Is this abuse? What do I do now?

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
9718 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

It’s bizarre. And he was an ass. But I guess I don’t know if it was abuse. It doesn’t seem like he intended to hurt you. It more sounds like he was being really immature like boys in middle school who would do things to playfully annoy you. And I’m confused why none of your friends said something if they saw him punch you multiple times in the back. It’s just a weird story.

Honestly, I think you should talk to one of your friends who was there and saw it happen.

ETA: Maybe tomorrow try to talk to him about it again? More calmly? Ask why he wouldn’t stop when you asked or why he would ever think it’s okay to hit you.

But if you feel like it was abuse I would never advise a friend to stay in a situation where she felt unsafe.

Post # 3
2714 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

He’s gaslighting you by telling you that your recollection of events is wrong. Counseling at the very least, but I’d have an exit plan in place too.

Post # 5
1293 posts
Bumble bee

“I would never advise a friend to stay in a situation where she felt unsafe.” <- very much this. 

It’s all very confusing from the way you described it (and clearly its confusing living it as well). I’m not sure your husband was intending to hurt you, possibly (in his mind) he was just being annoying or playful…but everything after the point of you asking him to stop is beyond strange on his part. 

When my husband is playing around and manages to (very minorly) hurt me he had a habit of explaining to me how it couldn’t have hurt/wasn’t meant to hurt/he was only doing whatever. I think it was his immediate impulse because he’s embarrassed. It made me upset because you cannot explain to a person you’ve hurt that you didn’t hurt them…since I’ve shared that logic with him he just apologizes and asks if there is anything he can do. I mention this only for context on perhaps why your husband was being weird about it *before* you guys got in the car. 

Not letting you out of the car isn’t okay, imo. Locking himself in the spare bedroom is odd, but at least you don’t have to deal with him right now. 

Post # 7
750 posts
Busy bee

I could maybe see the hitting being initially a misunderstanding I.e he didn’t think he’d hit you hard enough to hurt and was attempting a bit of play fighting/joking. 

However, the two worrying things for me are that he didn’t stop when you told him to, and that he wasn’t apologetic/ mortified when you started crying. Insisting on arguing over whether it was his knuckles or his fingers is beside the point- he did something that hurt you and hasn’t acknowledged that at all. In fact he’s trying to minimise it. 

If he isn’t willing to talk about it rationally and without nitpicking over which body part it was in the morning, I think it’s a more serious issue. 

And what’s with the filming you and the childish locking the door? Is this normal behaviour for him??

Post # 9
58 posts
Worker bee

You said this is the first time this has happened? It is indeed bizarre. 

1. Go to the police station tomorrow and make a report. You don’t have to press charges but it will be on file should anything happen again at a later date. 

2. Sit him down and calmly explain your side. I would also advise telling him from the very beginning you want to have a discussion without anger and would really like to sort this out as you’re confused by what happened and why it happened. 

3. His “little” lie and dismissal about the situation is very immature but also can be abusive behavior. Right now the main concern is that he won’t admit and apologize to what he’s done but if he is an abuser, this could be the beginning and he needs to know NOW it is NOT okay.

4. The fact that you asked him to stop repeatedly and in public yet he continued is alarming to say the least. And unprovoked. This is the main reason I’m asking you to file a report with police.

I can’t say whether it’s abuse or not and it could very well be playful manners gone wrong but he saw your reaction and that should have been more than enough for him to realize how serious the situation is and apologize. Just in case it turns out to be the start of a cycle, PLEASE report this. You don’t want to regret it later. 

I hope this never happens again Bee.

Post # 10
750 posts
Busy bee

confusedaf :  To be honest, that’d pretty worrying too- that rather than admit he’s done something hurtful, he tries to minimise you by explaining that your experience of the event was wrong or didn’t happen.

With that knowledge, I would absolutely not back down from this. If he is unwilling to apologise, admit he was in the wrong and take steps to make it right (depending on what you think those steps are), I would consider leaving. I know that seems extreme but I think this had been a pretty telling event.

I’m sorry you’re having to go through this.

Post # 12
539 posts
Busy bee

This is really bizzare behaviour – I totally understand your hurt and confusion. I would advise counselling, especially because it’s so hard to understand why he did this…

Post # 13
2967 posts
Sugar bee

This is extremely serious.

He seems to be experimenting to see what he can get away with.

He knows that he punched you hard. He knows that it must have hurt by your reaction to the punches. He did it several times and so he did it on purpose and not by accident. (Do you have any bruises, by the way? Even faint ones?)

He DID mean to hurt you. (How could it have been accidental?)

He punched your back so your mutual friends couldn’t see what he was doing. 

He denied what he had done to get you to doubt your own version of events.

He wouldn’t let you out of the car. He filmed you letting off steam by smashing bottles and he locked the door noisily.

Why did he film you? I can’t think of any benign reason for it.

He filmed you because he thought it was funny to see you so upset (and wanted to replay the moment time and time again) or he filmed you to send the video to someone else to have a good laugh at your expense or he filmed you to provide himself some ‘insurance’ so that if he punches you again you are the one who looks bad/crazy.

I confess to being a little worried about your safety.

If I were you I’d tell someone else such as a friend about the incident for your own ‘insurance’.  Don’t keep your worries to yourself. Bring his behaviour out into the light.

I think you also need to pack a small case and go and stay with friends or parents to work out what you would like to do next.

If you are at all worried for your own safety then leave immediately.

Post # 14
750 posts
Busy bee

confusedaf :  I agree. I think that’s why I mentioned leaving because if I was in your situation, I can’t think what could actually make this right. 

And it needs to be his proactiveness. 


Post # 15
209 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

He put his hands on you in a way you didn’t like, you told him to stop and he didn’t. That’s a problem and he should apologize to you. 

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