(Closed) is this a deal breaker for me? trying to decide

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
5096 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

On the “off” days, have you tried initiating? Giving him a hug, kiss, touching his back, massaging his shoulders, etc?

Post # 5
Member
1664 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I think you should definitely know how you feel and let him know how it’s affecting you in the relationship…let him know that you’re not happy. sometimes we all just need a wake up call to realize that things need to change.

Post # 6
Member
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

Darling Husband was a lot more affectionate when we first started dating, he actually pulled away during wedding planning, and then once we got married he was back to normal. I’m not sure why that was, but maybe the same thing is happening to yours???

Post # 7
Member
6572 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2010

My husband was way more affectionate when we started dating too. But then I learned he’s physically not comfortable cuddling on the couch and spooning when trying to sleep. He has a bad back, so it’s just not good for him. It makes me sad sometimes, but if I want some affection I just go to him and get a hug and/or a kiss. It’s not as much as I’d always like to have, but at least it’s something.

Post # 8
Member
1087 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

communication. 

And just a thought, when relationships evolve with marriage, jobs, babies, etc factor in this happens at times. Its the talking about it that makes a difference. Sometimes a good conversation about something bothering me will make me feel 1000x closer.

Post # 10
Member
1144 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

MY Fiance is the same way. He has a hard time switching gears. So if he has just coached a really tough game, or he is talking about politics or something it takes a lot to get him focused on other things. It took me a while to get used to this. I used to cry and think he didn’t want me until I had a talk with him about it.

I try to get around this by stealing a kiss here and there initiating the affection. I also kinda plan our sex life around his schedule. I know for sure that on nights he has practice or a game he is going to be too focused on that to have sex. So on the other nights I go in for the score. lol Sometimes it takes a little effort but it’s worth it.

Post # 12
Member
1144 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@Sweetie Pie 21: FI also used to get really upset when I would talk to him about it too. He was frustrated because whenever I brought it up I was upset and in tears. He resented that I let it get me to that point before saying something about it. My advise would be to not talk to him about it when you are feeling emotional about it. When you are cuddling or having a nice dinner, talk to him then. It may go better.

Post # 13
Member
600 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2006

This is what you told him “i have told him i want/ need attention at least once a day or i feel sad.”  This is what he hears “you make me feel sad, you are failing in giving me what I need.”  There’s a mistranslation sometimes between men and women and I think you need to have a more in depth conversation that explains what specifically about the behavior bothers you and make it very explicit that it’s not him but his actions that hurt you.

Something like this “When I go a whole day with no physical affection from you, I feel like you don’t ____ (love, want, care for, etc.) me and that really hurts.  I love it when you’re affectionate, and I still love you when you aren’t, but I feel more loved and special when you are affectionate.”  Definitely ask what he’s really feeling when he’s not affectionate as well.  He may just not like physical affection that much like PP’s have said.  I know there are a lot of people who become easily overwhelmed with tactile stimulation and he may feel comfortable at this point in your relationship to back off on the overwhelming touches.

Post # 14
Member
1137 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Darling Husband and I have been together 8 years, and over that time, I have learned from his body language what kind of day he’s had and whether he’s in a playful mood or just wants to be left alone. He rarely tells me because he doesn’t feel the need to share every feeling he has, but I just pick up on it and leave him be until he is ready for affection. When he’s stressed, or tired, or something’s bothering him at work he is pretty unaffectionate. But once he snaps out of it, he’s back to his old self.

I don’t think you should take it personally and you definitely shouldn’t force him to show affection just because you crave it. A quick kiss or hug is fine, but chances are on the days he’s “off”, he doesn’t need the added stress of an emotional girlfriend who cries because of lack of attention.

Post # 15
Member
9029 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

If my Fiance isnt being as affectionate as I like I will just put my arms around him or initiate it somehow… I really dont think it should feel weird to initiate a hug or touch or kiss

Post # 16
Member
1087 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Then it seems you been given your options based on his reaction. My opinions is if you stay and he continues to be this way you will always feel like there is something missing and you will constantly be in need of “more”. Sometimes people grow apart and pulling away happens.

 

this is just my opinion on the matter, good luck to you and I hope you get what you are looking for.

 

 

 

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