Is this abuse? What do I do now?

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
1815 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

This is very serious. You’re right to not just accept this as a one time thing and forget it. Was he drinking a lot? Any chance he took some drugs? Seems like very weird behaviour. 

I agree with the others above. I’d make a police report just to be safe. If anything happens again you have it as proof of previous bad behaviour. Sit him down seriously and tell him you’re not happy about his behaviour – you want an apology for both hitting you, and the behaviour afterwards. Tell him if you’re ever hit again you will leave – no discussion, no chance to apologize. You’re not a punching bag – and won’t stand for it. 

Post # 17
Member
2128 posts
Buzzing bee

Supersleuth :   I actually agree here, it sounds dramatic but the fact that he didn’t stop after you clearly to,d hm it hurt, then ARGUED about it, worries me. If I were advising a friend, I would tell her to grab some shit and come and stay with me for at least tonight so she feels safe and gets some sleep. Do you have a friend or family member with a spare bed? Or a hotel nearby you can grab? 

I also second the ideas of telling a close friend (not a mutual friend) and perhaps putting it on record with the police. 

I would rather see you overreact to nothing than underreact to something. 

Look after yourself, bee. 

Post # 19
Member
2680 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

confusedaf :  I know it wasn’t the point of your post, but he had no business driving after 6 drinks. 

Post # 22
Member
379 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Sounds like he was genuinely playing around with you and didn’t realize he was hurting you.

It also sounds like you completely over reacted.

There’s a big difference between him punching you four times in public and him poking you with his fingers in your butt.

Your severe over reaction here has probably made him feel like a total dick, hence why he’s barricaded himself in his room.

Sounds like you have no reason to be afraid of him, that just seems silly. You “discreetly” told him to stop, do you think there is a possibility he just wasn’t paying attention or didn’t hear you? This all seems like a great big cluster fuck of a misunderstanding.

What you SHOULD have done is had a grown up talk about how he accidentally hurt you, and how upset it made you. 

Your marriage clearly has issues that extend far beyond this if you’re saying you don’t think you can get over this.

Go to counselling. Apologise. Talk.

**edit**

If you choose to file a police report for this, the state you live in can actually press charges FOR you, and 99% of the time they do choose to do this. By filing a police report you could give your husband criminal charges for domestic violence over a misunderstanding. Not one thing you’ve said here points to abuse. Not one thing. And for reference, I am a Social Worker who deals with domestic violence all day long.

Post # 23
Member
269 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

  confusedaf :  My guess is that he was trying to be fun and flirty by slapping you’re behind, accidentally hit too hard, and then doubled-down on it because he does not want to apologise. 

I agree with the police report. That may seem extreme but my second guess would be that he filmed you smashing bottles as some sort of insurance. You might continue to live a happy and fulfilled marriage but that is the kind of thing where it is better to be safe than sorry. Get your ducks in a row and start counselling – he absolutely needs to learn how to communicate, there really is no way around that.

Post # 25
Member
750 posts
Busy bee

NDTieTheKnot :  erm, he hit her four times even after she told him to stop, argued about which body part he used and refused time let her out of the car.

She absolutely has not overreacted

Post # 26
Member
750 posts
Busy bee

confusedaf :  which again is unacceptable on his part. Refusing to engage because you quite understandably didn’t want to go along with the ‘everything is as happy as Larry’ facade is childish. 

I really hope he starts to understand the consequences to his behaviour

Post # 27
Member
1684 posts
Bumble bee

Re-read every single thing Supersleuth said 100 times. I could not agree more. 

 

Post # 28
Member
488 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

I have to ask…could it have been an accident? You say you were all saying your goodbyes, so I picture many people bumping into each other while kissing checks and shaking hands. In a situation like that, perhaps somebody else hit you accidentaly? Perhaps he was pushed against you too hard? If he was drunk he could have also not measured his actions and thought he was gently pushing you to “hurry up home because I am peeing” (or something like that).

I do believe you overreacted. If this is the first time something like this happened and you have no reasons to truly believe he was trying to hurt you…wouldn’t it had been better to sit down calmly and ask for his version?

Post # 29
Member
326 posts
Helper bee

NDTieTheKnot :  I had to reread this four times. Overreacted?! What? He punched her in public several times after she told him to stop. That’s not an overreaction. 

Post # 30
Member
658 posts
Busy bee

I am 1000% with supersleuth on this one. Literally everything she said is spot on. 

Especially the filming. I’d start creating your own type of vids/photos to document the actual thing that causes you to blow off steam (which is him hitting you?!?!) because later you’re going to file a report or tell someone of his abuse and he’s going to whip out his damn video archives and say, “no SHE’s crazy!!! Look at this that I have to deal with poor me.” 

Everything about this situation is already volatile. He sounds manipulative as fuck. 

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