Is these signs of an abusive relationship?

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
366 posts
Helper bee

I’d say some of this is verbally abusive and some of this is just him being an asshole in general. I’m glad you’re not in this relationship anymore! 

Post # 3
Member
122 posts
Blushing bee

The first 4 are definitely abusive behaviors. I’m glad you got out and that you are safe.

Post # 4
Member
9675 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

Abusive or not he was absolutely an asshole. Any one of those alone would have been a reasonable reason to end it.

Post # 5
Member
751 posts
Busy bee

I didn’t even read them all. But I can already say 

YES. 

Post # 7
Member
2645 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

1 abusive

2 abusive 

3 abusive

4 pathetic, wtf?

5 doesn’t care

6 doesn’t  care

7 doesn’t care

Conclusion: total waste of you tine

Post # 8
Member
619 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

I can’t tell you how to avoid an abuser, but I can describe what these situations look like in a healthy dynamic. I hope this helps you going forward. My SO is a sweetheart, but believe me, he’s not a superhuman and a good man is not out of your reach: 

– notices when I’ve “done something” to my appearance, sometimes he compliments how I look. Tell me I’m beautiful when I complain about my insecurities. Points out when I’m eating sweets late at night (oops), but also encourages me to keep up my workouts. 

– offers to switch positions if I’m uncomfortable or say “ow”. Doesn’t really care how we get it on, and doesn’t mind if I turn him down sometimes

– listens to my problems and replies, “damn, that sucks” when he can’t think up a solution. This action goes both ways.

– hes told me before to “suck it up”. A couple times he was right, but mostly, he shut up and listened when I came back with an Oh-Hell-No, and told him how Wrong it is to invalidate someone’s feelings.

– texts me right as the work day is ending so we have plans made, even if it’s just going to the grocery store.

– Remembers insanely trivial dates and details I mentioned in passing months prior. if he messed up, he offers an apology and asks what he can do to make amends.

– the times we’ve come close to splitting, he’s begged me not to leave and to talk it out. Were I to leave, I’d be free to go and wouldnt fear for my safety.

Post # 9
Member
10671 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

jg88998 :  

What you’re describing is certainly emotional abuse.  You don’t necessarily have to isolate one particular comment—consider the totality of the relationship and how you felt.

The problem with looking for ‘signs’ is that most abusers are quite masterful at hiding their true selves until they feel confident that they “have” you.  Then the mask slips and you find yourself completely off balance, wondering wtf just happened.

My suggestion would be that you spend some time working on yourself.  Abusers don’t choose random victims, they have very keen senses of who is vulnerable.

Apparently, you ended up on at least one abuser’s radar.  I’m not blaming you.  Anyone can be taken in by an abuser.

Your goal is to become abuser repellent.  Looking back, what behaviors can you recall that didn’t feel quite right, but you chose to ignore?  You actually already know the answers to your own question.

Post # 10
Member
337 posts
Helper bee

The guy is a loser.   Everything pin points to abuse on different levels.  

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