Post # 1
I am no longer in said relationship (see my other thread if you’d like more information) but I just wanted to know if I was an abusive relationship so that I can spot the signs earlier on in my next one.
My bf of one year used to:
– pinpoint my insecurities; comment on my weight, my nose, my makeup, my clothes
– tell me I don’t satisfy him in bed (he was very rough) then use it against me in an argument and say i “dont take instructions well”
– would vent about his is problems and when I would bring up myself as a problem, would get mad at me and tell me im selfish and that I don’t understand
– when I vented about my problems, he said I was weak and that he needs a strong woman because he is weak??
– Rarely make plans with me first; but would agree to plans if I reached out to him about hanging out
– Forgot my birthday and blamed it on fact that he has hard time remembering things?
– When I would say that I was done with the relationship, he acted like he didn’t care
Just typing this stuff out makes me realize how blind I was..
Post # 2
I’d say some of this is verbally abusive and some of this is just him being an asshole in general. I’m glad you’re not in this relationship anymore!
Post # 3
The first 4 are definitely abusive behaviors. I’m glad you got out and that you are safe.
Post # 4
Abusive or not he was absolutely an asshole. Any one of those alone would have been a reasonable reason to end it.
Post # 5
I didn’t even read them all. But I can already say
Post # 6
he would ALWAYS be upset or stressed about something, and when I would mention something like, oh well, you have me, then he would go quiet and change the subject. If i questioned it, he would call me selfish and say, WHY are you making this about yourself??
when I told him it was starting to effect our relationship and I wanted him to significantly stop bringing negativity into our relationship- but that i was there for him to listen still – he lost it on me saying that and i quote, when a man is stressed he wants sex and that is so horrible with me and i am not understanding and i make things worse for him so he can’t even talk to me “so why the f*** am i even with you”
Post # 7
4 pathetic, wtf?
5 doesn’t care
6 doesn’t care
7 doesn’t care
Conclusion: total waste of you tine
Post # 8
I can’t tell you how to avoid an abuser, but I can describe what these situations look like in a healthy dynamic. I hope this helps you going forward. My SO is a sweetheart, but believe me, he’s not a superhuman and a good man is not out of your reach:
– notices when I’ve “done something” to my appearance, sometimes he compliments how I look. Tell me I’m beautiful when I complain about my insecurities. Points out when I’m eating sweets late at night (oops), but also encourages me to keep up my workouts.
– offers to switch positions if I’m uncomfortable or say “ow”. Doesn’t really care how we get it on, and doesn’t mind if I turn him down sometimes
– listens to my problems and replies, “damn, that sucks” when he can’t think up a solution. This action goes both ways.
– hes told me before to “suck it up”. A couple times he was right, but mostly, he shut up and listened when I came back with an Oh-Hell-No, and told him how Wrong it is to invalidate someone’s feelings.
– texts me right as the work day is ending so we have plans made, even if it’s just going to the grocery store.
– Remembers insanely trivial dates and details I mentioned in passing months prior. if he messed up, he offers an apology and asks what he can do to make amends.
– the times we’ve come close to splitting, he’s begged me not to leave and to talk it out. Were I to leave, I’d be free to go and wouldnt fear for my safety.
Post # 9
What you’re describing is certainly emotional abuse. You don’t necessarily have to isolate one particular comment—consider the totality of the relationship and how you felt.
The problem with looking for ‘signs’ is that most abusers are quite masterful at hiding their true selves until they feel confident that they “have” you. Then the mask slips and you find yourself completely off balance, wondering wtf just happened.
My suggestion would be that you spend some time working on yourself. Abusers don’t choose random victims, they have very keen senses of who is vulnerable.
Apparently, you ended up on at least one abuser’s radar. I’m not blaming you. Anyone can be taken in by an abuser.
Your goal is to become abuser repellent. Looking back, what behaviors can you recall that didn’t feel quite right, but you chose to ignore? You actually already know the answers to your own question.
Post # 10
The guy is a loser. Everything pin points to abuse on different levels.