- 5 years ago
- Wedding: June 2014
I’m a fellow bee (that has been MIA for a long time, but was on the forum for a while nonetheless). I got married last winter but I’m starting to have doubts about my marriage. Here’s my story…
My husband and I had a great first 3 months of dating. Then things turned really bad. We started fighting and arguing all the time. It never felt like he listened to me. We had some real issues. I went to a therapist and things started getting a lot better. I fixed a lot of my issues (which, granted, I had a lot of). Things went better for a few more months but then they tanked again.
This was about 2-3 years ago. Ever since, we’ve been trying to bring our relationship back to where it was. We thought we were practicing constructive communication, but now I realize I was just becoming a doormat, and “respecting him” turned into quitting the conversation and telling him he’s right every time it got to an argument, or just changing the subject. I’m pretty much always wrong, especially when I disagree with him. Recently, I’ve realized what I’ve been doing and I’ve been trying to just be very calm and assertive, state my points and thoughts. I haven’t yelled, cursed, called him names… just very calm and gentle, trying to listen to him and get him to listen to me.
Well, it seems like we speak different languages. He doesn’t listen to what I have to say and usually all of my ideas that don’t sound just right to him end up in the “trash”. I tend to think a lot outside the box but whenever my comparisons are too far-fetched he makes a big deal out of the fact that “I never listen to him” and that “I just don’t get it”. Just now, after the last argument, when he came back and asked me “do you get it?” I said “I understand what you meant but I still think my idea would work. So I just disagree. I’m not saying you’re wrong though.” He stormed out of the room and then came back enraged and told me I’m a mean f*cking b*tch and to fuck off (more than once). He screams at me (and honestly looks really scary, although I’m not afraid of him hitting me).
He’s normally such a gentle, sweet guy, but there’s also never any real passion in our relationship. I love him and I want this to work out but I honestly feel like I’m walking on eggshells all the time and I’m getting tired of it. When I yell he gets really mad at me and tells me yelling is NEVER ok but then he yells way more often and when I tell him he’s yelling first he apologizes and then he tells me “I yelled because you pissed me off. You want me to stop yelling, then stop pissing me off!”
He didn’t use to say these things regularly (especially the curse words) but he did tell me frequently that my ideas were stupid, or that he doesn’t want to listen to me bitch about what’s going on in my life, or that I’m being a bitch. He knows this bothers me and has been saying it less but he also blames it on me for provoking him and “pissing him off”.
Just today we talked about something that is in my field (a field in the social sciences) and when I told him the definition of a term he got super mad at me and told me that’s just my definition. I explained to him that that’s the professional definition of it, it’s not necessarily what you’ll find online but that’s the way it really is and he started getting really mad and yelling at me and cussing for it. I told him I wasn’t feeling respected, that it’s my field and I do have some authority in it and I’d appreciate being treated accordingly but he kept denying it and telling me I wasn’t listening.
He always apologizes for yelling at me but always ends up blaming it on me. Usually after a big fight I’m the one coming back to him and apologizing a million and one ways and telling him how I’ll stop upsetting him. I’ve stopped doing that and he’s never come do the same for me. He just apologizes and then asks me “but do you get how you pissed me off?” He always tells me I don’t respect him or listen to him and I agree and apologize for it and work on it but then every time I tell him he disrespects me he usually just ends up yelling at me…
I just don’t know what to do. He’s such a great guy and has always seemed to have such amazing values. I’ve just never realized how much I settled and shut up in conversations before but I don’t know how I can live like this any longer. I never thought of this as abuse though, just as two people that don’t get each other. However, one of my friends told me it is so I thought I’d look it up: is it, really? He doesn’t do it all the time. He’s normally very sweet, especially when I’m careful about how I talk to him. He always told me marriage and relationships are hard work and that we both have to work on it but this just seems a little too hard :'(
Help – please!
P.S: I *just* got my green card. I’m worried that leaving now will make them think I married him only for the green card (totally not true – we’ve been together for almost 5 years). I have sent the attorney who worked with me on the green card an e-mail about this and am hoping to hear back from him soon.