- 5 years ago
I feel distressed for even asking this question. I’m a long time lurker, first time poster. Thanks to all the ladies who have helped me on my journey thus far. However, I have a question where I would enjoy the anonymity of the internet.
Short story first, I’m ready to move on if he doesn’t propose, should I tell him? I wouldn’t give him a specific date, but I am saving up so that I can afford my the first 3-4 months rent, a bed, movers, etc. My initial instinct was no, ultimatums are bad. However, I’ve talked to a few of my closest friends about the situation, and they think I am being unfair to him. They feel that I should at least tell him I’m going to move on. I feel like I’m in a loose loose situation… Any advice is greatly appreciated.
Long story, my SO and I have been together 5 years. He’s 32 and I’m about to turn 30. I love him, but he seems to have commitment issues that have arisen recently. Not always. In the beginning of our relationship, he was Captain Commitment and was pressuring me to move in with him, insisted on assisted me extensively with my living expenses (as I was in a long term, full time graduate program), and was always talking about us getting married someday. However, once I got a decent paying job, several raises, and we had been dating for some time, someday continued to be someday. I’m ready to move on with my life. He is an amazing person, but I can’t continue getting promises that we will get married someday without any firm action. After beating around the bush for a while, about a year and a half ago, I decided that I need to talk to him directly and honesty. I wanted him to know that I was ready to get married, and I was ready to get married now. I was honest with him, but I did not expect him to drop on one knee and propose that day. Nor did I even expect him to give me a firm commitment for a while. I wanted him to think about what I had to say and what was right for him. I gave him several months to think about what I said, and approached him again. He told me he wants to marry me but not now. (His reasons for this change but they are mainly financial which feels increasingly like an excuse as my income keeps increasing. His does not.)
After a year and a half of this, I’m over it. I love him, but I also resent him for leading me on and for being less than honest with me. I feel like I’ve been fully honest with him and laid my heart bare. He is not being honest with me. He can’t give me any concrete reason we can’t get married, and literally says, well I’m happy so we’ll just continue as we are.
I can’t be happy not married to him. I’ve tried, but I can’t do it. I’m starting to massively resent him, and as time goes on, its only getting worse. I love him, but I have to think of my needs too. I’m ready for an ending to this period of dating. I want him to be happy. I want me to be happy. I don’t want to force him to propose to him if he does not want to marry me, and I don’t want to blindside him when the moving vans show up either. I’ve spoken to two close friends who have told me that a. he does not think I will ever leave, and b. I am being unfair for not telling him that I am planning on leaving in the near future. I just don’t know… I don’t want to leave someone who means so much to me, but I don’t want to strong arm him into marriage either.
The thing is, I need an ending and a new begininng. This sucks so much. Advice?