(Closed) Is there something wrong with me? so many issues……

posted 6 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
4150 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@A_Nannie_Mouse:  I’m SO sorry you’re feeling so uncomfortable and self-conscious sexually.  First of all, has your SO specifically said he doesn’t like you being wetter now that you’re off BC?  Is it possible the only reason he is saying he preferred sex before you got off BC is because he didn’t have to wear condoms (and not because of the extra wetness)?  It’s very common for men to prefer sex without condoms, so that is most likely why he says he preferred sex before.  There’s more sensation without them, and from what I’ve been told, it’s a completely different feeling.  I have never in my life heard of a man prefer sex when a woman is less wet.  Never. So, I don’t think you should let that add to your self-conscious feelings – I really think it was more a matter of him preferring not to use condoms.  I would say that feeling like you are wet is not something to be ashamed or self-conscious about!  Lots of women would love to have that problem – it is not usually considered a bad thing.  I’m sorry he said that to you, though – it does feel hurtful for him to say that he preferred it before even if it is how he feels physically. 

About the oral sex, has he said he hates it or are you assuming that because he doesn’t do it?  

Post # 4
2269 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m not very experienced in this area either. But I will say this.

If you go down on me, I go down on you. If you don’t, then I won’t.

Sorry. Fair is fair. 

Post # 6
52 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

He probably prefers no condoms just due to the sensitivity issue. Not much you can do about that other than try different styles of condoms. Apparently well fitting condoms (yes, there’s a fit) make a world of difference, so investigate. 

The wetness is awesome! Just remind him that he makes you that wet, no one else. 

Okay, for his oral sex: your jaw will get tired if you do it less often. That’s just how it works. You’re using muscles that you don’t normally use. If you don’t enjoy it, that’s okay. Sometimes I don’t enjoy it. Other times I’m feeling a bit devious and I want to make him moan, so I really love it. There’s accounts on the internet about masturbating while giving him head, and how that changes bj mindset, but it’s something you have to experiment with.

For your oral sex: Ask him why it grosses him out. What specific details are grossing him out. Is it hair? Wetness? Does he not like the taste? Maybe it’s possible to help him out by only asking for oral outside of the shower. Getting oral sex grosses ME out, so I usually shave bare to make it as clean as possible. And there are always flavored lubes, though on a girl you have to be very careful and make sure it has absolutely no glycerin. My favorite is this stuff. Blue raspberry, om nom nom.

Also, a tip. If sex just isn’t what it used to be, stop. Tell eachother that you’re not going to have sex for a week and only allow the stuff usually reserved for foreplay. This doesn’t mean you can’t have sex, but it gives you the opportunity to explore foreplay (which can be super awesome and is about 60% of sex) without feeling an obligation to actually have sex.

Post # 7
423 posts
Helper bee

@A_Nannie_Mouse:  Honey one thing I learnt from my previous relationship: a person should never feel self-conscious or humiliated in bed under any circumstance whatsoever. When a man is suddenly feeling stressed out or embarrassed, the burden lies on the woman to make him comfortable, and the same goes for the woman. So primarily in this case, it is your FI’s duty to make you feel loved and reassured in bed. If he is not doing that, then you need to either have a talk with him and disclose your feelings, or you could opt for counselling. 

About the wetness – has he told you that he gets turned off by it? I’m asking because most men find it extremely erotic. In fact, a dry vagina is a cause for concern – the penis is much more comfortable slipping into a wet one. At the risk of tmi, I’m like you – I get wet and slippery to the point that I fear it becomes too loose. But I’ve never had any complaints regarding it. In fact, I’ve had compliments. Most men prefer the vagina to be long and wet. 

About oral sex: If your jaw hurts then you can try a combination of BJ and HJ. But him not doing it to you is a little selfish, IMO. I’m sure you are a person of impeccable hygiene and you shave/wash the area well before he goes down on you. Then what is his problem? I don’t think a clean, shaved vagina smells too bad. You can even use some fragrant moisturiser around it in order to tone down the smell. As for the fluid – that’s his reward, not punishment. So what exactly is his problem?

Overall, I’d say your Fiance is the reason of the dysfunction in your bedroom. He isn’t making you feel loved and relaxed, he isn’t giving you what you need and he is simply masturbating off you. IMO, this is cause for concern. Seriously, have a talk with him or suggest counselling. 

Post # 8
1733 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

1. I’m sure he probably did enjoy not having to wear a condom, but them’s the breaks. I’m not sure why you aren’t on BC anymore, but I’m presuming it’s because it wasn’t working well for you physically or emotionally. The inconvenience of him wearing a condom for the amount of time that he’s in you is not equivalent to whatever your side effects were from extra hormones in your body 24/7. Still, if he enjoys condomless orgasms, it’s fair to balance that out with more BJs/HJs/whatever-Js. See below on ways to make that work for you.

2. Wet = GOOD. No romance novel, erotica, or pornographic film has ever contained the line “Oh, baby, you’re so dry for me.” Wet = a sign that your body is doing what it’s supposed to do, and that he’s doing what he’s supposed to do TO your body. HBC can also have a tendency to dry things up a little, so it makes sense that you’re back to what is probably your normal level of wetness. If you really do feel too loose, there are positions which tend to compress the vaginal canal, which will make you “tighter.” Experiment around til you find one that feels good (for both of you).

3. Don’t put pressure on yourself to have sex a certain number of times per week or daily or something. Let it happen as it happens. He won’t always be in the mood and neither will you. When one of you isn’t in the mood, that’s compromise time — help provide your partner with an orgasm (manual or oral sex) even if you don’t want the favor returned. And if your partner just REALLY is not in the mood right then, that’s what masturbation is for. Not that he should be constantly denying you, but taking matters into your own hands is not just for dudes.

4. When your jaw starts to hurt in the middle of a BJ, switch to some hand or tongue-swirling action. A good blowjob doesn’t have to be all mouth all the time. Very few men are going to complain about an extended blowjob.

5. I agree with PP — if you go down, he should too on occasion, unless there is actually some some sort of medical issue you have going on. If it would help, get yourself checked out to make sure that’s not the case…make sure you’re drinking a lot of water, eating fruit and such to keep everything sweet…but your man should give some to get some.

More specifically with all of this, it seems like you guys have a lot of worry and pressure and tension surrounding sex. You both need to find a way to make it more about play and pleasure, and a lighthearted act of love. No matter what else sex is, it should always be FUN, and I just don’t get the sense that you’re having much fun with it.

You mention body issues — you may want to get some counseling to work through those…but you may also want to mention those feelings to your guy and see where he goes with that. “When you don’t go down on me, it makes me feel undesirable and like there’s something wrong with my body. What can we do to change that?” might be a good place to start.

Now if he refuses to engage in that sort of sexual problem-solving…then you guys really need to see someone, because that’s symptomatic of a whole bunch of issues about communication and generosity and empathy and respect and self-esteem that go way beyond tongue-to-clit action.

Post # 9
399 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I don’t think that I would be able to agree with condom sex is better than no sex.  Personally I would rather have no sex than condom sex.

I personally have the same “wetness problem” as you do.  I am almost always moist, so if you get me ‘excited’ then it is just a good ol fashion slip and slide and in my opinion makes the condom so much worse.

So when Darling Husband and I mix condoms with alot of moisture it doesn’t really create the friction that makes the sex so enjoyable.  So it kinda makes it a waste of time in my books.

And then once you have been ‘riding bareback’ for so long while you were on birth control it is really hard to really get used to wearing a condom again..

I don’t think that you should feel self concious about any of this.

Post # 11
4272 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012


I agree with this. OP there is nothing wrong with you.

Post # 12
249 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Sounds like the issue is with him not you. I mean of course you should try to be more confidant (but I think we all have personal body issues and I notice myself initiating sex less when I have put on weight). My Fiance has mentioned he misses not using condoms (I came of BC as well recently) but he is still ready to go 24/7 lol. I am 29 and he is 27 so your guys age shouldn’t be anything. In fact he is supposed to be at his sexual peak. Maybe sit down and talk with him about these things? There could be something emotional going on with each of you but you two just haven’t discussed it. Best of luck.

Post # 13
4582 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Oh, honey. Please don’t beat yourself up – there is absolutely nothing wrong with you.

I didn’t read all the other posts, so I’m sure some of this has already been said:

  1. Getting really wet is not a bad thing. A lot of women have the opposite problem and it can be frustrating have to use lots of lube all the time. For me, I know my Darling Husband gets incredibly turned on when I’m really wet because he knows I’m enjoying myself and I want him really badly! I have never heard of a man having an issue with his lady being “too wet.” so please do not be self-conscious about this.
  2. It’s true, sex with condoms is not that fun. I’ve been in the same boat – I went off the pill but we weren’t quite ready for babies yet so we used condoms for a while. Polyurethane condoms are thinner than latex, and therefore they feel a bit more natural. It’s still not the same as using nothing, but it’s a more enjoyable experience so that may be something to look into. There’s also the option of Natural Family Planning/charting to avoid pregnancy but I wouldn’t rely on that as your only form of birth control unless you’re in a place where you’d be truly ok with the possibility of getting pregnant.
  3. Oral sex is a tough one because some men simply don’t like doing it. But I definitely think if you’re going to keep doing it for him, there needs to be some reciprocity there. Even just once in a while. My best suggestion here is maybe take a nice shower together before sex. Then he knows you’re nice and clean and maybe it will seem less “gross” to him – also you’ll be feeling less self-conscious about yourself when you’re fresh out of the shower, which might help you to ask for it. I know it can be awkward to ask for what you want, but if you don’t, how is he supposed to know? Another quick tip – and this may seem kind of silly, but it works for me: instead of saying “I want you to go down on me” in the heat of the moment, I’ll sometimes casually bring up in normal conversation that it’s been awhile since I got “special attention.” That way there’s no immediate pressure, but it gets him thinking about it.

I don’t know if any of that will help you at all, but I want you to know I wish you the best and I hope you and your Fiance can come to a place where you’re both satisfied with your sex life.

Post # 14
1086 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Being insecure is natural but it’s not necessary. You had a strong physical relationship at one point, you can get it again. It just takes work. Putting your insecurities to the side. Even if you think he’s going to turn you down still make the move.


I real a lot of cosmo and pick up on tricks to make him want to do things. And it works. I stay away fromt he totally out there ideas but a lot work well and Fiance loves it and doesn’t know where I got the ideas from.


You say he loves oral but you don’t. Why don’t you just approach him one night, start with it and when he’s reall ready stop and tell him you want to have sex? He will do it and a lot of guys like to start with a  little oral before the actual intercourse.

I know what you mean about the birth control but unless you are trying for kids, you’re doing what’s right. The excitement is a GOOD thing and unless your SO is a bit like a little kid and grossed out by “kooties” he should like when you get “wet” (excuse me for sounding awkward, I don’t use these words when I talk, I’m really conservative with my speech) it shows that you are excited. That you want it and that should be enough to excite him as well. Or at least not be grossed out.


Have you brought these things up with your SO? Does he know how you’ve been feeling? If not maybe try to talk to him about it and get reassurance from him. If he does know and doesn’t care, perhaps that is where the problem lies and perhaps a little sexual or regular councelling will help. Or just a big fight with some makeup? ๐Ÿ˜‰

Good luck

Post # 15
298 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Elimination of birth control will cause you to ovulate and during that time the body creates natural lubrication… when you are aroused (and even when you’re not) you SHOULD be getting “wet” with discharge… it’s the body’s way of saying, “hey I am ready for reproduction!” it’s supposed to happen.. you don’t want to be dry that would be painful! 

Post # 16
12 posts

I agree with what everyone is saying about he probably just doesn’t enjoy the sex as much because he’s wearing a condom. Don’t feel self conscience about being extra wet down there. Guys want a girl to be wet. It’s like the vagina telling the penis he’s doing a good job. My SO always says stuff about (TMI) “your pussy is so wet”… but in a good way. So don’t let that make you feel self conscience. Also, my SO has to wipe his fingers off on the bed also. It’s not that he doesn’t like the “wetness”. Just think about if from his point of view. If you dipped your two fingers into, let’s just say, a cup of dish soap and then wanted to go have sex with him. You’d want to wipe off the soap, not because it’s dirty, or gross, just because it’s a sticky mess on your hands. Sorry, that was an off the top of my head analogy. I understand what you mean about feeling “less tight” because you’re so wet. I don’t think the wetness changes your elasticity. Can you get back on BCPs? If so, maybe ask your gyno if there is one that keeps your sex drive up. That way, everyone is happy Laughing 

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