(Closed) Is this a red flag?

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Are these red flags?
    Yes : (17 votes)
    15 %
    No : (60 votes)
    52 %
    Maybe : (37 votes)
    32 %
    Other (please explain) : (1 votes)
    1 %
  • Post # 17
    Member
    122 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: October 2017

    Everyone has different experiences and expectations when it comes to alcohol, so you will probably get a different, varying response in terms of your husband’s drinking habits. Personally, for me and my fiance, a drink after work is normal and not out of the ordinary. When I worked in the service industry I’d have a glass of wine every night to wind down. Now, if he’s getting drunk and belligerent, binge drinking to excess, hiding his drinking habits, lying about his drinking habits–I would thinking you have an issue. But if he’s having one after working (even if it’s at 7am–his morning is technically his night) then I don’t see an issue. This is just my experience and opinion though, so YMMV.

    I’d be pissed about him waking you up. He’s probably oblivious and not trying to be malicious. Why don’t you wake him up 1.5 hours before his alarm and see how it makes him feel? 😉

    Post # 19
    Member
    1966 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    #1 is not a biggie. I hate to be woken up too. When fi was working overnight he’d wake me up sometimes for “sexy time” lol. But a lot of times just to talk to me about work. 

    #2 would definitely be an issue for me if he’s doing it every single day. Once in a while is ok but “his morning” or not its still 7am. 

    Post # 20
    Member
    4691 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY

    I don’t see it as too big of a deal yet, but vodka does seem like a pretty intense post-work drink.

    Post # 21
    Member
    4801 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    @BrandNewBride:

    @MsSparklyBee:  

    @lilbluebird:

    Read the updates, guys! He’s not drinking every day, just a couple of nights a week!

     

    OP, I’m glad the new perspectives have helped you to chill a bit and realize these aren’t really red flags. I understand family baggage can make stuff difficult. I would insist on getting at least a couple days a week that he doesn’t wake you up though – the breakfast treat is a sweet thought but I am such a b**** in the mornings if you wake me up early, haha.

    Post # 22
    Member
    12246 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: May 2013

    The first thing is a little cute! He wants to spend time with you!

    I worked on the overnight for over a year, and 7am can TOTALLY feel like 7pm! Your internal clock gets so screwy, it never feels like any “time”. I can’t explain it! You just have to work it to understand.

    That being said, he is drinking to drunkeness every morning… That’s a problem! If he’s having one rum and coke to wind down and help him go to sleep, that’s different!

    When I worked 3rd shift, I was always EXHAUSTED, but could never fall asleep! It was miserable!

    Post # 23
    Member
    301 posts
    Helper bee

    Is there any reason you are looking for these to be red flags, which to me signifies something seriously bad is going on and it’s time to run away, rather than issues you and your husband need to communicate about? 

    I’d be pretty cranky about the first one but that is because I am a hellbeast when I am woken up. You might need to emphasize that you really, really, REALLY don’t want him waking you up, or compromise and wake up earlier so you can spend time together if that’s his reason.

    As for the drinking, I would not see is as a problem the way that you have described it. 7am is his 7pm, so he may be simply unwinding a few night after work. Unless he is getting angry, neglecting his duties around the house, or anything else as a result of excess drinking, it sounds ok. Due to your family history of alcoholism, you are really sensitive (and rightly so!) to his drinking. You should talk to him about why he drinks and how it makes you feel. It might help out to investigate Al Anon, which is for friends and family of alcoholics. My Boyfriend or Best Friend is a recovering alcoholic and Al Anon helped me to learn to control my own anxiety over his alcohol use before he stopped drinking.

    Post # 24
    Member
    1548 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    I don’t see these as red flags at all. My Fiance worked nights for a few years and I intentionally changed my own schedule a little bit (waking up earlier) so I would get to spend some time with him before I went to work. Also, having a beer or drink in 7 am for him is no different than you deciding to have a drink after work to unwind, the specific time of the day is irrelevant. 

    Post # 25
    Member
    7770 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2010

    Well, I think they are bothering you and need to be reconciled.  They are flags to you, and that is what matters.  He needs to respect your sleep.  Also, I would talk to him about the drinking, is it excessive?  Does he deserve a chance to change, or is it an inuition you have about the drinking and therefore it is not okay/ that is why you don’t like it?

    Darling Husband doesn’t drink, he used to and there are severe alcoholics in the family.  I didn’t like what it did to him, and neither did he, and now he is happy not to- but he didn’t come that way.  I think you have to figure out whether these things can change or if they bother you enough/ give you intuition that says to run.

    Post # 26
    Member
    930 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    These are not red flags.  At all.

    Post # 27
    Member
    11744 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    my friend is a nurse who works night shifts and she always has a beer or two at 7 AM when she gets off work. It’s her dinner time, even though it’s 7 AM.

    I don’t understand why number 1 is a red flag at all – annoying but maybe he wants to see you before you go off to work so he wakes you up?

    Post # 28
    Member
    4272 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: April 2012

    No

    Post # 29
    Member
    1227 posts
    Bumble bee

    I’ve worked overnights before, and I think the breakfast is beyond sweet, and I never hesitated to crack a beer at 9 am every now and then, though I was usually dead tired and ready for bed.

    Personally, I think you are the one who needs to try to be more understanding. Night shifts are hard. You are never in the “right” time. It takes a lot of pateience and understanding on the part of your partner to get through that.  I was lucky to have a great partner when it came to that.

    Post # 30
    Member
    13095 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2010

    I don’t see any red flags.

    I think it is sweet that he wants to spend time with you during the only period your schedules would allow.  And plenty of people drink a beer, a glass of wine, or a cocktail after work.  It isn’t his fault that his “after work” is your morning.

    Post # 31
    Member
    3051 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: February 2015

    Definitely not red flags since he’s not over doing it drinking.

    The topic ‘Is this a red flag?’ is closed to new replies.

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