(Closed) Is this abuse? (long)

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Is this abuse?
    Yes, that is absolutely not normal or healthy : (97 votes)
    74 %
    No, it's normal communication and conflict issues : (8 votes)
    6 %
    Maybe, I need more information : (25 votes)
    19 %
    Other, please explain : (1 votes)
    1 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    3697 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    Leave him.  Maybe he’ll get some help or come to his senses and realize why he lost you.  But you won’t ever be comfortable with him or be able to forget the horrible things he’s said to you.

    Leaving is not normally my advice, but I’ve been in a relationship eerily similar and for your own good, just go.  It’ll hurt because you do love him, right?  It’ll be good for him, too.  Maybe you can find someone for him to talk to once you’re gone.  My ex’s parents just fed into it – he called my mother crying about what had he done and he couldn’t lose me…. She let him get it out and finally told him that I had to leave, it just wasn’t going to work, and he was still being selfish, he had to let me go.  He managed to do/say some hurtful things after that (and his mom) but he could never hurt me like he used to once I broke it off with him. 

    Now I know what a good guy really is and I’m so happy with my fiance.  Good guys are out there.

    Post # 4
    Member
    1725 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    I’m not sure where the line is for immaturity/selfishness/poor communication and abuse, but it sounds like you guys need to either get some counseling or you need to step away from the relationship, because everyone has conflicts and things they can work on, but it’s not fair to you that you guys can’t even discuss issues/feelings without it being a war. 

    Post # 5
    Member
    1562 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    @downinthebeedumps:  I have to agree with PP.  The fact that he actually shouts and insults you is just so unacceptable.  You deserve so much better.  HUGE Internety hugs.

     

    Post # 6
    Member
    869 posts
    Busy bee

    I’m sorry this is happening to you.  I voted yes, because I agree that it’s not normal or healthy.  Whether you label it “abuse” or not, in a way (to me) it doesn’t really matter.  What it boils down to is that it’s making you feel like garbage, and something has to change.  It sounds like you’ve tried to communicate with him, and he’s not working with you to fix the problem.  Obviously relationships can be complicated, but if I were in this situation I’d have a hard time staying with someone who made me feel so miserable.  (Easier said than done, I know). Virtual Hugs!  I really hope things get better for you! 🙂

    Post # 7
    Member
    5273 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2009

    I know it may be too much to explain on here but I do need a bit more information.

    You stated a few times that when you argue you keep bringing up the past. What particulary in the past hurt you, that you keep bringing up? As a person with an open mind, I can see where he would be fustrated if you keep brining up the past over and over (but once again, not sure how “serious” the past was & if it is warrented to bring up again and again.)

    It sounds does sound like he is on the defense big time.

    Post # 8
    Member
    7293 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2011

    I agree with many of the PP’s, considering your past history of abuse, I would leave ASAP. You deserve far more. Walking on eggshells your entire life, feeling like there is something wrong with you and working with someone un willing to see a problem is basically living a doomed life.

    Post # 9
    Member
    2281 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    Run, don’t walk, out of this relationship. This is verbal abuse, and you need to get out now.

    You deserve happiness. There is nothing you can do that would justify someone speaking to you like he does. Somewhere out there is a man who will admire you and value your opinions and feelings.

    Trust me. I’ve been where you are. Walking out of it is like walking into the dark. It’s scary. But you can do it.

    Post # 10
    Member
    1798 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2011

      It’s tough to say whether or not abuse is going on. But really, the fact that you’re asking these questions, means that this relationship isn’t right for you.

    Post # 12
    Member
    2750 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    He usually apologizes the next day, and then gets really mad at himself for upsetting me but…none of that makes it better. – Classic abusive behaviour (even verbal)

    Accuses me of just bringing it up to start a fight – Invalidating your feelings.

    “Verbal ABUSE??!! You’ve got to be kidding me!!” – Invalidating your feelings.

    “PROTECT yourself? You make it sound like I was about to cut your head off!” – Invalidating your feelings.

    “Well now I’m going to protect myself and hang up now.” -Spiteful and disrespectful.

    Many of the things you are saying are his words and actions minimizing your feelings.  He’s doing a lot of “stepping on you” to get you to shut up.  It sounds like he has trouble dealing with issues and his stress response is to shut it down by throwing it back in your face.  This is NOT healthy at all. 

    IMO, this is not only verbal abuse, but definitely emotional abuse. =(

    Like PPs have said, you need to leave now (or at LEAST get some space and distance away from him).  He is pushing past the boudaries of abuse and it is up to you to set them firmly and to let him know he’s crossed the line. 

    This time, instead of simply accepting the day-after apology, give him time to tread in it.

    Post # 14
    Member
    5237 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: January 2010

    This just sounds toxic. There is never a need or excuse for insults and personal attacks. That is abuse. Add on terrible communication, emotional immaturity, emotional manipulation, ange issues, complete disrespect and so on…you just have pure dysfunction.

    Relationships do not need to be this hard. In healthy relationships, life will still throw crap your way and you may sometimes disagree, but you love, support, respect and cherish each other and work together through things as a team. There is no way I, nor should you, settle for less. Just because he is not as bad as the last guy does not mean he is good! Do not settle for less than fantastic!

    End this relationship, and go to individual counseling to help repair your self esteem and do not date until you are in a healhier place. Until you are, your chances of repeating this pattern are high. Like attracts like, and partners like your ex and your current guy will see in you this capacity to control, manipulate and so forth as right now you are not confident in being the awesome woman you are :). Healthy, confident people on the other hand…attract the same.

    Post # 15
    Member
    5237 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: January 2010

    @downinthebeedumps:  Adding on, you should never feel unsafe at all with your partner! Ever!

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