Is this a problem, or am I too sensitive/projecting my worries

posted 2 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 2
Member
7716 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I don’t think you’re being too sensitive. It sounds like she has some insecurities and is moody on top of that, and sometimes says truly hurtful/offensive things. Rather than express what she’s feeling in a healthy way, she lashes out passive aggressively by giving you the silent treatment or monosyllabic response clearly laced with hostility.

This may be an unpopular opinion, but in my experience people like this rarely change and confrontation doesn’t do much in the long-run (not that you shouldn’t call her out on her shit necessarily). I think you need to decide whether you can tolerate her as she is and find strategies not to let her get to you…and if not, then it might be time to end the friendship. She sounds like a high-maintenance friend, who’s probably always going to be a high-maintenance friend. I have a friend like that in my life, and over the years have just accepted this is how she is and I’m stuck with her lol (we’ve been friends for 15 years now). But I only have room for one such friend! If another came along like that I just wouldn’t pursue the friendship.

Post # 3
Member
2850 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

I would stop including her in unnecessary things like multiple fittings (honestly that is super overkill for a bridesmaid to attend anyways) if she is continually making comments that hurt your feelings. I wouldn’t kick her out unles you are 100% ready to ruin the friendship and your work relationship. 

Post # 6
Member
2850 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

anonymoose88 :  sorry bee I hadn’t realized that she had just invited herself along! Honestly I just wouldn’t tell her when they are, if she brings it up after you could say something like your seamstress fit you in at the last minute, or flat out that you thought it would just be easier to attend on your own, eg. “oh fittings are so boring, I didn’t want to drag you along! I was only there for like 10 minutes anyways.” Just slowly phase her out of extra wedding related stuff. Like the bees say, put her on an information diet, only need to know stuff like where to show up on your wedding day 😉 

Post # 8
Member
7716 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

anonymoose88 :  Yeah she sounds juuuuuuuuuust like my friend used to be! We lived together in college and she would get in these funks where she’d go all silent and send off what I liked to call “death vibes.” Sometimes something I “did” was the reason she was sending death vibes, but often it had nothing to do with me and I was just the unfortunate recipient. 

I will say my friend has matured a bit over the years in that now she no longer sends death vibes; instead she will send me very lengthy emails detailing the ways in which I have offended her lol (like by having another mutual friend give the toast at our wedding rather than her). Eh, it’s always something with this girl, but I keep her in my life because at the end of the day she’s like a sister to me and I know she’d have my back no matter what. So it’s worth it to me to put up with her shenanigans. I have also in the course of our 15 yr friendship learned to sort of emotionally detach a bit, so that when she goes off on me or says somehing hurtful, it doesn’t hurt me or get to me the way it would if another friend behaved that way. I can just tell myself “well that’s Suzy being Suzy” (her name isn’t really Suzy). Also, we live in different states so I’m not dealing with this on a daily basis.

Anywayyyyyyyyyy…yeah I would ask yourself a) is this friendship worth it to me? Like despite her bullshit, does she have other redeeming qualities that make it worth putting up with her BS? and if so then b) what can I do to stop being so affected by her insensitive remarks/hostility? You can’t change your friend but you can control how much she affects you. 

Post # 9
Member
1322 posts
Bumble bee

Now, we’re sure that she doesn’t suffer from bipolar disorder or something of that ilk? This radical shift in mood/behavior could suggest that. 

Post # 12
Member
1391 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

Yeah I have a recent ex-friend who would pull all this crap too. Incredibly immature, and you always had to walk on eggshells as to not offend her. Near the end, it became a toxic friendship and I’m glad she’s not in my life anymore. She actually got offended to the point where she sent a lengthy message ending the friendship, then wanted to be friends again (on the condition I forget all negative things she has ever done/said of course). 

But you have to work with this person, which makes things much more difficult. You have a year away from the wedding, so if you’re going to drop her as a bridesmaid, you should do it sooner than later.

Ask yourself: Do I want to deal with this drama for another year yet, tip toeing so I don’t offend her throughtout all the moments leading up to my wedding? Is she a good friend outside of this behavior? What issues could arise from her remaining in the party vs issues if she’s not?

Best of luck!

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