(Closed) Is there such a thing as an ultimatum with dignity?

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
225 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

Tell him that you respect him too much to try to push him into something he doesn’t want but that you respect yourself too much to settle when what you really need to be happy is married. And that you used to be compatible but now you want different things and have become incompatible.  Then say if I am wrong am you do want marriage then tell me otherwise we should both go find someone else with similar life goals. If you are sweet about it and say it like you have already decided he may agree and you both move on. Or he may object and then it’s his job to convince you he wants to get married. The burden will no longer be on you. Good luck

Post # 3
Member
228 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

I completely agree with colld88.

Post # 4
Member
3768 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

Sit down with him and tell him that marriage is very important to you. Explain that you aren’t bringing it up to pressure him, and if he isn’t ready or interested then you want to know that as well, but you’re bringing it up because you want to make plans for your future and want to know if he sees himself as part of that future plan. Plan is the keyword, because “someday” is not part of any plan. Someday is a thought, an idea, not a plan.

I think there’s no harm in bringing this up and letting him know that marriage is part of your life plan, and if it’s not in his then you’re prepared to move on.

Post # 5
Member
55 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2015 - Muckenthaler Mansion - Fullerton, CA

I completely agree with PP! And, to answer OP question… YES. There is definitely a way to make an ultimatum with dignity. You are simply stating honestly what you need/want. No manipulation. You are letting him know, and allowing him to make his choice.

IMO, you have been clear and patient with him. If he’s not ready to take the next step, there’s nothing you can do, and that’s okay. You’re still young! Move on to someone who wants the same thing. Good luck! 

Post # 6
Member
742 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I agree that an ultimatum is not a great way to go. Maybe approach it as a conversation. Just openly ask him if he wants to marry you. Be ready for a follow up of, “do you see us getting married soon?” Or what does he want to wait for…

My beloved and I had this exact conversation. I nicely asked him and he said yes, he does, but he just wants to wait for the right time when we are more stable. I simply pointed out to him that if we always wait for the ideal situations, these opportunities may pass us by… We may miss so many things because we were so worried with waiting til the right time presented itself instead of making it the right time. He surprised me about 6 months later with a beautiful ring at a children’s museum christmas party. 🙂

Post # 7
Member
1384 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

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lifestooshort:  I feel you! At the almost 4 year mark, I told my bf (DH now) that I was wondering where our relationship was headed. We spoke of marriage often, so I asked him when he saw this happening and I reminded him that he had said “we will be married in 5 years” BEFORE he was even my bf. He actually shrugged if I remember correctly and he said he felt like I was pressuring him. I was wise with my words and I told him that I felt like 4 years was plenty time for someone his age (27 at the time with a good job) to know what he wanted out of a relationship with me.

I told him that I would like to be married before I turned 30 (I was 25, almost 26) and that if this was something that he didn’t see happening for himself, then it would only be fair for us both to part ways. I told him that I wanted him to be happy and live his life the way he saw fit for himself anf that I wanted to pursue what I thought was best for myself. I then told him that I wanted a ring on my finger by 11:59 pm on December 31st 2012. This was a little under a year from the time of our conversation. I told him that if this didn’t happen by then, to consider himself single by midnight.

I know it sounds harsh, but this is how I felt and I told him how long I was willing to wait. I was not willing to wait forever. I had a ring on my finger in May 2012. He was listening and it worked. Also, our relationship is now the best it’s been and our marriage has been close to effortless. I know many bees don’t agree, but given the right ultimatum and finding the right words to use, they do work for the best. You have to do what is best for yourself. My husband could have left, and that would have been okay. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who didn’t want the same thing as me for the long run. We would have eventually grown to resent each other and that’s not fair to either of us. I hope everything works out!

Post # 8
Member
1444 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

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lifestooshort:  I agree with 
View original reply
colld88:  this isn’t a pressure tactic, it is a statement of fact. 

Post # 9
Member
533 posts
Busy bee

CollD88 and MiniMeow have good advice.

I would suggest having some savings built up a a couch at a friend’s house lined up before you explain how you feel as , depending on what learn; you may not want to stay.

The savings can be a sensible emergency fund in any case.

Post # 10
Member
112 posts
Blushing bee

I was having this same issue a few months ago, and I agree with the PPs that presenting this as an arguement is not the way to go, but focusing on your feelings and expectations for a timeline in a reasonable and calm manner works for the best.  My SO and I were way off base with regards to what we each thought an acceptable length of time would be until we got engaged (background, we just had our 4 year aniversary in april, living together 1+ years) and while I thought we should have been engaged 6 months ago, he was thinking it was going to be at least another year (same with your SO: ‘financial reasons’, waiting for the perfect time, happy how things are, etc.)  I let him know calmly that while he wanted to not be pressured and have the proposal as a surprise that I was growing resentful about his lack of communication on the issue and that he could still have some time to mull things over, but we had to agree on a loose timeline we were both comfortable with.  After much kicking an screaming, he agreed to compromise and our timeline currently has us getting engaged by the end of this year which gave him a little over 9 months from the time of the discussion.  My best advice would be that this may not be a pleasant conversation, but try to lead by example if he reacts poorly by remaining calm and speaking from a place of love, whatever your decision ends up being.

Post # 11
Member
7266 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

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colld88:  +1 this is great advice! 

View original reply
lifestooshort:  The thing about an ultimatum is that you have to be willing to follow through, or your word is shot. I know several people who have issued ultimatums and then the date came and went, with no ring, and they still stuck around. I think you yourself need to decide if you can really walk away from him. I do think it’s one of those “easier said than done” moments.

 

Post # 12
Member
1964 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I agree with PP’s. I just want to add, if you tell him you are moving on and he is resistant to you leaving, he may change his tune and make promises to try to get you to stay. You either need to stick to you word and still leave or give him a date of when it must happen or you will be gone. I had a friend do this…she moved out and sure enough a few months later, he proposed. Had she not moved out, I doubt he would have followed through.

Post # 13
Member
4677 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I think you have to talk to him – don’t threaten him with moving out and don’t move out to convince him to propose. Explain that marriage is important to you and that if he doesn’t see marriage as something that will happen soon, it might be best for you to move on and find someone who shares your goal of marriage. 

I think “Propose by x date or a move out” is a bad ultimatum – it’s a threat and manipulation. “If we aren’t looking for the same things on the same timeline, then we need to move on” is a good ultimatum – it opens conversation and doesn’t force anyone either way. 

Post # 14
Member
4063 posts
Honey bee

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colld88:  +1

OP, you sound like a very strong and level headed woman. I wish you nothing but the best. I’m sure you will be married one day, whether it’s to your current SO or someone else. Don’t settle.

Post # 15
Member
107 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

You can totally give an ultimatum with dignity. It’s not “IF YOU DON’T GIVE ME A RING I’M LEAVING YOU!!!!”– it’s “I want to get married, and if our relationship isn’t going in that direction soon I need to move on.”

It doesn’t make you pushy *at all* to tell your SO what you want/need, it’s the fair thing to do for both of you. Tell him, give him enough time to think about it, and follow through. Good luck!! 

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