Is this a bad sign?

posted 8 months ago in Waiting
Post # 31
Member
104 posts
Blushing bee

There is nothing wrong with having a dream about a great remarriage.  But that dream has to be lived in reality. You wouldn’t be just marrying him but you would be coparenting his children and he would be coparenting yours. You have to see how you feel about a lot of things. It isn’t just the two of you. I don’t know how old all the children are but due to your ages I assume they are fairly young. You have to see how the kids would get along. You have to see how he interacts with your children. How would you feel about him disciplining your children? How would you feel if you found it hard to relate to one of his children? I’m sure there would be many great aspects to this but for now I would just enjoy and build on the relationship you already have. Then SLOWLY introduce the kids to this relationship and situation. I wouldn’t worry about what he said about the long time it took for him to get engaged to his first wife. This is a totally different relationship. 

Post # 32
Member
603 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I don’t know if his marriage is a red flag but I do think a 2020 wedding planned after knowing someone for 16 full days is.

4 months of dating, seeing each other 4 days a week, that’s about 64 days total or roughly 300 hours together. Your relationship is really only 300 hours old or 16 full days and you’d like to get married next year.  Bees are concerned.

yes you say you’re not ready to get married, but already planning to get married next year means you’re at least ready to start planning, and that’s concerning.  

You don’t have to do anywhere near what I did but this was what I did.  The first year I spent every other weekend with him, one night a week, and once or twice a month he did something outside the house with me and the kids. So I only really saw him 8-12 days a month. I believe we added a few more kid days the second year, no sleepovers with the kids. The third year he moved in but took up hobbies so he wasn’t in the house as much with the kids for the first few months.

I understand falling for someone and that honeymoon stage is strong.  I told everyone after our first date that he was the man I was spending the rest of my life with. My brain just knew it though I didn’t know him well enough to feel more than ‘like’.

 But I’m important.  He needed to spend a lot of time proving he was worthy of me, because I wasn’t settling again.  He needed to spend a lot of time proving I should let my kids around him.  I needed to figure out how he reacts to stress, how he reacts to me being angry with him, how we communicate during tough conversations, how he reacts when my kid breaks his stuff.

6 years later and I have decided I will marry him and it’s the most comfortable and secure decision I’ve ever made

Post # 34
Member
2657 posts
Sugar bee

flowerhappy :  from your updates, I understand that this is more of a general rule that you set for yourself and not necessarily about the relationship you are in right now.  And I totally get it.  I think I tried to tell myself the same thing after my divorce.  It was a way my way of trying to keep control of my life after losing control (and wasting a lot of time) in my last relationship.  

Overall, your plan is fine as long as your boyfriend is on board.  You can find a guy who has the same time frame as you, but this is something that needs to be talked about very early on in the relationship.  And no, it’s not a red flag that he waiting 7 years to propose, but between the 2 of you, you have 5 children, 2 exes and coparenting styles to consider.  That’s a lot of moving parts that you have to fit together in order to make your lives one.

 

Post # 35
Member
119 posts
Blushing bee

I’m divorced with a 6 year old and currently “waiting”.  My boyfriend and I are 37/38.  We also feel we don’t want to have any sleepovers with my son around until we’re married so I totally understand.

By the 4 month mark we had definitely discussed a future in the general sense and determined that we both wanted to get married and he wanted kids and I wanted to have more.  I think it was good to get that out of the way early so I suggest you ask him ASAP if he sees himself getting married again.  If he says no, believe him and move on.  If having another baby is important to you you should also ask if he wants more children.

An actual timeline discussion came up for us in December when we were together about 11 months.  I told him that I saw us getting married in 2019 and he agreed.  

So I am currently “waiting” and we will likely be married in the fall.  I hope that helps!

The situation with his ex isn’t necessarily concerning since he was younger and with a different person (who ended up being the wrong person). But I would ask soon his thoughts on marriage in general and then before next October let him know you want to be married in 2020 and see what he thinks of that.  Also I would introduce the kids soon and see how the families mesh.  Start with causal outings to the zoo or a park.  I think it’s such an important part of blended family.  I can’t imagine knowing I wanted to marry my boyfriend without seeing him spending time with my son consistently and feeling reassurance that he would be an amazing stepfather.  My son also loves him and has started asking when we’re getting married and seems excited to have him as his stepfather which makes me so happy.  Good luck!

Post # 36
Member
2924 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

flowerhappy :  I don’t think it’s a red flag at all that your boyfriend dated his ex for 7 years before they got engaged.  Based on the ages of his kids, it sounds like he got married pretty young, which means he met his ex wife fairly young.  I dated my college boyfriend for 6 years and we never got engaged.  Does that mean there was something wrong with either of us?  No, it doesn’t.

I also side eye those that talk bad about their ex’s.  Unless there was alcoholism, abuse or drugs involved, many (if not most) marriages don’t end solely because of one person.  So your boyfriend saying he was pressured to marry his ex to me means he takes no responsibility in anything regarding that marriage.  I’m sure no one held a gun to his head.  And he was obviously in that marriage long enough to produce 2 kids a few years apart.  If you ask him why his marriage ended and if he says it was all his ex’s fault, I’d proceed with caution.

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