(Closed) Is there really something wrong with me? Or is it him?

posted 5 years ago in Married Life
Post # 16
833 posts
Busy bee

Your life sounds like it would be easier as a single parent, sorry. He’s a dick. I can’t believe you work 40 hours, do all the ‘handling’ of your twins and all the housework. What is his purpose? Other than dumping his pain in the ass mum on you full time as well. 

Post # 17
335 posts
Helper bee

When first reading I was assuming you were a Stay-At-Home Mom by the way he said you should have a handle on them blah blah blah. Then reading you also work full time, and as a nurse of all jobs?! Why should all the childcare fall on you? Just because he works overtime doesn’t give him a free pass. You provide for your family as well as taking care of the kids and household, so he needs to do the same.

I feel like I give this advice in all these types of threads of overworked and overtired moms but seriously, in addition to counseling as PP suggested and until you guys are able to better split childcare, I would hire a mothers helper, babysitter, part-time nanny, housekeeper, whatever you need to take the burden off you while you guys work on your issues. Take the extra money you use towards eating out during the weekdays to pay for one. I’m not sure what your situation is with the twins and who watches them while you work but if you can arrange to have a sitter watch them even just 3 days a week for 2-3 hours a day or something I think it could really help. Use that time to pamper yourself, connect with friends, go to the gym etc. And also use that time to reconnect with your husband. You can plan weekly date nights- something inexpensive but that allows you two to be childfree for a few hours. 

ETA: definitely agree with PP about leaving him with the kids for a day or two and see how it turns out. I’m sure he has no clue and hopefully it would be eye-opening for him and he would be more sympathetic to you. 

Post # 18
741 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I wouldn’t leave him with them for a day. With a temper that bad, who knows what he will do when they scream all day. Lock them in a room, smack the shit out of them, etc. he isn’t stable. I would never deal with that. There is no partnership there. It’s you doing everything while mommy gets to stay there and he gets to act like an asshole. You’re not wrong, he is and he’s fucking sick. Good luck. 

Post # 19
58 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: February 2018

Hi Bee .. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. As many PP’s have said, this is NOT on you, and since none of us are professionals, I think counseling in this situation is a must. Couples therapy would help (if you can get him to go), but I think you going to counseling is even MORE important. Having someone to talk to like that can really help you understand the situation your in, how valuable you really are, and what steps you can take to improve things. Plus, you’ll get 1-2 hours away for YOU. I’m not a mom, but I see so many of my friends forget to take care of themselves once they have kids. Taking the time to take care of you is not only great for you, but it’s great for your kids, and your marriage (if your husband gets on board and makes changes as well). Good luck! 

Post # 20
1221 posts
Bumble bee

Google the DWIL board. They will give you great advice, they’ve seen it all.

I would separate, honestly. This isn’t healthy for anyone involved.

Post # 21
2467 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

It’s not you. It’s him and his completely unreasonable expectations. I know you said you didn’t want to leave him but in your shoes I’d be saying he could pick either counseling or divorce, because something needs to change and it isn’t you.

Post # 22
1409 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

View original reply
fresitachulita :  In my culture, one spouse’s parents would often comes to live with the couple, but they would also be expected to take care of the grandkids.  When my little sister was born, my mom barely missed a beat because my grandparents (her parents) were living with us and took over.  They were the ones getting up in the middle of the night and everything since my mom has to go to work in the morning and they don’t.  I’m sure my dad had his differences with them, but he considered it a fair exchange and never complained about them living with us. 

If your Mother-In-Law just hangs out at your house and, idk, watches soap operas all day, she should go find somewhere else to live. I would pay the money to rent her another place than have her continue to live with me and my husband. 

Post # 23
121 posts
Blushing bee

I think it’s too late to work on things in the environment you are in. I would leave and separate for a while, get a hold of yourself and find your self worth again. Maybe once you are living separately for a time you can go to counseling.

His mother would never be a part of the equation though, she would have to go. And I likely wouldn’t get back together with someone who yelled at me when I was hurt over my father getting cancer and berating me for it?!?! I truly think he’s abusive and you should leave.

Post # 24
309 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

THe thing is I don’t know if counselling would help if he doesn’t take it seriously.  I suggest you go by yourself and perhaps it will help you cope with the situation and your husband.

As for your husband, you should seriously just drop the kids off with him for an hour or two and do something that you that will help you de-stress.  It’s not good for you to be this tired.  If your husband can’t help lookout for your wellbeing then you will need to do it yourself.  If he gives you beef about it remind him that you too work full time as a nurse and a mother.

Post # 25
816 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

Then tell him to try a month where he does the vast majority of the rearing on top of work, while you do….whatever it is he does in his spare time. Then we’ll see what he is saying at the end of the month. I mean, it shouldn’t be anything too difficult, right? Since that’s “just how they are.”

Post # 26
2442 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

My husband and I have a 16 month old and have been having a difficult time in some similar ways. It took weeks and weeks of begging and tears, but he finally agreed to start reading The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work with me. I think what finally convinced him was that I read the first chapter and realized what he calls the four horseman of divorce are all things that we do – criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. We are only a week into it, so take it with a grain of salt, but I think it’s helping. The idea behind the book is that it’s difficult to just change the bad habits you’ve fallen into – like criticizing and escalating fights too fast – but that by strengthening your underlying friendship and admiration for each other, you can make your relationship strong enough to survive each other’s bad fighting habits. (And of course you work on changing the bad habits too, but that’s not the only focus.) 

Anyway, I think it’s easier than counseling for men to agree to do – there’s no third party involved, no weekly fees, you don’t need a babysitter – and the author talks about the research behind his recommendations, which I really like. We sit on the couch after the kiddo’s in bed and work on one exercise a night. I’d check it out! 

Post # 27
2922 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2016 - Surfer\'s Beach, Grand Cayman

What do your husband and Mother-In-Law do to contribute to the household? It’s absolutely justified for you to be tired and stressed when working a full time stressful job and taking care of all the cooking and cleaning and dealing with the kids when you are home. There’s a complete imbalance here.

Post # 28
65 posts
Worker bee

He seems to put blame on you even though it’s not your fault. You are raising TWINS! Twins are so difficult to raise, and it only gets harder as they get older! Your husband needs to get on board with you, and i’m sorry to say but why is your mother in law living with you? She shouldn’t be arguing with you in your home. It’s your house and she should respect you for taking care of twin boys and not going completely insane!

If he’s not willing to help, maybe you should leave him for a bit and take the boys and go stay with someone on your side of the family for a little while. See if he realizes he needs to change his ways.

If he doesn’t try and fix things he doesn’t deserve you.

Post # 29
1484 posts
Bumble bee

Does your Mother-In-Law help out with the kids? Is she there because she’s older and cannot live alone? Is there a cultural aspect here perhaps? (I ask because sometimes that’s an added layer that needs to be taken into account). I assume you are supporting her for the most part. 

Twin boys are tough. I am totally feeling for you here. It sounds like your DH deals with stress/frustration by yelling. Not good. It’s a taught behavior and a horrible one. But to be honest, he may not completely realize he’s doing it to the extent that he is. Do you ever call him out on it as he’s doing it? 

If there’s any way to get your Mother-In-Law out of your house, I would strongly suggest it. But if it’s not possible, you are going to have to put your foot down and demand respect from her. The last thing she should be doing is antagonizng your DH.  

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