(Closed) Is this a warning sign before marriage?

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
1381 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

First of all, I really do feel for you.  I’ve been to Miami enough times to notice all the beautiful women (and men) who are seemingly perfect on the outside..!   I was joking to my friends when we were there for a bachelorette party that you probably can’t be above a size 4 to be allowed to live in Miami.  At least, that’s what it seemed like HAHA.

In all seriousness, my concern would not be his fascination in big breasts, but rather why he is oggling them in front of you.  I wouldn’t mind if my man is out with his group of friends and checking out eye candy, but to do that in front of me.. I find that disrespectful in a sense.  Now granted, sometimes men will know this and they simply cannot help themselves and will sneak a peek.  I know my man has a tendency to sneak a peek when he sees a pretty girl (say for instance when we’re in a supermarket).  This bothers me a little, but I quickly realize that this is human nature and that men are super visual creatures in general.  Heck, I even sneak a peek at a really good-looking man from time to time myself.  If I were you, I’d turn my head away and think of the really good qualities that you DO love in your man.

I really do think your guy loves you as much as he says he does, with or without big breasts.  What I really do believe is that you shouldn’t have to enhance your body parts in any way, but you really should work on that confidence of yours..!  Men can sense confidence right away, and THAT is super sexy.

Now here’s the clincher that’s really going to make you think..

No matter HOW sexy, how sweet, how intelligent, how beautiful your breasts/butt are, how nice your legs are, etc…. your man will always feel the need to look.  This is why porn is so popular with men – it gives them freedom to variety.

So what I guess I’m trying to say is.. it’s definitely not you.  But you do have to let men be men.  Be happy that he hasn’t acted on any desires.  If breasts were that important to him, you probably wouldn’t be together.

I hope you feel better..!

Post # 5
485 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I can’t tell if your Fiance is German or just spent time in Germany….. but Europeans have a completely different mindset about sexuality than Americans.  They are more open and laid-back about nudity in general and view bodies as beautiful first rather than sexual.  He is probably looking beause he appreciates beauty.  Unless he is damaged emotionally, he wouldn’t be with someone he considers inferior or not as good and he wouldn’t be with someone who turns him off.

A few things stuck out at me from your post, however, that have nothing to do with your husband……

Self-esteem actually has NOTHING to do with reality.  Self esteem is emotionally based.  It is unfortunate that you don’t like your breasts and are ashamed of them to the point that you hide them from your husband.  He has proven that he is an admirer, and so to hide these from your husband for what you believe is your own shortcoming is very sad to me.

You make some pretty general comments about how someone could like themselves if they are different than what the media says is beautiful.  That, my dear, is the very definition of self-esteem.  Liking yourself for who and what you are AS IS RIGHT NOW.  Not in 3 months when you’ve dropped that last 10 pounds or the parts of you that don’t have cellulite or if you only had…..  self-esteem and self-worth is the acceptance and love for yourself regardless of what others think or prefer.

Further, you indicated that you don’t know how an obese woman could truly like herself….. I’d like to share with you that I am heavy.  I am a size 18-20 and have been since after college (I will also tell you that in high school I was a size 4-6).  I have good self-esteem and I find worth in myself and I think I’m pretty.  I llive a fairly healthy lifestyle and I eat well.  I do like myself.  I like how I look and I would never “hide” parts of myself from the man that I love.  I accept the way that I am and I am happy.  I don’t feel that I would be happier if I was “skinnier” or “richer” or anything….. because I have been skinny and I’ve made more money and neither of those made me “happy”.

I wish you luck with your struggles to accept yourself despite your feeling that you cannot.

Post # 6
9134 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@romantical:  +1000  “No matter HOW sexy, how sweet, how intelligent, how beautiful your breasts/butt are, how nice your legs are, etc…. your man will always feel the need to look.  This is why porn is so popular with men – it gives them freedom to variety.”

 @SeaSunSand:  Guys stray for different reasons.  I don’t think you can say that because he stares at girls with big boobs that he’s going to cheat on you with a girl with big boobs.  Amazingly there are guys that do not cheat on their wives and girlfriends; just as there are women that do cheat on their husbands and boyfriends.  It works both ways.

As for letting him know that his staring is unappreciated, I would stick to requesting that he wear sunglasses and be a bit more discreet when gawking (you’re never going to convince him not to look.)  I have always taken it in stride and pointed out the really hot girls for my boyfriends to look at; that way I am involved and not as upset by his looking since I saw her first.

Honestly, when it somes to insecurity regarding your body the only thing that will change that is time and learning how to be comfortable with your body (or getting surgery if you feel that it’s necessary.)   The older I get the less problem I have with the flaws of my body and the sexier I feel because I am more comfortable and confident in my own body.

Post # 7
485 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

To your last comment.  Some men are cheaters.  Some men will cheat even if they have the best looking woman in the world because they are weak and small or because they don’t value themselves or the people they choose to be around.  They cheat because they are angry or they have not learned healthy coping strategies.

Some men are not cheaters.  They will never cheat. 

What I can tell you, without a shadow of a doubt, is that if a man would cheat on you because he feels your breasts are too small or he wants to be with a woman who has something that you “dont” it is because that man is a cheater.  Plain and simple.  He hasn’t cheated because you “lack” or because he wants “more” he cheats because he is dishonest and disrespectful.

Post # 8
8037 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@SeaSunSand:  I don’t really think you have anything to worry about. If your guy was trying to get you to get implants then I’d be worried.

I think it’s human nature to look at other people… heck, I ‘check out’ women all the time and I don’t lean that way at all.

You could always get a boob lift. If on one hand you can’t accept/love your boobs then it IS possible to do something about it that isn’t that drastic. I had a reduction/lift and I am way happier w. my boobs now.

Edit: I forgot to mention that your ‘all men are cheaters’ or whatever comment threw me for a bit of a loop. That definitely is not true.


Post # 9
1575 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Men will ALWAYS look at boobs – they are genetically-programmed to do so. Some just look with far more discretion than others. When it’s obvious, like at the beach, I like to make a point by obviously staring at men’s crotches, in fact I’ll even make “yummy sounds” on occasion. It seems to get the point across rather well.

Post # 10
4272 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

It is not a warning sign he will stray really, it is a warning sign that it could heighten your insecurity and lead to issues in the relationship.

Taking him out of the equation, would you be happier with yourself if you got some work done? Nothing drastic, but something small? I know you said you are against implants, but I thought I would ask.

Post # 11
1542 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

He’s a man… Its like in their DNA. Not to say thats an excuse or that he’s allowed to look… if he say actually wanted any of these women or something like that. But I’ve had a similar situation.  A few years ago Fiance would point out all these women to me and i could see him stare if the big jugs came by (he stares at the tv but just glances in person) Either way it made me feel like crap because I can’t measure up to women like that – its not my fault i was born with small boobs. But he’s also told me he likes small boobs … “no more then a handful” as he desribes it. lol. He described it as being a natural inclination to look. Not that he wants to touch them or that he’d rather have a girl with bigger boobs. But its just “nice to look at” I ofcourse told him he can’t look. So he’s like so why do you look at the guys with 6 packs on tv. Um cus its a 6 pack and its hott and its nice to look at sometimes- crappp… I hate it when he’s right!

I’ll admit some of those guys with 6 packs are nice to look at. I don’t MEAN to – its just where my eye goes if they are like right in front of me. Does it mean i don’t love my Fiance because he doesn’t have a six pack or am I gonna go run off and find a guy that has a 6 pack – ofcourse not! Heck I don’t even think i could stand being with a guy that does cus i’d feel like i didnt measure up. What he’s saying makes sense – and chances are he litterally doesn’t even reallize he’s doing it until after.

Just tell him how it makes you feel and he should make an effort to not make it so obvious atleast. It still bugs me sometimes cus like I said he physically can’t stop completely but he doesn’t do it in front of me a lot.  – one glance i don’t mind if its like a stare or a bunch of woman – i’ll be like Hi remember me? and he’ll pull his cute little guilty “hiiii…”.


Post # 12
750 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

People look. I bet you look too! It could very well be that he is ogling these women- and if he is, he needs to stop- but a casual look here or there should not be a matter of concern. My boyfriend looks sometimes, and so do I! If a beautiful, or even just provocatively dressed woman (with or without huge exposed breasts) walks by, how do you not look? It’s human nature, we look at our surroundings. I have small breasts too, and he loves me, and them- and I would NEVER worry that he would cheat on me because of the size of my breasts. 

Wearing different types of lingerie during sex also doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you the way you are- men enjoy some variety and visual stimulation. He wouldn’t be with you and constantly reassure you if he did not love you and your body. He wouldn’t have sex with you either! 

Self esteem has nothing to do with your outside, but your inside. I’m what most people would consider to be a fairly attractive person- but for years and years and years, I HATED the way I looked. My body hasn’t changed much- in fact, I’m a little bit heavier since those days (5-10 lbs)- but I’ve grown to value and accept myself. I’m a thin person with a pretty enough face, but my breasts are small and my butt enormous (but not in the nicest way). I’m still a little insecure in a bathing suit, but there is no part of me that my boyfriend has not seen and adored. Most importantly, I feel good about myself when I look in the mirror. I like who I am.

I wouldn’t say that his behavior is necessarily a warning sign before marriage- but your low self esteem and insecurities might be. Loving yourself is the first step to truly loving and opening yourself up to someone else…and it can be very hard for one partner and the relationship if the other has insecurity/jealousy issues. 

Post # 14
1226 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@SeaSunSand:  ”Now, I know all men look and all men tend to stray since they’re not monogamous, (though so far my man has not strayed yet)”

Where does this notion come from that men aren’t monogamous? Some women aren’t monogamous either… Sorry to be frank, but there are many many men in the world that are monogamous and seriously, it’s what we deserve.

About him checking other girls out, as long as he is not starring and starring, I wouldn’t be too worried. A quick glance is fine in my books. I too check other people out, naturally. Sometimes, my guy and I check out people together, lol, like our waitress. It also depends on the nature of your relationship, what works for others might not work for some. I think the important thing here is communication and being able to do so openly if need be.

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