Is this abuse? What do I do now?

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 61
288 posts
Helper bee

It doesn’t sound like abuse. It sounds like a 5 year old boy who punches the 5 year old girl he likes because doesn’t know how to express his feelings properly. I had a guy do this to me and I know he meant no harm by it, but it was super annoying to be “punched” in public and I told him he had to back way the F off. 

Post # 62
1288 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2018 - Omaha, NE

I’ve read the whole thread and all I can think is that I would LEAVE immediately. I’ve been with my Fiance for 5 years, not married yet, but still a long time, and I can honestly say our relationship would be OVER if he ever did anything like what you are describing.

He would never EVER even PRETEND to hurt me, and if he ever accidentally hurts me he immediately and profusely apologizes, and I’m talking about accidentally stepping on my toe or opening a fridge door into my knee, that sort of thing. Again, he would NEVER intentional lay his hands on me with intent to do harm, joking or otherwise.

OP, I know you love your husband, but you said yourself that you are afraid of him and what he did and he is refusing to acknowledge that what he did hurt you. That warrants more than a conversation in my book. I agree with PP that you should contact the police. He recorded you smashing bottles because he was “afraid” (of getting reported for abusing you) and if nothing else that gives you a right to put on record what he did to you.

Post # 63
230 posts
Helper bee

confusedaf :  as I tell my bf when he makes a “joke” that is neither funny nor unharmful, I tell him that it’s only a joke if both people find it funny / can laugh at it.

His school-boy bullying behaviour shows that, even though his intentions may not have been negative, he needs to take some time to reflect on what respect and love actually entails….and realise that treating a partner with utmost respect, physically, is paramount in any relationship.

I have a condition that results in the areas around my hips and thighs being painfully sensitive to the touch. If my bf is being playful and I say “ow” or tell him it’s starting to hurt, he stops immediately and asks me if I’m okay.

He doesn’t become defensive about his actions. He didn’t mean to hurt me but he did, and he apologises immediately. That’s the least normal behaviour requires.

Hope you find some resolution soon, bee.

Post # 64
2397 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

confusedaf :  your latest update leaves me even more concerned for you. He admits he knew that he was hurting you and didn’t care. That is abuse. See how I turn it around and is crying because now you’ve supposedly done something to him by pointing out his abuse? That is gas-lighting.

And please disregard whatever that social work bee says. It’s obvious that she doesn’t work with domestic violence survivors and victims. Or she would have been able to see this a mile a way. I work with social workers every day, in fact, I have two that report directly to me. And I can tell you, if I found out that they were giving this kind of advice to our patients, they be pulled into my office and we’d be having some discussions.

Post # 65
6835 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

Whether or not this was abuse, your husband’s behavior is horrible and frankly he sounds like an asshole. He’s flipped this whole situation around on you. He’s making it all your fault and that’s unacceptable. 

Is this his normal reaction to arguments or being told he did something that upset you? Some of your posts here make it sound like it is. Like he’s normally very defensive and will never own up to his part in any problem. That’s very concerning and I honestly don’t know if I could go through my whole life dealing with this kind of behavior. 


Post # 66
310 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

I don’t think this was abuse.  I think you’re husband acted like a jackass. 

Post # 67
656 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

He sounds like a narcissist. I honestly think he is being emotionally abusive. He started crying not because he felt bad for hurting you…but because you were being mean by calling him abusive??? He’s trying to manipulate you and be seen as the victim. If it were me, I would leave at least for a few days to get my thoughts together and figure out what I want to do.

Post # 68
283 posts
Helper bee

confusedaf :  Leave. Leave now. Leave before this escalates. He’s a liar – you know that. He’s become violent and isn’t ashamed to do it in public. Report him to the police ask for cctv of the area you were in and get gone. You are worth so much more than this.

Post # 69
392 posts
Helper bee

This is one of the strangest stories I’ve ever heard and I honestly don’t know what to make of it. 

It seems very odd that a husband who has never been abusive it shown signs of being suddenly decides to physically abuse his wife in public out of nowhere. Thinking of it like that makes me think he was just playing around and didn’t realize that he was hurting you.  But then his behavior after the fact seems odd. Not apologizing, filming you, etc. I don’t really have any great advice here. I’m sorry, Bee. 🙁 

Post # 70
4559 posts
Honey bee

Does it really matter what label you put on it?  Regardless of whether it rises to the label of abuse, you still have to decide if you like that behavior.  You don’t have to label something as abusive to decide that behavior is unacceptable to you.  So…

Do you like being punched?

Do you like your cries being ignored?

Do you like being blamed for his behavior?

Do you like having your feelings belittled?

Do you like being yelled at?

Do you like being lied to?

Do you like being made to feel like you are crazy?

Do you like being partnered with a person who goes to extremes and gaslights you into believing you are the problem?

If you answered yes to all those questions, then stay.

If you answered no to any of those questions, then I recommend you take a good long look as to why you feel living that way is acceptable and consider making a better life for yourself where you don’t have to put up with any of that.


Post # 71
616 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

This thread did make me feel ill. I tend to assume the best of people so I could see the punching when drunk being not on purpose.

It’s the filming you, the crying (because of what you said to him, not because he punched you super hard and hurt you), the “good morning” demands and the twisting of events to make this somehow “your fault” that is making me feel super ill. 

He is extremely manipulative at best, and abusive at worse. Either way, I don’t know you but the idea of you going through this again is awful. I’m so sorry. If he never owns up to his behaviour I really hope you get out of there.


Post # 72
2967 posts
Sugar bee

confusedaf :  I will say to you what I say to my 20 year old daughter. If something doesn’t it is because it doesn’t make sense.

So does what your husband say make sense?

At first he didn’t admit he’d hit you and then he eventually admitted he had touched you and then after further prompting admitted he’d heard you telling him to stop.  Then he wouldn’t acknowledge he had hurt you because (he said) that he had no intention of hurting you. Then he cried and kept iinsisting he isn’t an abuser. Then he goes on about how hurt he is rather than how hurt you are. Then he says he is going to withdraw play and touching and humour. The subtext of this is that the problem is somehow your oversensitivity and lack of humour.

All this is not normal thinking from him. There is clearly a great reluctance to deal with the truth and a great need to put any blame on you. Worse, he’s trying to deny your (very real) version of reality. It’s gaslighting of the first order.

He also did the punching secretly when you were both with friends. My worry is that it is a game to see what he can get away with. This kind of game can escalate. I do wonder whether he has ever ‘accidentally’ knocked against you or accidentally tripped you up or perhaps twisted your arm a little too hard in play. It might not have happened but if it has it would certainly form part of a pattern.

The filming of you breaking bottles is a give away when it comes to the real truth and his intentions. 

If (as he initially said) he had not hurt you he would not have filmed you for ‘insurance purposes. Why would he? No event would have happened so he wouldn’t have been worried enough to film.

If he had accidentally hurt you but not realised he had hurt you then again he would have had no reason to film you because he would not have realised there was any problem and so wouldn’t be worried enough to film.

No. The only explanation is that he obviously realised he had done something very wrong and was worried enough to film you for ‘insurance’ should he be accused of anything.

And what was he going to do with this video? Was he going to use it to try and convince you that you are the one that is somehow aggressive or to convince other people that you are the one that are somehow aggressive? 

I can’t help wondering whether he has ever been accused of anything before he met you. Filming you for ‘insurance’ implies he may have considered the scenario beforehand. I

Have you seen the film and listened to the narrative that accompanied it? I recommend you see and listen to the video if you can.  I don’t suppose he’s let you do this. He may have deleted it or claimed to delete it.

I’m very sorry that this has happened to you. It is not your fault in any way. You are not responsible for any of his actions. Be assured that what you have said has made sense. But what he has done and said does not make sense unless he knew he had hurt you and tried to cover up and to film you in such a way as to make you look as though you are the aggressor.

I sincerely hope I am thoroughly wrong about all this. 

In the meantime my advice would be please make sure that you are safe. Do go and stay with friends or family or even a hotel, and give yourself time to decide what to do next.



Post # 74
2967 posts
Sugar bee

confusedaf :  I wish you the very best for the future. I think that many of us will be thinking of you.

Post # 75
805 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016 - Wedgewood Las Vegas

You claim to have been raised to not allow a man to hit you. But you just did by staying. I would not have gotten into the car with him in the first place.

You need to get out of that house and go straight to the police. This isn’t normal. It is assault if he continued after you asked him to stop.

I wouldn’t return to him either.

Doing nothing only reinforces that there will be no repurcussions further down the line for him.

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