorce. I want us to be happy again. He works hard too, full time + overtime most weeks. We have neough extra each month so that we can eat out a couple times a week (to give me a break) and plan activities on teh weekend, like a drive to a hikign area, or zoo, etc. He’s an amazing provider. He still desires me intensly even after the disfiguring process of carrying twins. He is loved and adored by just about everyone we know. He usually feels incredibly bad after an agrugmetn and comes to me and apologizes and sometimes suggests something we can do differlty to argue less, but there’s very little follow through. Othertimes he just wants to drop it and it never gets resolved. We go to bed mad at eachother almost every single night. Every day is a struggle.
I don’t feel like I’m depressed. I am very tired, very tired, but I don’t feel hopeless or anything like that. I do feel annoyed alot, sometimes I do snap at him before I realize I’ve done it. I sometimes drag myself in after work, and just need to get through to bedtime, dragging myself around. Other days I feel fine and want to take the boys out for a walk and make a nice dinner, etc. Some mornings are hard ont he weekend, It can take me a while to get myself going. I feel fine at work, but every now and then I feel extremly fatigued. I drink aot of caffeine. I’m 10-15 lbs or so past a healthy BMI. I have zero time to myself, everyone wants somethign from me….but that’s the life of a mom right?
If I go to the doctor and they tell me to try antidepressants…Id on’t know how I feel about that, I don’t want my hsuband thinking I need medication to cope with daily life. I want to go tot counseling, but how do I convince my husband?. he thinks we are fine and need to just work through this.