- inquiring mind
- 10 years ago
- Wedding: November 2010
I’ve been a member for more than a year and created this account to ask this question while preserving my anonymnity…
Saturday night my husband (7 months married) & I were at cookout with about 10 other people, mostly my cousins & their spouses. We hang out with this group regularly (at least 3-4 times each month), celebrate birthdays, even travel together as a group. We are all very close and have a great time together.
So we’re playing Pictionary, men vs. women & it is my husband’s turn to draw & it is “all play” so I am drawing for the women’s team. He has the card in his hand but won’t let me see it to find out the word. He keeps flashing it at me, but I don’t have my glasses on so I can’t read it (I take this as him playing). Finally I hold his hand & I read it and am ready to draw. We’re joking around (at least I think so) and we are talking trash to each other & I give him the “talk to the hand”. He keeps talking smack so I keep “giving him the hand”.
All of a sudden, he grabbed my wrist and moved my hand from hs face. He held my wrist and twisted it for a few seconds and I told him it hurt. I was shocked and said, “Are you going to beat me in front of my family”? One of the other guys said, “Whoa! That’s enough” and my husband let go. My husband threw the marker on a table and sat down & everyone was quiet. I was stunned & went to sit in my seat which was next to my husband. My husband had a look of disgust and said “Get away from me.” I sat for a minute or two and then when people were otherwise occupied I went to sit alone in another area because my wrist was hurting and I was about to cry.
After a few minutes, a female cousin came to check on me but I was crying and asked her to leave me alone. A minute later another female came out to check on me. I told her I was fine and I just needed some time alone, but she refused to leave me alone and kept telling me to come back to the group. I left the property to get that time alone and went for a walk.
Ten minutes later I am headed back to the house and my husband and a male cousin are on the front walkway. I passed the house and my husband approached me saying “I can’t believe you showed out like that! You’re trying to challenge my manhood in front of your family and I’m not going to play these games with you”. I told him to keep his distance and got back to the walkway where my cousin was. I told my husband he could talk to me there with my cousin and he got angry. He told my cousin that I didn’t want to be married to him anymore and then left his house keys on another car (I didn’t have my keys with me), got in his car and drove away. My cousin tried to tell him he was being irrational and that we should talk, but he left anyway.
A female cousin then came outside and she and the male cousin asked if my husband had ever hit me, pushed me, grabbed me, etc and I told them no. My wrist was hurting and it was black and blue, but this was the only time my husband has ever been physical with me since we began dating more than 4 years ago. He rarely even curses, but has yelled at me once or twice when we’ve argued.
I explained to my cousins that I was in shock because he had never done anything like that before and I was crying because I felt like my husband had crossed a line. I had been engaged once before and that guy turned out to be abusive. It began with words, then he hit me and eventually he almost killed me. I was very open with my husband about this (my cousins knew about it too) and we had discussed that while I could put up with and try to work through just about anything in our marriage, anything physical would be a deal-breaker. I told them how things started out small with my ex and then grew into abouse and this scared me.
My male cousin said he really didn’t believe that my husband meant to hurt me and that I should talk to him. My female cousin agreed that it doesn’t seem to be my husband’s nature to hit a woman and that I was probably overreacting, but she said if she had my history, she would’ve been scared too. She asked me about my husband’s temper because about a year ago she witnessed an incident when were were all at the beach and all got tossed around in rough surf. One person wasn’t a good swimmer and my husband and I are former lifeguards so I went to help that person first, rather than my husband. My husband got angry with me and wouldn’t talk to me for most of the afternoon and my cousin saw that.
My husband is 6’4″ around 290 pounds. He was in the millitary and to strangers he might look intimidating, but anyone who knows him calls him a gentle giant. He’s usually really laid back and friendly and always very helpful.
After talking with my cousins for a while, I called my husband and he said that another person at the party had already texted him and told him to come back to get me. He was almost there and he apologized and said he didn’t mean to hurt me. He said that where he’s from, putting your hand in someone’s face is not a joke, it is blatant disrespect and he couldn’t believe I would disrespect him like that in front of my family (we are from different cultures and soci-economic groups… He is from ‘the hood’). He said that he didn’t realize he had held my wrist that hard and never meant to hurt me. He said he was embarrassed and that made him more angry. He said he didn’t mean to be intimidating when he approached me and could understand why I didn’t want to talk to him alone.
We went home together that night, but things were wierd. Things are still wierd but getting better. We talked about it again and he apologized repeatedly and told me that he would never hurt me. My male cousin (who is a minister) sent him a text yesterday saying he wanted to talk to me husband about his temper. My husband is embarrassed but said he will talk with him because he wants both me and my family to know he will not hurt me and is committed to our marriage. He said that I am hypervigilant and hypersensitive regarding domestic violence because of my history.
So what are your thoughts? Was this just an unfortunate incident or a red flag?
Thanks if you read all of that and have any advice or thoughts for us.