(Closed) Is this abuse? (long but need your insight please)

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
1351 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

It sounds like it was an accident. You guys were goofing around and he didn’t intend to actually hurt you.

However, your reaction, “Are you going to beat me in front of my family” is a HUGE red flag to anyone within earshot! If he’s never hurt you, why would you ever say that?? If I were your husband, I would have been incredibly embarrassed and hurt. And then you run off crying?? To an outsider, it would seem like you actually are beaten by him. And then you tell your cousin you don’t want to be married to him?

Sorry, but it sounds like a little incident got HUGELY blown out of proportion and I’m sorry, but you caused it to get so bad.

Post # 4
1351 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Ok, I just reread your post and you mention a previous abusive relationship.

You need counseling. It would appear that you still have emotional scars from that previous person. Your husband is not to blame for this but you will need his support to move forward.

Post # 5
30388 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think it is both an unfortunate incident and a red flag.

It is not enough for him to say he never meant to hurt you. It is not acceptable to blame different cultures.The fact is he held your wrist and twisted it until you were black and blue.

I suggest more than just one talk with the minister is needed. I would insist that he  get counselling, and I would make it clear that I was out of there if he EVER laid a hand on me again.

I also think you should get some counselling ( or further counselling) . Although I do think your initial comment ” Are you going to beat me..?.” was over the top for the situation, no one can ever use provocation as a excuse for physical abuse.

No one EVER has the right to lay a hand on you.

Post # 6
2570 posts
Sugar bee

I think this is a very unfortunate incident of miscommunication in the way that you stepped over a line without knowing it and it caused him to step over a line.

I think if you two can talk it out and make sure you both understand what he considers disrespect and that he will never, ever lay a hand on you again that you can move on. If there is any incident like this in the future, and he knows this, that there will be no second chance.

I don’t think it was OK what he did in the slightest, but there was a provocation, however unintentional, that hit a really sensitive spot for him.  

AS you probably know, abusers will often apologize and promise the world after the fact, so the fact that he is willing to talk isnt a “fixer” but its a chance to communicate and make the boundaries really clear. And the boundaries are if he ever touches you forecefully again, whether or not he hurts you, its over. No more excuses or rationales.


Post # 7
4590 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I agree it was an accident, and it seems like he realizes the extent of what he did, and is willing to make amends to atone for what he did. As long as he is willing to do what it takes to gain trust back, I think that it will be ok.

I also agree that you saying he was going to beat you crossed a line, and I think probably made it worse. I also agree that maybe you do need to seek counseling because although you were valid in your feelings, I think it was a bit extreme, especially in front of your family.  Maybe there are unresolved feelings towards what happened in your past

Post # 8
1668 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@lefeymw: i agree with every single word you said.

Post # 9
821 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

@inquiring mind: He shouldn’t have grabbed your wrist that hard, but you also shouldn’t have said “Are you going to beat ne?” That was a huge overreaction on your part. I know you mention you have been in an abusive relationship in the past, which is most likely why you said that. But you are in a new relationship now and you can’t bring those scars into this new marriage to the point that they will ruin it. If I were him, you saying” are you going to beat me?” would have been incredibly hurtful and a huge blow to my pride.

I think you need to seek personal counseling to try to put the past in the past. I do think it is good that you didn’t just let the incident slide. Too many women try to justify their husband’s violent actions.

But this just sounds more like a case of things getting blown way out of proportion. Not saying what he did was right, but DH has accidently grabbed me too hard before, he didn’t mean too, but he’s a lot stronger than me, and he felt horrible about it. If it happens again though, then you need to start questioning it more seriously.

Post # 10
7382 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2011

Before I got to the end of your OP I was thinking it sounds like things went a little too far and he was probably more embarrassed and upset with himself which appeared as anger at you, which you stated he said something similar near the end.  I really don’t think it was just an excuse, it’s probably the truth.

Abuse follows a pattern, if this truly was out of the ordinary for him I say forgive it.  Talking it over a little won’t hurt, it sounds like he has a bit of a sore spot when it comes to looking respected in front of family.

Post # 11
793 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

“He said that I am hypervigilant and hypersensitive regarding domestic violence because of my history”

He needs to be just as sensitive, then!

It does sound like an accident, but I would still be on high alert for any other forms or incidents of abuse.

I think it was both a red flag and an unfortunate incident. I agree with most of what PPs said. Maybe the two of you should seek professional counseling to prevent these things from happening again. I know “counseling” carries such a stigma in some areas, but I think it would really be worth it.

Post # 12
186 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

Like other posters, it sounds to me like you need counseling.  I wouldn’t consider this a red flag-but I’d be cautious and keep my eyes peeled for a while.  You and he should sit down and really talk about how your previous relationship has affected you and what he can do to make you feel safe around him.  Also you should discuss the differences if your cultures so you know what not to do–and so he knows you know. 

Post # 14
2025 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

He definitely reacted out of anger, but I don’t think that he meant to hurt you.  If I were you, I would be careful about how you react to things… I agree with pps in that your previous circumstances are going to affect how you view things now.  That does not excuse his behavior, but at the same time, you had his hand in his face.  I would have swatted your hand away at the very least if it had been me. 

I would suggest talking to him about what is okay and what is not okay.  Tell him how you felt about the beach thing, and now this.  Counseling might be your best bet.

Post # 15
972 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

This seriously breaks my heart. I can only tell you this: If it WERE an accident, he would not have said “”I can’t believe you showed out like that! You’re trying to challenge my manhood in front of your family and I’m not going to play these games with you” given that he knows your history.

I can imagine something very different like “Oh my god, baby, I’m so sorry, I didn’t think I hurt you!”

To me, it’s a red flag on his part, not yours and send you sincerest hugs.

ETA: He didn’t just take your wrist, he twisted and squeezed so much it caused a bruise. Again, a man in love and protective of his wife would have gone a much different route. He hates the hand in the face? So he could have grabbed you and tickled you. Anything else.

Post # 16
271 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Accident or not, the appropriate reaction to a perceived or actual act of disrespect is NEVER to physically harm your wife.  Twisting your wrist and holding it until someone told him to let go is not an accident. 

Honestly, your past history makes his act that much worse to me. Of course you reacted the way you did.  He should understand that, as should your family. 

I think the two of you need to go to counseling, be it a professional counselor or minister. 

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