Post # 1
My husband recently transferred to the night shift as part of a big promotion. Curious what you guys think about 2 things that have been bugging me:
1. He comes home ~1.5 hours before I’d normally wake up (I work 9-6ish) and purposely wakes me up, though I’ve asked him repeatedly not to. I’m not a morning person and HATE getting woken up before my alarm. It makes me tired and grumpy the rest of the day.
2. Since mornings are his nights on the days he works (he’s on a 4 days on, 4 days off rotation), he’ll eat a big meal and drink things like beer or a vodka tonic at like 7am. I have a long line of alcoholics in my family and am very sensitive to stuff like that. I find it a huge turn off and red flag that’s he’s swigging beer at 7am.
I tried to speak with my mom about the first concern and she said I should be happy he is eager to tell me about his work and spend time with me when he gets home. I haven’t mentioned my 2nd worry since she’s a functioning alchy herself. Would love other perspectives – especially from others who balance opposing work schedules.
Post # 3
They are red flags bc they are troubling you, but they are not deal breakers. You need to talk to him about these concerns to see if he is willing to change. Counseling may be necessary if he is stubborn or thinks you are being ridiculous.
Post # 4
I would talk to him about your concerns. Personally, I think it’s sweet that he wants to spend time with you in the morning. I’m not a morning person either, but if my Fiance and I were working opposite shifts, I’d get up earlier to spend some time with him. I could always go to bed earlier that night once he’s at work.
The alcohol thing is a bit different, especially if he knows you’re sensitive to it with alcoholics in your family. I do think you need to bring it up, to him it’s the end of his work day and his body clock is wired differently, but he should be willing to acknowledge it makes you uncomfortable.
Post # 5
Not necessarily red flags, but things that could get worse/make the relationship suffer, in my opinion. The waking you up thing– yes nice he wants to share with you; but he needs to respect your need for sleep and routine before starting YOUR day. I am a big believer in sleep; not enough or interupted can make or break my day too. Weeks of that could get old very quickly.You need sleep to function: work, be happy, give back to him, etc. I assume he would not like to be woken 1 hr before his planned waking time for nightshift either….
As for the drinking… Many people do not routinely drink every day after work. I personally would be concerned with someone drinking beer/vodka/anything on a routine nightly basis. His night is in the morning, so morning drinking, same thing. If you are concerned RE alcoholism that could certainly be a flag. However, if you are generally Ok with one drinking after work in the evening, I’m not sure that daily drinking at 7am (before his bedtime) would be any different or more concerning.
Just my opinion.
Post # 6
I personally don’t see them as red flags. Although I completely understand about not wanting to be woken up 1.5 hrs before you have to get up – if he is doing it because he wants to spend time w you, while annoying to you, it’s actually cute. As for the second one, I think that people who have reversed work days probably do have a drink to unwind when they get home – just like people who have one at 6 p.m. at the end of a normal work day. It would be a red flag if he woke up in the a.m. and poured a drink if he went to work at 9 like you do!
Post # 7
Number one is not such a big deal-maybe he is really just excited to see you and wants to wake you up because you have so little time together.
However, Number 2 is a little more serious. I wouldn’t say it is a red flag per se-lots of people have a beer after work and his shift happens to end at that time. But since you have a history with that stuff you need to let him know that it turns you off and worries you! You didn’t mention if you have asked him to stop, or at least wait until you are not home. All you can do is disclose your feelings to HIM-not his mom! If he doesn’t want to at least compromise it would be a red flag, but as far as I can see he doesn’t even know how much you hate his behavior.
Post # 8
Well I don’t think the first one is a red flag, but I don’t really get it. You asked him not to wake you up and he purposely does anyway? Why?
The second one could be a red flag if he drinks daily or in excess. Since that’s his night, a drink here and there is understandable but who really wants to drink at 7 am all the time? That would concern me.
Post # 9
I personally don’t see those as red flags. Your husband does need to be considerate of your needs, but perhaps you need to try communicating them in a different way since they haven’t gotten through to him yet. Your mom is right that you should perhaps be grateful that he really wants to see you when he might not be able to for a long time, but if you really don’t want to wake up earlier than you have to then you need to communicate and discuss it in a different way.
Perhaps it is odd that your husband is drinking at 7AM, but you’ll get nowhere if you don’t talk to him about that behavior. Hear where his line of thinking is and then go from there. Don’t assume anything before you talk to him.
Post # 10
omg, thanks guys! This really helps…he doesn’t drink every morning, just a couple of times per week. I’ve mentioned that both things bother me but he explains that 7am is my 7pm and given my family history I hate “habits” that involve booze, though I’m totally fine with drinking socially. Judging on other folks’ response, that’s probably my own over-sensitivity there.
The waking up thing is kind of cute, though it drives me crazy. He’ll come stand by my side of the bed often with some sort of token like a breakfast sandwich and rustle it in my face until I wake up. I guess I’ll just have to go to bed earlier so I’m not so annoyed by losing 1 hour of sleep.
Post # 11
1) I think this is minor, though annoying. A quick tallk should suffice. FWIW, I always wake up DH; that’s just who I am. When I’m leaving early, it never fails that I wake him up. On the other hand, he’s really good about not waking me up. I’m just a noisier person.
2) I think this could be a serious issue because I never think it’s necesary to drink daily and not on a social basis. I think many who do drink daily do it to unwind and chat with their partners or friends; I can’t imagine throwing back a vodka tonic alone. I could even see having a beer with his meal since that is technically his dinner, but to drink consistently every day is a bit much. I don’t see the 7:00 a.m. drinking in general as a problem since technically, that’s his happy hour because of his work hours. Overall, it’s that he appears to be drinking daily alone that bugs me.
Post # 12
@mrsgrant: i think the thing that would bug me too would be the drinking at 7am you should speak to him about that but the waking you up part is he just misses you ; ) feel lucky he does i would try to compromise on that one he just want s to spend time with you before you go to work. when he wakes you make it sex time ; ) there’s nothing like waking up to sex in the morning. good luck and i hope it all works out for you!
Post # 13
I used to have a group of friends who worked night shifts. On their “Friday night” (AKA Friday morning) they would usually go out and drink at a brunch place. I think it’s totally normal. I can understand you being upset because of your family history, but it’s not as if he’s just morning drinking, he’s end of the work day drinking.
Post # 14
@mrsgrant: Okay, that’s adorable! Breakfast token? Hells yeah! Worth the early morning wake up!
Alcoholism is in my family too, so I totally understand where you’re coming from there. As you’ve said it’s only a couple of times a week it’s not a big of a deal as drinking daily – hell, we’ve all had days where we walk in the door and need to down a drink!
Glad we were all able to help 🙂
Post # 15
@mrsgrant: I think that sounds like a wonderful compromise. I don’t mean to tell you what to do, but if it were me, I would try and be thankful (even EARLY in the morning!) that I have a husband who puts me first even though his work schedule is rigorous and tiring. I’m not saying you don’t, but if you go to bed 1 hour earlier then it will show him that you are thankful, whereas being grumpy probably doesn’t show him that. The fact that he’ll bring you breakfast and wants to talk to you is very sweet, and perhaps going to bed 1 hour earlier will nurture your relationship in a great way.
Post # 16
He comes home ~1.5 hours before I’d normally wake up (I work 9-6ish) and purposely wakes me up, though I’ve asked him repeatedly not to.
That’s a red flag. If he refuses to respect your requests, it *can* be a sign of control (not saying this is the case though). He may simply want to spend time with you. Alternately, you may consider getting up 30-45 minutes before your alarm to spend some time with him a few mornings.
he’ll eat a big meal and drink things like beer or a vodka tonic at like 7am.
I understand the need to relax, but drinking every single day, regardless of time, is another red flag to me. He may not consider himself an alcoholic by any means, but if it bothers you, please mention how you feel in regards to that, and explain why. If he gets defensive about it, he may realize that behavior isn’t typical for most people that get off work. Ask him if there’s something else he feels comfortable doing in lieu of a drink. Good luck.
ETA: saw the updated post, so I understand he doesn’t drink daily. Still might want to mention that it bothers you. Maybe he’ll like smoothies instead? 😀