(Closed) Is this a red flag?

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Are these red flags?
    Yes : (17 votes)
    15 %
    No : (60 votes)
    52 %
    Maybe : (37 votes)
    32 %
    Other (please explain) : (1 votes)
    1 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    2269 posts
    Buzzing bee

    They are red flags bc they are troubling you, but they are not deal breakers. You need to talk to him about these concerns to see if he is willing to change. Counseling may be necessary if he is stubborn or thinks you are being ridiculous.

    Post # 4
    Member
    619 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2013

    I would talk to him about your concerns. Personally, I think it’s sweet that he wants to spend time with you in the morning. I’m not a morning person either, but if my Fiance and I were working opposite shifts, I’d get up earlier to spend some time with him. I could always go to bed earlier that night once he’s at work.

    The alcohol thing is a bit different, especially if he knows you’re sensitive to it with alcoholics in your family. I do think you need to bring it up, to him it’s the end of his work day and his body clock is wired differently, but he should be willing to acknowledge it makes you uncomfortable.

    Post # 5
    Member
    145 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    Not necessarily red flags, but things that could get worse/make the relationship suffer, in my opinion. The waking you up thing– yes nice he wants to share with you; but he needs to respect your need for sleep and routine before starting YOUR day. I am a big believer in sleep; not enough or interupted can make or break my day too. Weeks of that could get old very quickly.You need sleep to function: work, be happy, give back to him, etc. I assume he would not like to be woken 1 hr before his planned waking time for nightshift either….

    As for the drinking… Many people do not routinely drink every day after work. I personally would be concerned with someone drinking beer/vodka/anything on a routine nightly basis. His night is in the morning, so morning drinking, same thing. If you are concerned RE alcoholism that could certainly be a flag. However, if you are generally Ok with one drinking after work in the evening, I’m not sure that daily drinking at 7am (before his bedtime) would be any different or more concerning.

    Just my opinion.

    Post # 6
    Member
    73 posts
    Worker bee

    I personally don’t see them as red flags. Although I completely understand about not wanting to be woken up 1.5 hrs before you have to get up – if he is doing it because he wants to spend time w you, while annoying to you, it’s actually cute. As for the second one, I think that people who have reversed work days probably do have a drink to unwind when they get home – just like people who have one at 6 p.m. at the end of a normal work day. It would be a red flag if he woke up in the a.m. and poured a drink if he went to work at 9 like you do!

    Post # 7
    Member
    557 posts
    Busy bee

    Number one is not such a big deal-maybe he is really just excited to see you and wants to wake you up because you have so little time together. 

    However, Number 2 is a little more serious. I wouldn’t say it is a red flag per se-lots of people have a beer after work and his shift happens to end at that time. But since you have a history with that stuff you need to let him know that it turns you off and worries you! You didn’t mention if you have asked him to stop, or at least wait until you are not home. All you can do is disclose your feelings to HIM-not his mom! If he doesn’t want to at least compromise it would be a red flag, but as far as I can see he doesn’t even know how much you hate his behavior.

    Post # 8
    Member
    5400 posts
    Bee Keeper

    Well I don’t think the first one is a red flag, but I don’t really get it. You asked him not to wake you up and he purposely does anyway? Why?

    The second one could be a red flag if he drinks daily or in excess. Since that’s his night, a drink here and there is understandable but who really wants to drink at 7 am all the time? That would concern me. 

    Post # 9
    Member
    4464 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: February 2012

    I personally don’t see those as red flags. Your husband does need to be considerate of your needs, but perhaps you need to try communicating them in a different way since they haven’t gotten through to him yet. Your mom is right that you should perhaps be grateful that he really wants to see you when he might not be able to for a long time, but if you really don’t want to wake up earlier than you have to then you need to communicate and discuss it in a different way.

    Perhaps it is odd that your husband is drinking at 7AM, but you’ll get nowhere if you don’t talk to him about that behavior. Hear where his line of thinking is and then go from there. Don’t assume anything before you talk to him. 

    Post # 11
    Member
    3625 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    1) I think this is minor, though annoying. A quick tallk should suffice. FWIW, I always wake up DH; that’s just who I am. When I’m leaving early, it never fails that I wake him up. On the other hand, he’s really good about not waking me up. I’m just a noisier person.

    2) I think this could be a serious issue because I never think it’s necesary to drink daily and not on a social basis. I think many who do drink daily do it to unwind and chat with their partners or friends; I can’t imagine throwing back a vodka tonic alone. I could even see having a beer with his meal since that is technically his dinner, but to drink consistently every day is a bit much. I don’t see the 7:00 a.m. drinking in general as a problem since technically, that’s his happy hour because of his work hours. Overall, it’s that he appears to be drinking daily alone that bugs me.

     

    Post # 12
    Member
    4429 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: April 2014

    @mrsgrant:  i think the thing that would bug me too would be the drinking at 7am you should speak to him about that but the waking you up part is he just misses you ; ) feel lucky he does i would try to compromise on that one he just want s to spend time with you before you go to work. when he wakes you make it sex time ; ) there’s nothing like waking up to sex in the morning. good luck and i hope it all works out for you!

    Post # 13
    Hostess
    7560 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: January 2013

    I used to have a group of friends who worked night shifts. On their “Friday night” (AKA Friday morning) they would usually go out and drink at a brunch place. I think it’s totally normal. I can understand you being upset because of your family history, but it’s not as if he’s just morning drinking, he’s end of the work day drinking. 

    Post # 14
    Member
    619 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2013

    @mrsgrant:  Okay, that’s adorable! Breakfast token? Hells yeah! Worth the early morning wake up!

    Alcoholism is in my family too, so I totally understand where you’re coming from there. As you’ve said it’s only a couple of times a week it’s not a big of a deal as drinking daily – hell, we’ve all had days where we walk in the door and need to down a drink!

    Glad we were all able to help 🙂

     

    Post # 15
    Member
    4464 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: February 2012

    @mrsgrant:  I think that sounds like a wonderful compromise. I don’t mean to tell you what to do, but if it were me, I would try and be thankful (even EARLY in the morning!) that I have a husband who puts me first even though his work schedule is rigorous and tiring. I’m not saying you don’t, but if you go to bed 1 hour earlier then it will show him that you are thankful, whereas being grumpy probably doesn’t show him that. The fact that he’ll bring you breakfast and wants to talk to you is very sweet, and perhaps going to bed 1 hour earlier will nurture your relationship in a great way. 

    Post # 16
    Member
    1010 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    @mrsgrant:  

    He comes home ~1.5 hours before I’d normally wake up (I work 9-6ish) and purposely wakes me up, though I’ve asked him repeatedly not to.

    That’s a red flag. If he refuses to respect your requests, it *can* be a sign of control (not saying this is the case though).  He may simply want to spend time with you. Alternately, you may consider getting up 30-45 minutes before your alarm to spend some time with him a few mornings.

     

    he’ll eat a big meal and drink things like beer or a vodka tonic at like 7am.

    I understand the need to relax, but drinking every single day, regardless of time, is another red flag to me. He may not consider himself an alcoholic by any means, but if it bothers you, please mention how you feel in regards to that, and explain why. If he gets defensive about it, he may realize that behavior isn’t typical for most people that get off work. Ask him if there’s something else he feels comfortable doing in lieu of a drink. Good luck.

     

    ETA: saw the updated post, so I understand he doesn’t drink daily. Still might want to mention that it bothers you. Maybe he’ll like smoothies instead? 😀

     

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